Blown out in Canada

Last night was about as bad as it gets. Terrible doesn't begin to describe it. They teed off on Arroyo better than most teams do in batting practice. I could go up there and give up 10 runs in one inning. After the Reds blew a bases loaded no outs situation in the second, the game was over. It was depressing and barring a major turnaround in the next 5 games, could mark the end of the 2008 season. Here are some thoughts looking ahead toward what I believe is another fight for 4th in the NL Central.

-Dusty needs to go. His swing first and don't take walks approach is making the whole team a bunch of hackers. It is amazing how many players go up there swinging early in the count. They don't watch a few balls to get in a rhythm. They hack at an offspeed pitch and ground out on a 2-0 count. The bad players(I know that should be all of them but I am talking about Bako, Janish, Patterson, Ross, etc.) need to watch a few pitches and see if they can get a hitters count. Swinging at the first or second pitch guarantees an out. Waiting could result in a walk or seeing a better pitch. Phillips does the same thing. he swings at awful pitches way out of the strike zone because he is a power hitter and it is selfish for him to take a walk. Thanks to Dusty, Bruce and Votto have started hacking at bad pitches. A competent manager would allow them to work count and learn instead of swinging and running back to the dugout after a groundout ten seconds later.

-The following players are not cut out for the major leagues right now: Janish(OPS+ 19), Patterson(OPS+ 45), Bako(OPS+ 76), Arroyo(ERA+ 68). I don't know what you do with them although it was thought that Arroyo could be traded. Anything more than a few maple bat shards in the head would be great.

-Sign Dunn long term. I knwo this may be unpopular but he will get about 14 million and there is simply no replacement for him. Griffey comes off the books this year so signing Dunn won't kill our payroll. We will have players making the minimum in RF(Bruce), 1B(Votto), and at least 3, maybe 4 SP's(Volquez, Cueto, Thompson, Bailey). No one else besides Cordero makes eight figures. When Griffey leaves we can move Dunn up in the order so he could have a decent hitter batting behind him when he walks 100+ times a year. Dunn at 3 and Bruce at 4 would be amazing. Dunn will reach base 38% of the time and Bruce, who is a doubles machine, could drive in him and whoever else is on base.

-Let the kids throw 110 pitches every 5 days. No more. Give them a chance to get deep into a game and then, no matter where they are in the game, take them out once they hit the limit. No point in putting any more stress on their young arms when the game don't matter. Let them get experience and knowledge so we can contend next year with 5 ready to go starting pitchers.

-Give Harang a rest. The SD outing killed his arm. Put him on the 15 day DL and give him a few weeks off. The Red Sox did it with Beckett last year and he came back much better. Harang can still turn his season around and win 12 games but he needs a break to get his mind and body right.

That is all for now. I'm sure I will have more after another debacle tonight.

Off Day Talk

The Reds took 2 of 3 from the Yankees in NY, much better result then most people, including me, thought. Now it is off to American Jr. to play the Blue Jays. Should be interesting to see J.P Ricciardi, the Toronto GM who last week said Adam Dunn doesn't like baseball, and the Big Donkey who responded by calling him a clown. Hall of Fame writer Hal McCoy of the Dayton Daily News had an interesting thought:

"Can’t wait for batting practice tomorrow to see if Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi approaches Adam Dunn to apologize for ripping him on a radio show. I hope Dunn does what Ron Oester once did to former Reds GM Jim Bowden and turns his back if Ricciardi sticks out his hand.

The Oester incident: Bowden told Oester he had the managerial job in 2001 and made a money offer. Oester said he’d like a day to think about it and Bowden said OK. Then, that day, Bowden gave the job to Bob Boone without calling Oester. Boone said he’d take the job and didn’t care about the money.

So when Oester appeared with members of the 1990 World Series champions not long after that, when Bowden walked up and down the players lined up on the first-base line, Oester turned his back when Bowden reached him."

The Jays have lost 7 or 8 and the Reds should win at least 2 if not a total sweep. I also hope Dunn hits 4 homers and stares down J.P.'s suite everytime he crosses home plate. Although it wont matter as long as Patterson is still out in CF. And yes, I know he hit a homer this weekend but that is his only contribution in the last 2 months. 20 outs for one homerun is not a good ratio. Bronson Arroyo can do that. Now if only Dusty could see that.

Euro Cup

If this doesn't get you excited for soccer, you are hopeless because this guy is awesome.

FOOT 2008 (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

2-7 Homestand; now 9 straight on the road

Harang is still hurting thanks to Dusty and now the season may be gone in the next 10 days. The Reds face the Yankees, Blue Jays, and Indians with one solid pitcher, Volquez. Arroyo is pitching better but still not good, Cueto is hit or miss, Harang has ben mostly awful since Dusty ruined him and we don't have a #5 starter right now. That rotation means we will be lucky to go 2-7 on the road trip. After another bad trip, it may be time to write the end of the year column and move on to next year, hopefully without Dusty. This homestand was too depressing to write about and, barring a good road trip, the Reds will be too far back. The funny thing is the schedule gets much easier in July but our team is such a mess and so far back that it won't matter.

At last the Euro cup will be going on to provide some entertainment. Today's game was great as Germany defeated Portugal, one of the pre-tourny favorites and the team with the best player in the world, Christiano Ronaldo. Now Germany is in the semis and will be favored over their next opponent, either Croatia or Turkey. Should be a good game tomorrow because both teams have nothing to lose, especially Turkey who came back from 2-0 to win 3-2 on Saturday. Sunday is the next big game when two heavyweights Spain and Italy face off. That will be the biggest soccer game of the year thus far. It will be much better than watching Dusty blow this upcoming Reds road trip.

Corey leading off, going to be a great night

I have given up trying to figure out why Corey keeps playing. He is terrible with the bat yet Dusty bats him first. His speed is irrelevant since he never gets on base. The fun part about tonight is he goes up against another terrible lead off OF in Juan Pierre. His OPS+ is 71, Corey's is 47. Neither is even close to the average major leaguer, which is 100, but both have great speed when they run out a ground ball to second base. Dusty will be in heaven.

If we could somehow work a trade for Matt Kemp or Russell Martin while they are in town it would be of great help since we need a good catcher and an outfielder to replace Patterson. Although knowing Dusty, he will try and get Pierre so he can but them both at the top of the order and guarantee no one will be on base for the middle of the lineup. But at least they have speed. I say we win 2 of 3 before heading out for a disastrous road trip. I have a feeling it will be a bloodbath in NY, Toronto, and Cleveland. Unless of course Dusty is fired and that has as good a chance of happening as this.

No Reds today but plenty other things to watch

The Reds blew the series with the Red Sox by losing both game over the weekend. No big surprise there. Now they have a day off before a three game series with the Dodgers. A sweep of them would give the Reds a .500 home stand before a tough road trip to Yankee stadium, Toronto and Cleveland. If we can get the sweep and stay at .500 on the road trip, it would be huge. I'm sure Dusty will blow some games by playing Corey Patterson and the Reds will lose more than they win.

Other things on TV today: That whole playoff thing should be fun to watch. Pretty level playing field except for Tiger's 64-5 lead in tournaments won and 13-0 in majors. I'll take Tiger by 3 with an even to Rocco's +3.

Also, Euro 2008 continues with some teams getting eliminated. Poland-Croatia and Austria-Germany today with both being played at 2:45. Germany and Croatia will probably move on. Although, there is always the chance that Austria and Germany will team up and take over the rest of Europe until the US comes in and kicks their ass. If I were Poland, I would be worried if I heard tank noises during the game. I'm just saying it wouldn't be the first time.

Boston comes to town

In honor of the Red Sox coming to Cincy I will now give my thoughts on Boston fans.

I started college in 2001 and at that time Boston was a long suffering sports city who had not won anything since the 80's. They had some die hard Red Sox fans and a few Celtics fans still around but nothing too over the top. For the most part they acted like any other fan base by complaining about their managers, front office, bad karma. They were better than Yankee fans. Then, Bill Bellicheat started winning. They went on an amazing run that, at the time, made no sense. Now it does make sense because they were cheating the whole time. In response, many Red Sox fans who couldn't have named any Patriot except for Drew Bledsoe, suddenly became huge fans. This seemed to be just a blip on the radar because after winning the Super Bowl they failed to make the playoffs the following year and the Red Sox continued to choke, most famously blowing Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. When this happened a few more Red Sox fans came out of the woodwork but that is to be expected. They were just another suffering fan base. I enjoyed them more than Philly fans and Yankee fans.

Then 2004 happened. The Patriots became a dominant team and suddenly, everyone from Conn, RI, NH, VT, ME, and Mass were Patriot fans. This annoyed me because none of them could name a Patriot from before 2002 except Drew Bledsoe, and he was gone. This trend continued into the fall of 2004 when the Sox got bailed out by the Yankees choke job and some amazing luck. The fans came from everywhere to celebrate the breaking of the curse, only these weren't people from New England. They were people from elsewhere whose brother went to school in Boston(who didn't have one) or their Dad lived there 20 years ago and has always been a fan even though this had never been mentioned. Everyone became a fan and the Red Sox were shoved down everyone's throats, culminating in Fever Pitch. Sox hats were everywhere, as were T-shirts, sweatshirts, flags and anything else you can imagine. The Patriots continued to win, albeit with a little help that was unknown at the time and the bandwagon kept growing. Boston fans still took the "us against the world" angle even though they had the largest bandwagon since Pittsburgh in the 70's.

Then this NBA season pushed it over the top. The same fans who had jumped on the Patriot bandwagon in 2001 and the Sox bandwagon in 2004 needed a new team to go crazy over and shove down everyone's throats. The Celtics, helped by the second worst trade in NBA history, came to life. Now, anyone with any connection to Boston was a huge Celtics fan. The bandwagon gerw exponentially after the Patriots choked in the Super Bowl. They couldn't name a single Celtic from 2006 other than Paul Pierce but they were huge fans. They booed the team, didn't fill the arena, and wore paper bags over their heads last season but, this season they were huge fans and never lost hope. If you questioned them on this they would take offense and say you were jealous. These are not real fans, they are LA fans. They jump on whatever team is good and if they go bad, they move on. It sickens me.

Now, everywhere you go, people wear Red Sox, and Celtics hats, not so much Patriot hats now that all those Super Bowls are tainted. They talk about the great players Big Papi, KG, Tom Brady and the genius of Terry Francona, Doc Rivers, and Bill Belicheat. Nevermind that they couldn't name the previous coach because they weren't good under that coach so why would they care. I can't wait until these teams fall off, which they will because sports are cyclical, and all the new fans run for the hills. If I were a real Boston fan, and I know they are out there and actually not that bad, I would hate these people. They give all Boston fans a bad name and make people like me hate the entire city. But I'm sure it is just because I am jealous of the most obnoxious fan base in America. You have now passed Philly. At least Philly fans don't shove their teams down my throat and claim they are the greatest team ever. Congrats Boston fans, you are now the worst. I can't blame this Laker fan. I would have punched him out of principle.

Team struggling, Dusty has an idea

Let's bench our hot young hitter who the fans love and want to see in favor of the worst player on the team that will get booed in front of the home fans. Great idea Dusty. Tonight it will be Corey Patterson in center and Jay Bruce on the bench. I guess Pete Rose talked to Dusty and said he needed a St. Louis win in order to cover some losses with his bookie. Either that or Corey has a story about Dusty similar to this. O well.

The Reds Sox come to town followed by the Dodgers before we hit the road for 9 tough games. The Reds could easily be 15 out in two weeks and ready to start trading some people. I just wish someone would take Patterson, Bako, or Dusty but no other organization is that stupid.

Pujols is no longer an issue

Albert Pujols was hurt in last nights game and sent back to St. Louis for more tests. Not a good sign. As much as I hate the new Ty Cobb he is really good and fun to watch even if he is 31-i mean 28. His shot off Lidge from 2005 was one of my favorite moments in baseball the past 3 years. Now the Reds should win the net two games. We have Cueto tonight and Arroyo tomorrow against a lineup that is now at best 'below-average' and at worst 'Royals-like.' If Dusty loses the next two we might as well pack it in and do what he can to get Matt Kemp, the Dodgers CF who is apparently on the market. A package of Dunn, Matt Maloney, and another prospect may do it and it would be amazing to have Kemp and Bruce in the OF for the next 10 years. Or at least the next 5 when they both are headed for free agency. However, I am sure Dusty would try and make him bunt and swing at anything so as to avoid clogging the bases. Sure is working so far this year for his last place team.

Another reason to watch Euro Cup right here. Seems like as good a thing to root for as any.

Griffey hits 600, Birds come to town

Here is Marty's call of 600.



Tough home stretch and the Reds need to start off strong. They are facing a 24 year old rookie named Mitchell Boggs who has never started a game. Hell, 6 years ago he was pitching for Dalton High in Northwest Georgia. The Reds should pound him but we have had trouble in the past against rookie pitchers. Also, Wainwright went on the DL so we miss him which is another good break. Taking 2 would be good while a sweep would be huge. Unfortunately the Reds will still pitch to Pujols so he is going to get 4 HR's and 8 RBI's. I propose walking him every time he bats no matter what. Let the HGH boys Ankiel and Glaus beat us. Unless they got a new shipment, the Reds would be better off.

Quick food note: Is there anything better than Hamburger Helper? I say no. I love it and have tried every kind on the shelves as well as a few new ones from my inside source. Double Cheeseburger Macaroni is the filet mignon of HH. 4-cheese is closer to a T-Bone and Lasagna is the basic strip. I have a new one tonight and it is called Cheesy Ranch Burger. Looking forward to it. Sloppy Joe is later this week. If you have another suggestion, let me know.

Looks like Harang is the one

I previously had a poll of which pitcher Dusty would hurt first and it appears to be Harang. He has been our ace for 3 years. Now he is 2-9 and since Dusty allowed him to pitch 4 innings on two days rest he has gone 4IP, 10H, 6ER; 6IP, 9H, 3ER; 5.1IP, 11H, 7ER; and his ERA has gone up an entire run. He doesn't know what is wrong but I have an idea; He pitched 4 innings on 2 days rest then came back and threw 4 more after 3 days rest. For a pitcher whose body is used to 4 days off each time, that is horrible. Dusty has overworked him and he is struggling to get back on schedule. Hopefully he can get it together soon before the season disappears. Home against STL and BOS this week. We need at least a win tonight and a 3-3 week or the season will slip away.

Onto soccer. The poll shows a substantial amount of readers, 3, want me to talk about soccer. Well one of the largest soccer tournaments, European Cup 2008, started this past weekend. This is a tournament involving 16 teams from across Europe. They are divided into 4 groups of 4 teams and after a round robin, 2 teams from each enter an 8-team tournament. Europeans love their soccer and this tournament includes most of the best teams in the world save for Brazil, Argentina, and England(who failed to qualify because they could not earn a tie at home against Croatia last fall). ESPN is showing every game on either ESPN, ESPN2(most are on here), and ESPN Classic. Each day belongs to one group the first 2 weeks meaning 2 games a day, one at 12 and the other at 2:45. Watch if you want to hear great fan support and even better soccer. This is how crazy they are about this tournament.

Blown game, must win next 2

Wow. Tough loss yesterday. And not just for those a-holes who got dead last at Belmont yesterday. The Reds lost on a walk-off 2 run homer with 2 outs. 46 million for a closer and he has now blown 2 saves this year to Cody Ross. Now the Reds must win the next 2 to have a 4-4 road trip and come back to Cincy with a little momentum. We are going to need it because we play STL and BOS, two teams with better records who can sweep the Reds easily. Come on Harang and Volquez. We need to win these.

As for the Belmont, I am a little glad Big Brown lost. Dutrow, besides being a consistent cheater, was an ass. He has been suspended every year he has trained because of illegal doping and insulted and made up stories about previous triple crown contenders. I love that karma came back and bit him in the ass. Pat Forde summarizes it very well here. Maybe now he will keep running and we can see him get beat again by Curlin in the Classic. Speaking of Curlin, he runs next Saturday at Churchill in the Stephen Foster Handicap. Should be fun to watch last years Horse of the Year return to the site of his disappointing third place at last years Derby. I don't think he gets third again.

Big win, looking for more

The game isn't over but I am counting it as a win. Great game all around. Dusty did send Cueto back out with an 8-3 lead and 100 pitches. He might have done it because Cueto had a bad 5th and wanted him to end the night on a good note. He did get a quick 1-2-3 6th and was taken out. It worked this time for Dusty. Then again, as long as Jay Bruce is in the lineup, Dusty's mistakes get lost in Bruce's almighty glow. Patterson still got an at bat and saw as many pitches, 4, as he did in his first 3 at bats two nights ago. He never made contact in getting a K but at least he made the pitcher work.

If Bronson can win tomorrow we should sweep because Harang and Volquez are not losing to the Marlins. Keep it rolling and hopefully we can see a triple crown tomorrow. Horse racing needs it badly even if it has to be that arrogant blowhard Rick Dutrow.

Out of Phily, headed to Florida

I think we will get at least 3 in Florida because Volquez will win, Harang will not lose again, and either Cueto or Arroyo will shut down the Marlins. Tough day today but Homer pitched alright. 3 runs were unearned thanks to 3 errors and another scored after he left and Affeldt did what he does, let the inherited runner score. All in all, not bad for a #5 starter. At least Corey Patterson got to end the game as the last batter and swung at the first pitch, popping out easily.

Quick note on Patterson and his defense:

I never said he was a bad fielder. As a purely ninth inning defensive replacement and pinch runner, he is alright. According to baseball-reference.com his Range Factor per nine innings is 2.85 while the league average is 2.69. That means he gets to .16 more balls per game. If he played every inning of ever game left he would make 16 more plays then the average CF. I'll let those fall in order to keep him out of the lineup.

O by the way, he has an OPS+ of 47. 100 is average. No defense could ever make up for that.

Live Blog of Patterson the Great's return

TOP 1: no on, 1 out. Hairston only saw 3 pitches. Corey needs to work the count so Bruce can see what Myers has. Swings at the second pitch trying to pull it for a homer. Barely flies past first for an easy out. Thanks for helping the kid out by watching all of one pitch before taking a horrible swing. I swear I think he has no idea how to play baseball. He doesn't understand working the count not just for yourself, but for the rest of the team. Then again he was brought up under Dusty Baker so he was too busy learning to bunt runners over, get caught stealing, and not clog the bases. I hate Corey and Dusty. The should both be sent packing to this team. Give me a shot.

TOP 4: No on, 1 out. Myers is dealing. We need to work his pitch count so he can't go the entire game without giving up a hit. He needs to get tired so we can score. Work the count like Bruce did last time when he saw 6 pitches. Patterson swings AT THE FIRST PITCH! The second baseman never moves. Another great way to show Bruce what pitches Myers has. This is insane. I can do what he did; watch one pitch, swing at the next 2. #&@* the heck! Give me another shot.

TOP 6: No on, 2 out. Still no hits. Wait for your pitch or at least see 3 strikes. First pitch swinging. Lazy pop fly all the way to the shortstop. I have nothing else to say other than he is the worst player ever. I can barely stand up at this point. Another shot.

TOP 8: man on first and second, 1 out. Need to avoid the double play. Takes the first then fouls off 2. Now he can't bunt them over. That is what he should have done. He is going to get out anyway why not do what he is good at and advance the runners. Strike out on a pitch 3 feet down and away. The on deck batter dodged because it almost hit him. Good thing Patterson swung at it. I just threw up on the keyboard. Now I need a new r, s d, f e and c key. One more shot. Where did that dog go? My feet need a workout.

GAME OVER: Thanks to the 24 year old Joey Votto and Edinson Volquez, and no thanks to the terrible, 28 year old, .195 hitting Corey Patterson the Reds won 2-0. I am off to pass out. I think I have an inner ear infection because I keep running into things. O well I will deal with it tomorrow.

Patterson back, Boose drunk

This is it. Patterson has been recalled from Louisville. The one player who can single handedly lead me to binge drinking is now sharing a locker room, and trying to steal playing time, from the best prospect the Reds have produced in a decade. If Dusty uses him for anything other and pitch running in a 10 run game I am going to be pissed. And not the kind of pissed where you mutter under your breath, but because I am drunk it will be the kind of pissed where I yell multiple expletives and break someone or something. This means all dogs better beware: Corey Patterson is back and Boose is looking for something to kick.

UPDATE: Not only is Patterson starting in center but he is batting second. SECOND. Are you kidding me? Right in front of Bruce virtually guaranteeing that no one will be on when our hottest hitter comes to the plate. Dusty must be doing this now because if he did this in Cincy, Corey would be booed mercilessly. Dusty could easily start Janish at SS and Hairston in center, avoiding this totally, if not for Corey possessing pictures of Dusty and a bunch of tranny whores.

In honor of this display of immense stupidity by Dusty I will be LIVE blogging during Corey's ABs for all 10 people that read this. I know you are excited.

Another Loss

Two straight one run losses on the road. I'm sure that has nothing to do with coaching. Glad Harang threw another 110 pitches tonight and the last 15 were the ones where he gave up 4 hits. He is definitely not still hurting from his 4 inning relief effort 10 days ago. Thanks Dusty, our best pitcher is frustrated and struggling. His record is 2-8 and has gotten no run support thanks to a lineup that featured no Griffey and The Human Out Paul Bako. Just terrible. We better win tomorrow or it will be a 0-4 tip because there is no way we beat Cole Hamels.

Now a thing about Philly fans. I hate them. I really do. It is not prejudice because I have known dozens of them and they are all obnoxious, mean, illogical fans. They have booed Santa Claus, Mike Schmidt, Dr. J, hometown boy Kobe Bryant when he won the MVP, Donovan McNabb on his draft day, any home team when they are losing at halftime or lose the game. They also cheer when opposing players leave on stretchers, throw batteries at opposing players, throw snow/iceballs at players, and even shot a flair gun during a game. They say they are just "passionate" but you can be passionate without hurting or humiliating other fans and teams. I guess they have reason to be mad with teams in the 4 major sports yet not winning a championship for 25 years. Cincinnati only has 2 major sports teams and they won one in 1990. New York and Boston, the two cities Philly fans wish they were, have combined for about 30. Ok, that may be too much but who cares. Philly still has 0. I just wish their fans would realize this and quit acting they their teams are the greatest and all others suck. There is a difference between obnoxious and passionate. Philly fans, learn the difference.

Jay Bruce Almighty

So this Bruce guy is pretty good

What a weekend for The Next Big Thing. Walkoff homer, 5 RBI's, and 100 hits is not bad for a weekend. The team looks energized, the pitching is good save for Josh "Gopher Ball" Fogg who is now on the DL, and the wins are piling up. Bruce and the boys are taking walks and coming around to score. Amazing how when it works it is not clogging the bases. It is called good baseball.

Dusty is still trying to screw it up with double steals and squeeze bunts but it isn't working. The squeeze only worked because Hairston is good and got an offspeed pitch he could handle. If that had been a fastball, it would have been a disaster. Dusty also pulled Griffey early on Sunday ensuring he would not hit #600 at home. I know he was due up sixth in the bottom of the 8th but you have to leave him in just in case he comes back up rather than subbing him out and telling the fans they won't get to see history. Way to show appreciation to the fans who showed up all weekend waiting for the hometown boy to make history.

Now the Reds have four in Philly and four in Miami. Going 4-4 or better would be huge. We are getting close to catching Houston for third in the Central thanks to the Pirates taking the weekend off and Houston taking the week off. I foresee a 5-3 road trip with a 2-2 split in Philly and a 3-1 series win in Florida. Philly is winning a scoring a lot of runs but the Reds played them well earlier this year and should be able to win the 2 games with Harang and Volquez on the mound. Florida is struggling bad, losing 5 of their last 6. As long as Bruce is playing everyday and Patterson is nowhere near the team, I am optimistic.

The Next Big Thing comes through again

I think Jay Bruce should go back to the minors until he improves. I mean he got on base 12 times in 4 games but made 6 outs which is ridiculous. We need Corey back. He only made 9 outs in one game this week. I sure am glad the Reds waited this long to make the move.

It is going to take a big day from the offense to win today because Josh "Gopher Ball" Fogg is pitching. Let's hope Bruce gets his first homer and Griffey starts hitting some homers so the slow shuffle to 600 will finally end. I don't know if it will be enough.

Quick thought on the NBA finals. I don't know who to root for. Its either the LA rapist or the most obnoxious fans in the country. Tough call. I guess I will take the LA rapist just because I want to see Boston lose to NY and LA in the last two sports championship games. And other than the rapist, I don't have a problem with the Lakers. Luke Walton and Turiaf look goofy and happy just to be on the team. Better than anything on the Celtics. I will withhold my extended thoughts on Boston and its fan for another time but for now let's just say I will be pulling for the Lakers.

Harang tired, Thanks Dusty

I guess four innings on two days rest, then 70 pitches on three days rest may not have been the best idea. Who knew? The Reds could have started Fogg last night and given Harang his full 4 days off. They are going to start Fogg on Saturday anyway. It makes no sense whatsoever. Now we get to watch Dusty run our best y0ung pitchers into the ground this weekend. I predict 115 pitches for Volquez or 5 ER in less than 5 innings. Cueto will probably throw 110 more on Sunday even if the game is out of reach. Should be fun watching Kerry Volquez and Mark Cueto have Tommy John surgery this offseason.

Any Lost fans should read this recap. Explains a lot about the best episode of television since last year's Lost season finale.

Also, anyone looking to pay me back for writing this fabulous blog, I will accept payment in the form of this.

With Glavine, Jurrjens, and Hudson going this weekend, we will be lucky to get 2 of 3. Although with "The next big thing" playing everyday, we always have a chance. Let's hope for a sweep and a return to 1 game back of .500 heading into our 8 game road trip.

Harang tonight, Braves this weekend

Should be another win tonight. Our ace on the mound against a reeling Pirate team that is ready to pack it in for the season. They have been in contention for too long. The Braves are terrible on the road so we should win two of three and get back to almost .500. Then again, Harang threw 4 inning Sunday thanks to Dusty butchering the game so all bets are off.

Quick note on the Pirates: As bad as most fans think there team is and how they have been tortured, nothing compares to the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pirates have not had a winning season in more than 15 years. That is ridiculous. Not one winning year. Never even close to the playoffs. And this years team is awful with nothing in the farm system to get excited about. The fact that any fan would support that team is beyond me. Then again I supported the Bengals in the 90's so what do I know.

Happy Birthday to Jerry Hairston and the one and only #44 Eric Davis.

Reds win again, Bruce is human

I guess everyone has to make an out and Jay Bruce finally did. It took him 6 at bats. He did however have a double that would have scored a run if Arroyo could have gotten a bunt down. The team looked great tonight at the plate, on the mound, and in the field. Great plays by Freel, EE, and Dunn, an excellent night of pitching by Arroyo and a hitting clinic from David Ross helped the Reds beat the Pirates 9-1. Harang on the mound tomorrow looking for a sweep. I don't even think Dusty can screw this streak up now that Patterson is gone. Here are some other quick thoughts:

Bruce seems to be fitting in nicely with the team. After a line drive to the gap in the middle innings, Bruce sprinted to it, tried a pop-up slide and grab the ball. It didn't work and he fumbled it a little but the runner did not advance beyond second, which is where he would have been even if he had made a clean play on the slide. After watching the rookie try so hard in a 7-1 game, Phillips started laughing and Griffey said something to him that had them both laughing. I think it is safe to say that he has energized the entire team and they are all having more fun with him out there. They were also joking with him a good bit in the pregame jog right before the national anthem. Very good vibes coming from this team ever since Dusty was suspended and they realized they didn't need him to win.

Hairston looks great at the top of the order. He works counts and finds holes. He is also stealing bases without being thrown out.

Not much of a crowd tonight. Less than 20K to see "The Next Big Thing." Hopefully after this weekend they will be above .500 and people will get excited again. I think this team will make a run and the city will rally around them.

More tomorrow but it sure was fun going to the game and watching the Reds lay it on the Pirates.harang should win tomorrow and give us a sweep. Bust out the brooms.

Hallelujah

COREY IS GONE! Optioned to Louisville! This is what I have been wanting for so long. Jay Bruce starting and Corey Patterson gone. I guess someone is reading the blog. Now if they would only get rid of Dusty and hire a manager who won't throw our young phenom 118 pitches. His arm is going to fall off. O well, let's revel in the dismissal of Patterson with a serenading by Cub fans earlier this year:



I will be attending tonight's game in honor of this great day and will have a report when I get home tonight.

Sorry for the baseball exclusive posts recently, it has been a big week for the Reds. Anything you want me to cover besides how terrible Dusty is, let me know.

Great Day

Sometimes you just wake up and know it is a good day. Today is one of those days. After months of complaining that Patterson should not be playing and Bruce should, I am happy to inform everyone that my dream has been realized Tonight, starting in centerfield and batting second, is the #1 prospect in baseball, Jay Bruce. I am guessing a 1-4 night with a double and an RBI. Here is him hitting a HR for the Bats:



Hopefully that will continue in Cincinnati this year.

Now Dusty will be tested. In spring training, Bruce was sent to AAA because they wanted him to play everyday rather than ride the bench in Cincinnati. They would not bring him up until he could play everyday in Cincinnati. Now he is up. Corey Patterson is still on the team. Will Dusty play the automatic out or the best prospect in baseball? I bet Patterson still plays because Dusty is a terrible manager.

Jorts or Jean Shorts

Not sure which to call them. I prefer jean shorts because it sounds more formal which juxtaposes the informalness for which they were designed. I can't help but smile when I see people wearing them and feel they have made a resurgence recently. That is why this post is dedicated to them. I will not mention my favorite Red went 0-8 in a single game lowering his average to .201 and never reached base while Dusty threw our young ace on one day rest. That makes me mad. Jean shorts always make me happy. Here are some styles to choose from:

CUTOFFS


These are easy to make by cutting off the legs of jeans you no longer want. It also
allows the wearers to vary the length of the frays at the bottom. I prefer long frays because they blow in the wind and tickle your legs. The problem with cutoffs is they can't be worn to church or a state fair beauty pageant as formal jean shorts.

ROLLED LEGS


Great for a draft party in Mississippi. More formal then the frays and also bring the leg up to show off more skin. The white jean shorts are also a plus because they go well with pale white skin. These tell people you know you are wearing jean shorts but don't want to get any nice ones so I will just clean up my cutoffs.

CARPENTER


These are for the occasion when you are working with your hammer or drill and need some place to put it while I drink your beer. They can also be worn to a bar because they show chicks you are handy and they dig that. These are not quite formal but a step up from cutoffs.

FORMAL


These jean shorts say "I went to the store, tried these on, and they look good." The frays and rollups can be old jeans you cut off. These say I knew they were jean shorts and these are what I wanted. Can be worn to your best outdoor concert, church picnic, or photo shoots.

In sum, jean shorts are a wonderful creation and provide me with tons of entertainment. Whatever style you chose, just wear them with pride because you are telling the world you love denim, even if it makes me look ridiculous.

NO DUSTY, REDS WIN!!!!!!

I told you it would happen. His two game suspension was just what the Reds needed to start a two game winning streak. Players were allowed to walk if they didn't get a good pitch. They didn't have to swing at anything because the coach didn't tell them walks and striking out are bad but groundouts and popouts are good as long as you swing. They got on base and scored runs. IT IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT! Our big swingers hit homers without worrying about bunting or striking out on bad pitches. Griffey hit one, Dunn hit one, Votto hit a 3-run homer after a walk ahead of him clogged the bases. It was good baseball and, although they stranded a ridiculous amount of runners last night, they still managed to score 7. Amazing how that works. You don't have to hit that well but when there are constantly people on base, good things happen.

Unfortunately, the Reds management will probably allow Dusty back on the bench tonight, hurting our chance of taking the series. My only hope is that the team has learned he has no idea what he is doing and will continue doing what they have been doing the last few nights, taking what the pitcher gives them without worrying about 'old school baseball.' HIRE CHRIS SPIER, FIRE DUSTY BAKER!

Ok maybe not. Spier was the manager on Friday when our best player, Corey Patterson, tried stealing third with two outs. Every little kid knows you NEVER make the first or third out at third base. I mean EVERYONE knows that. Still, he tried to steal third with the heart of our order coming up and was thrown out, ending an inning when two men were on and two outs. A basehit scores a run whether he is at second or third. Terrible baseball by Patterson and everyday he is still on this team I get a little more crazy. Someone needs to find out what hypnotic effect he has on the Reds organization and how we can get rid of it so they can see what everyone else sees, HE IS AWFUL AT BASEBALL.

OK, let me calm down. Off-day tomorrow so I will give you an a post dedicated to everyone's favorite clothing item, jean shorts.

Steak talk, not Reds talk

So the Reds lose again, blowing a 2-0 lead. At least Dusty proved he is alive because he got thrown out. Not that it mattered because the ump had already thrown out Edwin Encarnacion and gotten into the head of the Reds pitchers. By the time he stood up for his team it was too late to make a difference. Had he stood up in the first few innings, things might have been different. Dusty can clearly not manage an entire season but until he proves he can coach one game without messing up, I am going to remove myself from following them too close. That is all about the Reds until they play a good game. With Dusty at the helm, it may be a few weeks.

UPDATE: Dusty has been suspended for two games because he made contact with the ump before getting tossed. Here comes a two game winning streak.

Now I want to talk a little about steak houses. i have been very fortunate recently to have been to four amazing steak houses: Bones in Atlanta, Peter Luger's in New York, and Pat's and Jeff Ruby's in Louisville. This is like going to Yankee Stadium, Fenway, Wrigley, and Camden yards within a month. Let me break them down in four categories: Food and Drink, Service, and Atmosphere and judge them on a scale of 1 to 10.

Bones
Food and Drink: The steak at Bones is cooked to perfection. The meat is of very high quality and they cook it to exact specification. My medium rare steak was pink on the inside but not bleeding and the fillet was tender and juicy. Side items were good, but not great. The potatoes tasted good but the veggies could have used more flavor. The wine list was phenomenal with plenty of both Red and White in varrying price ranges. SCORE: 9

Service: I have been to Bones three of four times and each time the service was phenomenal. The waiters know the menu and wine list and can give great advice on what to order. They stay out of the way when eating and talking but are always there if you need something. The water glasses were always food and plates were taken as soon as you signaled you were finished. Couldn't ask for anything more. SCORE: 10

Atmosphere: Bones is located in a building that looks small from the outside. Once in side you quickly realize that is far from the reality. There is a spacious bar and the dinging area has a two levels and multiple wings making enough room for plenty of tables. The lights are turned low and the large space allows room to move without feeling cramped. While they do a great job creating an upscale and elegant atmosphere, it sometimes feel like you must be on your best behavior at all times, which can be difficult after a few mint juleps. SCORE: 8.5

TOTAL SCORE: 27.5

Peter Luger's

Food and Drink: The specialty is steak. You order steak for the number of people and the steak comes out on a large plate. They precut it into smaller bites and you take as you wish from the serving plate. The side items are cooked and served family style which go well with the great meat. The restaurant is famous for its sauce with the steak which is excellent. Wine is affordable and very good. The steak was not the best meat but was cooked very well and served in a unique style that was great for me because I could eat as much as I wanted without anyone knowing I was eating more than my share. SCORE: 8.5

Service: Peter Luger's is famous for having rude service. I found this to be mostly a myth. I would not call it rude; I would call it aloof. The waters come by once for drinks. They return to take your meal order. They don't bother you with questions about the food or if there is anything else you would like. I actually liked this because no conversations were interrupted by questions about the wine. That being said, I little more interaction would have helped clear the table faster and receive more drinks when needed. The servers were not rude, they just stayed out of the way of dinner, sometimes a little too much. SCORE 8

Atmosphere: The restaurant was a little different from most steakhouses because it was a little brighter than most. The light's were turned up and made everything more visible. Accordingly, the atmosphere was more lively. It felt less formal and we could say anything we wanted without fear that it would upset the otherwise elegant atmosphere. I loved the way it was set up from lighting to the ample area around the tables. It also helps that I saw Uma Thurman eating there. SCORE 9.5


TOTAL SCORE: 26

Pat's

Food and Drink: The steak at Pat's was a little different than the others. The meat was of high quality but what really stood out was the seasoning. The flavor coming from the steak was distinct and very good. It was cooked to perfection and was the best tasting out of the four. The side items were good but not great. The wine list was very good with many options. The steak makes up for any deficiencies in the side items. SCORE 9.5


Service: Because it is a family owned steakhouse, the service was very good but nothing exceptional. The servers all seemed to know each other and handled anything that was needed with prompt service. The waiters knew the menu and were helpful when deciding between dressings and sides. They also accommodated a special request we made upon arrival. The service was very good and made for an enjoyable evening. SCORE 9

Atmosphere: The house the restaurant is in is very old and has many little coves and back rooms. The homely feel is accented by old decorations that seem a little out of place for a steakhouse. I think the inside could use a little update without reuining the feeling that you are eating a steak dinner at home. SCORE 8.5

TOTAL SCORE: 27

Jeff Ruby's

Food and Drink: Jeff Ruby's manages to combine the two key things I look for in a steak: well-cooked and great flavor. The steak was very tender and juicy inside. The seasoning also managed to create great flavor. The combination of the two made for one of the best pieces of meat I have ever eaten. Extensive wine list but few options for the lower budgets. SCORE 9

Service: The service never really wowed me. I felt like it was any other restaurant and never managed to sense anything special about the experience. The waiters did everything they were supposed to but did not make the evening any more special because of the service. SCORE 8

Atmosphere: The restaurant has a large dining area and is a wonderful place to eat. The lights are turned low but not too low to where you can't see anything. The decor is modern and gives a feel that you are eating a fancy dinner. If only the service made you feel the same way the atmosphere did. SCORE 8

TOTAL SCORE: 25

Well there it is. My review of four very good steakhouses. Bones is the bestwhich is how I thought it would be. Thanks for allowing me a quick diversion from the sinking Titanic known as the Cincinnati Reds.

Albert Pujols = Ty Cobb?

Last night, in one half inning, Pu-holes hit a line drive off a pitcher's face. The pitcher had a broken nose and blood all over the mound and his face. This did not quench Pu-holes bloodlust. After reaching second, the following batter hit a single. Pu-holes came around third and slid into home. He managed to go in feet first, maybe spikes up, and break the catcher's ankle. There is no confirmation whatsoever that it was spikes up but after what he did to the pitcher I can only assume.

Ty Cobb was notorious for hurting people through dirty play. As a Reds fan, I hate Pu-holes mostly because he is good and can only hope that he is a bad person. I picture him as a cross between John Rocker and Jose Canseco, only not shitty at baseball. In reality, he is an amazing player and probably a great person. I just wish he would quit injuring people like Ty Cobb.

By the way, the Reds got swept in LA for the third year in a row. Now off to San Diego and hopefully not lose three. Patterson played again and we lost. He is awful. I am convinced he has pictures of Dusty with one of Ronaldo's tranny hookers. That is the only reason Dusty is playing him. He is certainly not playing because of his baseball "skills." Dusty must be fired now.

Another loss, change of subject

Ho hum, another west coast road swing and another loss. Corey Patterson started last night and while getting one hit still managed to lower is OPS. The latest VORP* shows that Patterson is a -.03. His OPS+ which is OPS adjusted by park is 83. 100 is average. This is HORRIBLE. He must be let go or traded for a Dodger Dog and a bag of boiled peanuts.

*VORP stands for Value of Replacement Player. The higher the number the better that player is than the average, bargain bin player.

Instead of dwelling on these horrible stats, let me move on to happier, off-topic things. Today is the day of the Champions League Soccer Final. The Champions League is a Soccer Tournament made up of the best teams from all over Europe. It is the most prestigious annual soccer tournament and the annual game is played much like the Super Bowl, in a predetermined major city. This year's game is in Moscow and pits two English teams, Manchester United and Chelsea. I have been fascinated in recent years with European soccer because of the passion. Manchester United is like the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Detroit Red Wings all mixed into one. Their coach was even knighted. That is the equivalent of our president awarding the highest civilian award to Joe Torre. I encourage people to watch because it is the best soccer game in the world and, while there aren't a ton of goals, the buildup to a goal is like nothing else. Also, once someone does score, the excitement is unparalleled. In between these goals there is constant chanting and cheering by the fans which is a lost art in American sports. Watch the excitement in that stadium and hope that one day it can be equaled in at least one American sport.

Johnny Cueto tonight. Hopefully he can lower that 5.75 ERA and Griffey can hit something other than a single. His slugging percentage is plummeting because all he does is hit singles. Hit 600 then hope we can trade him and call up Bruce. That would also entail Dusty started Bruce over Patterson which may be a problem but we will deal with that when the time comes.

Have a great Champions League Final Day and Go Chelsea.

Matt Belisle tonight, other thoughts

I cant wait.

Also, if Patterson starts again with his .226/.271/.403, greater steps need to be taken against Dusty. He OPS's .674. That is horrible and good enough for last among all Reds with more than 50 AB's.

Meanwhile, Jay Bruce is at .362/.392/.669 and OPS's 1.061. Boy am I glad he is in Louisville and Patterson is starting in CF. I don't care how bad Bruce's defense is in CF, we need hitters and he provides that.

Another great night last night for the Reds on the basebaths. Griffey is thrown out badly stretching a single to a double and Arroyo is thrown out tagging up to third on a flyball. Griffey would have scored on Phillips' triple and Arroyo would have been on second with the heart of the order coming up. Another blown game due to poor coaching.

Thanks Dusty. You have forced me to drink heavily.

Back in Business

Many thanks to Bad Kermit over at Hirejimessian.com for turning this blog over to me. I really appreciate it and look forward to continuing what he started.

INTRO:

First off let me state that I am a lifelong Reds fan of nearly 20 years. My first heroes were Eric Davis and Barry Larkin. I will always remember the All-Star game at Riverfront in 1988 and watching the Reds celebrate in Oakland in 1990. The playoffs in 1995 and the one game playoff in 1999 cut deep but provided me with winning baseball. Griffey coming home was a monumentus day for Cincinnati and all other small-market teams. I cherish these memories but fear they will get clouded with the current mismanagement of the Reds by Dusty Baker.

MISSION:

I will dedicate this blog to showing his inability to understand basic baseball knowledge as well as his refusal to adapt to the current state of baseball. His way of stubbornly giving away outs and loyalty to "old school baseball" make me crazy. He has shown throughout his career that he has one way of playing and that way has gone by the wayside. Clogging the bases is a term that makes no sense yet he continues to believe in. Men on base is a good thing. That is the goal of every batter. Dusty feels swinging the bat should be the goal of every batter and this leads to meaningless outs and wasted at bats. This leads to more losses for my beloved Reds and that is simply not a satisfactory result. HE MUST BE STOPPED. That is my mission, take it or leave it.

FORMAT:

While getting Dusty Baker as far away from Cincinnati is my main goal, I will also be posting about other baseball topics of interest. I read many other blogs online and have found that ones that cover many topics tend to be the best rather than ones focused on a single entity. In this vein, I will take inspiration from Joe Posnanski, Firejoemorgan.com, and others to keep things interesting while still focusing on Dusty himself.

CONCULSION:

I hope those reading this will understand that most of what is said should not be taken serious. It is a joke. Dusty Baker is a good man but not a good manager. Once my mission is complete he can return to ESPN or, god willing, take over in St. Louis and ruin the Cardinals.

Condolences to the City of Cincinnati

It looks like Christmas came a couple months early for the rest of the NL Central, as the Cincinnati Reds have signed Dusty Baker to a three-year contract. To MANAGE the team, in case that's not clear. Yes, the same Reds who are in the NL Central and who watched Dusty manage the Cubs. No, I'm not sure why yet. I guess they wanted a big name.

Go ahead and slide those black armbands all the way down to your wrists, Cincinnati.

MOVED

Folks, it's been great. Sorry I couldn't get Dusty fired, but I'm already working on Sweet Lou at Fire Lou Piniella!

It's going to happen. Don't fight it.

It's Over, Johnny

It's been a long run, folks. A long, obnoxious, pointless waste of time, money, and energy. We've suffered through double switches galore, through Neifi Perez at leadoff, through any Enrique Wilson, through Tony Womack (twice!), through Jose Macias, and, most recently, through Freddie Bynum. We've watched our former heroes Mark Prior and Kerry Wood get reduced to brittle shambles of their former selves. We've watched a collapse of monumental proportions. We've broken televisions and radios. We've watched formerly great relievers (Latroy Hawkins, Mike Remlinger) misused, miscast, and discarded. We've wept. We've lived and died with the Cubs through four years of futility.

I remember, after the Cubs lost the NLCS in 2003, thinking that they had blown their chance. They wasted some brilliant playoff pitching (aside from Game 7 and the last 2 innings of Game 6) from Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. The Sosa game-tying homerun in Game 1. The Aramis grand slam off Dontrelle Willis. Hell, the Alex Gonzalez homer in Atlanta. Didn't even Doug Glanville's skeleton hit a triple in the playoffs? The Cubs seemed destined to win that year. How great would it have been? The three longest-suffering franchises in baseball would have broken their droughts 1-2-3, from 2003 through 2005. It would have been a story for the ages. But, in typical Cub fashion, they f@#$ed it up. A lot of fans blame Alex Gonzalez. Many blame the foul ball, Farnsworth, or even Prior. But, let's face it. No one was more blameworthy in 2003 than Dusty.

Dusty is the one who rode the young Zambrano all season, beating him into the ground to the point that he was pitching on fumes in the playoffs. Dusty was the one who left Prior in with a eleven run lead in the fifth inning of the Game 2 blowout of Florida (I screamed at you through my TV when Prior ran out for the 6th inning, Dusty, and I chugged a bottle of Pepto Bismal when he came out for the 7th). Dusty was the one who didn't go to Clement out of the bullpen at any point during the playoffs. Dusty was the one who made so many moronic decisions during the year that it took until the Saturday double header against the Pirates for the Cubs to clinch. Let's be honest. The division should have been wrapped up a week earlier, and our starters should have gotten the rest they so desperately needed (Why the f@#$ did he keep running Shawn Estes out there to get beat like a drum?).

And the worst part is that Dusty will make you feel like it's your fault for hating him for it. He'll say, "Aw, shucks, dude. I guess it's not in the cards." He'll sprinkle his magic powder, and he'll tell you that he had no one in the bullpen for Game 2. No one in the bullpen could hold a ten run lead for four innings, Dusty? You don't expect us to be stupid enough to believe that, right? Veres and Guthrie gave up a hit and a walk in their two innings of relief. You couldn't have stretched them out a little more?

Dusty would have you believe that it's Matt Clement's fault that he didn't pitch in the playoffs. He claims that he asked Clement if he wanted to pitch, and Clement said he didn't feel comfortable doing that. In Dusty's world, that makes it Clement's fault. Well, f@#$ you, Dusty. You're the manager of the ballclub. Act like it. It's not Clement's call. You know how you manage a club? You walk up to Matt Clement during the 3rd inning of Game 2 when it's already an 8-run rout and say, "Get your ass out of the dugout and down in the bullpen. You're going into this game. And make me a goddamn sandwich while you're down there. You know how I like it. Everyone who ate my crappy sandwich during that Subway promotion knows how I like it." And if Clement complains, kick his ass out of the dugout. You weren't there to make friends, Dusty. You were there to win, and you blew it. Clement should have been ready to go in Game 2 and, since you refused to bring him in then, he sure as hell should have been ready for Game 6 and 7. That's on you, Dusty. Not Matt Clement.

Your stupid loyalty to bad baseball players was staggering, Dusty. You kept trotting Shawn Estes out there, when everyone in Chicago knew that Juan Cruz was a better option. You let Mark Bellhorn rot on the bench so you could get at-bats to Lenny "I'm-the-all-time-leader-in-pinch-hits-because-everyone-but-Dusty-knows-I'm-not-good-enough-to-start" Harris. We should have wrapped up the division in the middle of the week, Dusty. And you should have rested Z, Prior, Wood, Clement, and your entire bullpen. Instead, you wore them down like dogs. Wood and Prior were heroic in the playoffs, and you wasted it.

Even this season, Dusty, you did nothing but make excuses. You blamed the injuries to your "horses." You blamed day games. It was everyone's fault but yours, Dusty. My parents taught me at a very young age to stand up and hold myself accountable for my mistakes, but you were never man enough to do that, and I don't think you ever will be.

I knew, lying in my bed the night of Game 7, that, as long as you were their manager, the Cubs would never get as close to the World Series as they had that night. Good riddance to you, Dusty. I hope someday you learn to hold yourself accountable for your own actions, but I'm glad that someday won't occur with you in a Cubs uniform.

The Four Year Kick to the Crotch is Almost Over

Despite my best (read, half-assed) efforts, Dusty avoided getting fired for the past four years, despite epic levels of incompetence. Too bad. I was desperately hoping for a firing scene as awkward as Jerry Maguire's "Who's coming with me? Who's coming with me?" scene.

You've got our coin, Dusty, now get your kwan the f@#$ out of here.

However, not even Jim Hendry can possibly be stupid enough to resign Dusty, right? The uproar would be outstanding. Therefore, I have compiled a dream list of coaches to take over the Cubs next year. They're available, Jim. Put down the cruller and make some phone calls.

1. Manager, Joe Girardi. Jim is afraid of the smear campaign the Marlins are putting on Girardi. He's not afraid, however, of smearing butter on a Twinkie. He also didn't seem to care about the Nomar trashing that came out of Boston when he was unhappy there. Jim, of course he's not going to say anything nice about Girardi. He, unlike you, seems to understand public backlash. Girardi should be the runaway winner of NL Manager of the Year. Loria doesn't want to piss off the 12 remaining Marlins fans. That's also why he has never signed Neifi Perez, Jim. You dumbass. Second Choices: There are none. It's Girardi or bust. So help you, Jim, if you f@#$ing hire Lloyd McClendon.
   
2. Pitching Coach, Greg Maddux. Maddux knows this organization is run by retarded drunks. He knows that the Cubs have little to no talent in the farm system. And he had to orchestrate his own trade just to get out of here. Why would he come back? Did you see him crying at his press conference when the Cubs resigned him in 2004? He loves the Cubs, like all of us masochists. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to see what he can do as a pitching coach in the same division as his brother Mike? Second Choices: Rick Kranitz has been in the organization before, and he's worked wonders with the young Marlins pitching staff. Mike Maddux is the most underrated pitching coach in baseball. Steve Stone is brilliant, but he's too arrogant to teach the game of baseball to the Cubs' pitchers.
   
3. Hitting Coach, Ryne Sandberg. Some time after his career ended the second time, Sandberg learned to talk. And he hasn't shut up since. Can we put a bat in his hands, stand him in front of Matt Murton and Ryan Theriot and ask him, "Hey, Ryno? How did you develop that sweet swing, and how were you able to use it to hit the ball out of the park?" Let's face it. Ryno had one of the best swings the Cubs have seen in a long time, and I'd love to have him back. Second Choices: Andre Dawson, one of the scariest, nicest, best ballplayers to have played for the Cubs. Mark Grace, just to get him the hell out of the booth and away from the English language. Also, he knew how to take a walk, something this team lacks. Plus, I think the bad blood has mostly come to rest.
   
4. Bench Coach, Don Zimmer. What the hell does a bench coach do, exactly? Seriously. Does Dick Pole work on Prior's posture when he's parked on the bench for 90% of the season? I guess we need a figurehead, though, so can we get Zimmer to come back? Second Choices: Who the hell cares? Let's see. Bill Murray? He'd keep the clubhouse light, that's for sure.
5. First Base Coach, Billy Williams. Billy, get your ass out of the front office and back on the field where you belong. We'd have two of the sweetest swings in Cubs history on staff. Come back to us, Billy. Second Choices: Dusty Baker, just to humiliate him and to annoy him when guys actually get walks. Any of the guys who don't get the jobs above would do, too.
6. Third Base Coach, Chris Speier. This is the only guy I'd keep from the current regime. He's aggressive without being Wendell Kim-stupid, and he is the only coach who cared enough to drink heavily because of this crap team. Second Choices: See, First Base Coach Choices.

I assume we'll hear by Monday at the latest that Dusty is gone. Let the celebration begin!

EDITORIAL: Fourteen Days of Dusty-Free Living

I finally did it, folks. I finally gave up on the Cubs. Two Wednesdays ago, it was. I reached for the remote, I pointed it at the television to turn on the game, and something stopped me. One little word ran through my head. "Why?" I searched my brain for an answer to the question, and couldn't think of a single reason to watch the Cubs. Zambrano doesn't even do it for me anymore. The sight of that goddamn red "C" makes me sick to my stomach now. So, I put down the remote and picked up a book. A book!

This is what it's come to, folks. I read. I read some silly novel called Reversible Errors, just because it was written by a guy from my hometown. But that's not the point. The point is that two weeks ago, Dusty Baker drove me to reading. I got to thinking, "Is this a good thing? Will the time I don't waste on the Cubs make me a better person?" To find the answer, I decided to stop watching the Cubs completely for two weeks. Let's explore what I did in that time in an effort to finally answer the question, "Do the Cubs sucking at everything make me suck at life, too?"

Entertainment:

Since I had my Dustorcism, I have watched the following movies and television shows (sponsored, in part, by Netflix):

1. Life on Mars--If you're not watching this BBC show, start watching this show. It's about a cop in London who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. Is he dreaming the whole thing? Is he in a coma? Is he dead? Is he actually back in time? Anyhow, he's the guy in the white hat trying to change the Stone Age, crooked ways of the cops back in 1973. This is one of the best shows on television.
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--I'm pissed I was invited to this party late. It's on FX, and it's absolutely brilliant. The characters are loveably evil, and Charlie may be my favorite comedic character of all time. The 50's-TV-style opening is juxtaposed against the shocking and hilarious content. Why aren't you watching this show right now?
   
3. Peep Show, Series 1--An interesting British comedy that does a lot of shots from the perspective of the main characters (hence, "Peep Show"). Let's face it. It's not The Office, but it was enjoyable and had some very funny moments.
4. Three Days of the Condor--Robert Redford, government conspiracy, and the American Dream of returning to work to find everyone in your office shot to death. Great movie.
5. The Brady Bunch Movie--Okay, this was my wife's pick. I think if I was a bigger fan of the original show, I would have enjoyed it more. It was better than the Cubs, though, right?
6. Castaway--I saw this one when it first came out in the theater, and couldn't remember whether I enjoyed it or not. I liked it better this time, because I'm getting to the point in my life when getting stranded on a desert island doesn't seem that unappealing. I'm also having my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow, so the scene where he knocks out his tooth with a skate blade sent shivers down the spine.
7. The Descent--Saw this one in the theaters. Wow. I wasn't expecting the gore. There were some great jump moments, some truly disgusting scenes, and a lot of tension between the characters. It was interesting how the characters were fighting against both the cave and the creatures. For someone as claustrophobic as I am, it was tough to watch, but very good.
8. Lost, Season 1, Disc 1--Just got this one last night from Netflix. I missed out on the Lost fever when it first spread. I can understand this story's appeal, despite the completely absurd plot holes and the writers' inability to remember what their own characters have said from scene to scene. Bizarre.

I have had more time for the following games:

1. Dead Rising (Xbox 360)--It's like playing Dawn of the Dead, and it's oh-so-sweet.
2. NCAA Football (Xbox 360)--Notre Dame has already won one National Championship of many more to come.
3. NCAA MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I picked this up to get in my baseball fix, as I finally came to the realization that MLB 2K6 completely sucks. It's a great game, as a non-MLB sequel to...
4. MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I fired up a new season, and in keeping with the no-Cubs theme, I am using the Twins (my backup AL team). They are 5-2 so far, if you're wondering.

I have also read the aforementioned Reversible Errors. Yawn.

Health:
I have finally been able to run at a relatively consistent rate. I have dropped a couple of pounds, and last week I ran more (21 miles) than I had in the previous three weeks combined.

Social:
I have been able to pay more attention to my dog and wife, who both love me even more than they did before I gave up on the Cubs. My friends don't find me as bitter. My co-workers notice a little spring in my step. I've talked more to my family.

Religion:
I've been bad about going to Church, but have dragged myself out of bed the past two Sundays to practice my faith.

How does this all add up? To me, it looks like I'm a better person for having given up hope on the Cubs. I challenge anyone to give me a good reason not to give up on them before a pitch is thrown in 2007...

Hendry Ends Speculation About Future of Fire Dusty Baker!

CHICAGO--Cubs GM Jim Hendry, sick of all the speculation surrounding the security of popular Cubs website "Fire Dusty Baker!", decided to put the rumors to rest on Friday.

"I'm tired of all the questions directed at me and the staff of 'Fire Dusty Baker!', so I want to assure you that 'Fire Dusty Baker!' will be here through the end of this season. At the end of the season, I will take a look at everything and decide where to go from there," Hendry said between bites of a jelly doughnut.

Rumors had swirled around "Fire Dusty Baker!" that it would be removed due to its incompetent writing, factually inaccurate stories, wild speculations, not-so-subtle insults, and lack of timely updates. The rumors were based largely on Hendry's statement before the All-Star Break that he would evaluate the site. This led many in the media to believe that Hendry would make a move soon after the break.

Hendry remained silent about the site's future until Friday. "Fire Dusty Baker!" suspects that it was difficult for Hendry to read the many articles on the site, as he usually mouths the words
he is reading, making it impossible for him to read and eat simultaneously.

Whatever the reason for the delay, the staff at "Fire Dusty Baker!" is pleased to serve its three loyal readers at least until the end of the 2006 season.

EDITORIAL--My Lungs to Hendry: "Save Us!"

Well, it's finally happened. Jim Hendry's stupid confidence in Dusty Baker has caused me to do something drastic to end this nonsense. I'm going to start smoking in protest. That's right, Jim Hendry. From this day forth, each day that Dusty Baker is the manager of the Chicago Cubs, I am going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm not a smoker, Jim. I'm not going to enjoy it. My hair, clothes, and breath will stink, my teeth will stain, my food will taste bland, and my wife will probably hate me. But none of it can be as bad as watching your stinky, bland team on the field, and hating them.

An artist's rendition of the current condition of my lungs.

What Jim Hendry can prevent my lungs from becoming.

The Surgeon General has said smoking is bad for you, Jim. It may even kill me. But no more than your team is killing me right now.

So, Jim, do the right thing. If not for me, if not for the fans of the Cubs out there, for my pink and beautiful lungs. Save them, Jim, before they become black enough to play in a day game for your idiot manager.

Zambrano Defects to NL All-Star Team

PITTSBURGH--After spending almost four full seasons of his Major League baseball career in the Cubs' organization, Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano has had enough. On Monday, soon after arriving in Pittsburgh for the All-Star Game, the Venezuelan superstar defected to the National League All-Star team.

Zambrano's decision came mere hours after the Cubs defeated Milwaukee to win the series with the Brewers three games to one, and to send the Cubs to their longest winning streak of the season: three games. "Now that we've won three games in a row, I think that Jim Hendry might re-sign Dusty Baker, and my arm just can't handle that."

Zambrano's right arm begged to differ. "I can handle that," Zambrano's right arm said. "If I can handle all the instant messaging he does, I can certainly handle throwing upwards of 250 pitches per start." Zambrano's left arm did not return phone messages left for it by Fire Dusty Baker!

Zambrano thinks that playing exclusively for the National League All-Star team will prolong his career. "When I went to the All-Star Game [in 2004], they only made me pitch an inning. Only one inning! I think that if I only have to pitch one inning per year, I can pitch for the next 4000 years. If I pitch for Dusty, I think I might reach that by September."

Cubs pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were amazed by Zambrano's lofty goals. "He wants to throw an inning? In one year? Like, three outs? 'Big Z' is a total workhorse," Prior said. "He's not going to bat, too, is he?" Prior asked.

Fire Dusty Baker! caught up to Wood, who was similarly amazed, in a brief period of lucidity between surgery-induced anesthesia highs. "I'm sure going to miss Carlos," Wood said. "He took a lot of pressure of the other starters by eating a lot of innings. Who are our starters again these days?" When Wood was informed that Glendon Rusch had taken the hill for the Cubs on Sunday, he slipped into a deep coma.

Zambrano is expected to pitch the fourth inning of Tuesday's All-Star game. His next appearance will be in July of 2007, two months ahead of Prior and Wood's next starts.

Bynum to Star in Platoon with Murton

CHICAGO--In a move sure to fix what is currently unbroken, Dusty Baker hinted today that he might use Freddie Bynum and Matt Murton in a Platoon in left field. Baker hinted that Freddie is "good" and plays good defense which, apparently, is needed in the jungles of Viet Nam.

Asked about the Platoon, Baker said, "Dude, you see Murton's hair? I send him out into the jungle against righties, and they're going to be aiming right for that red hair. That red hair is like a bullseye. When me and Hank Aaron used to play, we always used to point out how, if we saw a blonde guy, a brunette guy, and a redhead guy, we'd shoot the redhead guy first, because you know redheaded guys are dangerous. That's just the way it is, man. You know? I don't make the rules."


Cubs left fielder Matt Murton learns that he is now part of a Platoon with circus clown Freddie Bynum.

Cubs shortstop Ronny Cedeno heard about the Platoon from Baker hours before it was announced to the press. "I wasn't too suprised. During batting practice today, Dusty asked me to wear a metal jacket and go deer hunting with him. I think he's been watching the Military Channel and is confused," Cedeno said.

When asked about the Cubs' recent struggles, Baker did indeed seem confused. "Man, it's like the apocalypse now out there the way we're losing games. You know? I wasn't just born on the fourth of July. I can see that we need to get better out there on the killing fields. I don't want to just be some casualty of war. You know? In 2003, we were soldiers, and we almost made it all the way to the top of that golden hamburger hill, but we lost our way in the fog of war. We have to wait for guys like Lee, Prior, and Wood to get back, because that's like calling in the green berets, you know?" Baker stated as he sat on a bus stop bench, fascinated with a passing feather.

Time will tell whether the Platoon will revive the struggling Cubs, or if they will continue to hit like the walking dead.

Cubs Eliminated from Playoff Contention

CHICAGO--Friday's 2006 home opener for the Chicago Cubs was soured by the news that the Cubs had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The news came after the entire 25-man rosters of the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers, and Houston Astros all survived the opening week of the season without dying.

"Well, it's disappointing," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "When you look over at the other dugout and you see 25 guys all sitting there in uniform, it breaks your heart a little bit, dude."

The 2006 season was marred in its earliest stages after consecutive seasons in which the Cubs failed to make the playoffs due to the continued existence of teams like the Cardinals, Astros, San Diego Padres, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, and Boston Red Sox.

"You have to figure if the top eight or ten teams in the league for the past few years were wiped off the planet by some sort of supervirus that only affects outstanding athletes, that we would have probably made the playoffs the last two years as well as this year," Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said. "But as far as I know, there is no such virus, nor have there been any natural disasters localized to those teams' clubhouses, so we were eliminated a little early this year."

Neifi Perez hoped for elimination of the top teams as well. "You have to realize that if the top eight teams just vanished into the Bermuda Triangle, or something, that would eliminate 200 more players who are all better than I am. Cha-ching!"

News of the elimination inspired pitching coach Larry Rothschild to begin a strenuous and highly-dangerous rehabilitation progam for pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. "As soon as I heard we had been eliminated, I decided to put as much stress as possible on those guys' arms, just so they're extra-special ready for the 2007 season."

Details about Rothschild's new, unorthodox program were vague, but rumors circulated that both pitchers will be keelhauled, quartered, and then forced to serve for six months' time on an Arctic fishing boat.

"I had to put them on the fishing boat, because I just missed the signups for the heavyweight all-right-handed arm wrestling tournament," Rothschild said.

Neither Wood nor Prior could be reached for comment, as they were both at base jumping class.

News of the Cubs elimination reached the Cardinals players, as the fact that no one had died was posted on the Wrigley scoreboard before the game. "I'm sure it's disappointing for them," Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols said as he reacted to external stimuli. "There's not much left for them to play for," Pujols added, metabolizing.

"They have 159 games left after today's game, which would normally leave them plenty of time to catch up," Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said as he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. "But when you have three whole teams in front of you who are all still alive, you're pretty much stuck just playing out the rest of the season."

Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal declared three Cardinal players dead before the first pitch of the opener, but his diagnosis was proven incorrect when those three players were seen playing pepper and dividing cells.

"Those guys just have to hang in there now that they're eliminated," said Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen, clearly having a soul. "Teams get eliminated early sometimes, but you have to stay positive," he said as he grew slightly and played with his biological offspring.

"There's always next year."

Prior Traded for Tejada

CHICAGO—A much-publicized trade rumor finally came to fruition Friday when ten-year-old Jason Billington of Evanston, Illinois traded his near-mint condition Topps 2002 Mark Prior rookie card to twelve-year-old Baltimore resident, Phillip Ramone. Billington received in exchange a faded and dog-eared Miguel Tejada 2005 Studio Portraits Donruss Zenith card. Rumors swirled that the card may have also had a coffee stain on the back of it.

Said Ramone of the trade, “Since I started my collection, I’ve been going down my list of cards saying, ‘Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him.’ Every time I get to Prior, though, I had to say, ‘Need him.’ It bugged me that he was a ‘need him.’”

Ramone plans to put the card in his display case next to his vibrating Leo Mazzone card. He says that he will leave five spaces open around it for Prior’s ‘Cy Young’ cards.”

When Ramone was asked if the Prior card was his favorite in his collection, he said, “It’s probably number two. You know that card where the guy has ‘@$#! FACE’ written on the bottom of his bat? It’s going to take one great card to beat that one.”

Billington was similarly happy with the acquisition. “Oh, yeah. I’m pumped about the trade,” Billington said. “At first, Phillip was asking for my Rich Hill rookie card, but I have that one in a hermeneutically-sealed safe in my attic. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to touch my Rich Hill, or Dicky Bump, as I like to call him.”

Fans of Billington’s collection were outraged at the trade. Billington’s father, Tom, when reached for comment, said, “That kid is retarded.”

Billington’s best friend, Mark Williams, was equally dismayed. “Man, I don’t know what that stupid [Billington] is thinking sometimes. Did you know he paid ten dollars for his fricking Glendon Rusch card? Ten dollars! He could have actually purchased the life of Neifi Perez for that!”

Billington has been known to be careless with his cards, as Williams explained, “Man, I found his Todd Walker mint condition rookie card sitting at the bottom of an old shoe box. Under some blankets. At the back of his closet. Which is at the bottom of the deepest, darkest part of Lake Michigan.”

Cubs manager Dusty Baker, having nothing better to do in the offseason than lament the release of Jose Macias and look forward to the inevitable resigning of a 42-year-old Jose Macias, commented on the trade. “Dude, man, I used to collect baseball cards. You know what I used to do? I used to cut out my face from pictures and paste it on Hank [Aaron]’s card. Man, you ever eat paste? Boy, I put on a lot of pounds from eating paste.”

Does Dusty still have his collection? “Well, man, I ruined most of my cards of black players. They got all faded from leaving them out in the sun for too long.”

Wood Throws 178 Pitches from Hospital Bed

EVANSTON--Fearing that he wasn't getting enough production from his right-handed fireballer, Dusty Baker decided on Wednesday to have Kerry Wood start on three days rest from his hospital bed in the recovery ward of Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Wood, having had arthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder the day before, was in uniform when "Fire Dusty Baker!" caught up to him. Catching up was not difficult, as Wood was under strict orders from his doctor to move as little as possible, or to at least ice his shoulder after his 178-pitch outing.

Wood said that the difficult part of the outing was not pitching from a slight incline, as has hospital bed was mechanically raised so that Wood could read the signs from catcher Michael Barrett. "That wasn't too bad," said Wood. "The really hard part was throwing strikes from Evanston to Wrigley."


Wood was in good spirits after his 12-0, complete game victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles Wednesday.

Wood gave up six hits, three walks, and no runs in his nine-inning outing. The Cubs scored twelve runs for Wood in the first inning, but Baker decided to stick with Wood for the entire outing. "Woody's been the guy for us, you know?" Baker inquired. "Dude, I'd take a half-healthy Woody on his back pitching from Evanston over a lot of guys in the league. You know?"

Baker did not make a single call to the bullpen during the 12-0 blowout. Baker did, however, make one mound visit during the eighth inning, via the CTA Purple Line. He also called for Wood to drag bunt during every single one of Wood's at-bats, which Wood was helicoptered in to take. Wood succesfully reached first twice on the bunts, at which time Baker had him steal second and third base. "I guess I was a little tired out there. And I was a little sick from the helicopter rides. That's a bumpy ride! But, Dusty's the manager, and you have to stand behind his decisions," Wood grimaced. Standing behind Baker's decisions might be a good idea for Wood, as standing in front of Baker's train wreck of decision-making is far more dangerous.

Hollandsworth Traded for White Flag, Towel to Throw

CHICAGO--During the Cubs' 9-6 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry traded Todd Hollandsworth to the Atlanta Braves for a white flag and a towel. Cubs manager Dusty Baker plans to start the white flag in left field rather than rookie Matt Murton.

The towel will be ceremonially tossed onto the field before each Cubs game for the rest of the year. The tosser of the towel will be selected from a group of people traditionally known, according to Vice President of Marketing, John McDonough, as "colossal losers." The first such towel-throwers will be the producers of the 2003 box office flop Gigli. Other notable throwers will be former Cubs Bill Buckner, Leon Durham, and Alex Gonzalez. Several phone calls made by the marketing department to Todd Hundley were not answered, although his voice mail indicated that he is in rehab.

The Stupidity Event Horizon

CHICAGO--Cubs fans in Chicago were amazed to discover Friday that Dusty Baker, manager of the Chicago Cubs, had finally reached the Stupidity Event Horizon, the point at which no rational thought can resist the draw of Baker's amazing stupidity.

The Stupidity Event Horizon occurred Friday afternoon. Baker, with regular third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list, started Nomar Garciaparra in Ramirez's place and used rookie Ronny Cedeno at shortstop. For those who are Ron Santo enough to keep score at home, the total number of shortstops on the field at that point was two. And then, the Stupidity Event Horizon occurred.

Baker managed, amazingly, to find a place for Neifi F. Perez in his lineup. With two regular shortstops on the field, Baker, not unlike life in Jurassic Park, found a way. At the exact point when Baker penciled Perez into the lineup, the Stupidity Event Horizon swallowed up any logical thought occurring within a ten-mile radius of Wrigley Field. Car accidents occurred, irrational business deals took place, and an unusual number of patrons attended the opening of The Cave.

"Fire Dusty Baker" will keep abreast of the development of this Stupidity Event Horizon, and will keep its readers informed as to what precautionary measures can be taken in case another such Stupidity Event Horizon occurs.

The Official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game!

CHICAGO--With the 2005 season all but officially over, and with Cubs fans around the world tearing out their hair and rending their garments, lamenting another wasted season, we here at "Fire Dusty Baker!" took a different approach. We now devote our time to playing the official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game! The rules are as follows:

1. Dusty puts in Hollandsworth as a late-inning defensive replacement--THREE DRINKS
2. Even with Nomar available, Dusty finds a way to get Neifi F. Perez into the game--FIVE DRINKS
3. Dusty says the word, "Dude"--ONE DRINK
4. Dusty uses Jose F. Macias as the first pinch-hitter in a game--FIVE DRINKS
5. Dusty forces a Cubs starter to throw more than 130 pitches in a meaningless game--FIVE DRINKS
6. Dusty "argues" a close call by staring at the umpire's crotch and shaking his head, then clapping his hands together and walking back to the dugout--FIVE DRINKS
7. Dusty actually starts one of the young players called up in September--TEN DRINKS
8. Dusty uses one of the following cliches: "Battle through it," "It's a long season," or "These guys are playing hard"--FIVE DRINKS
9. You are so drunk, you actually understand one of Dusty's interviews--THREE DRINKS
10. Dusty makes a blatantly racist comment, but masks it with his own stupidity--TEN DRINKS
11. Dusty puts in a righty reliever that can't get out righties, or a lefty reliever that can't get out lefties, or vice-versa--THREE DRINKS
12. Dusty fails to get the bullpen up in time to avoid a big inning--THREE DRINKS
13. Bob Brenly out-manages Dusty from the broadcast booth--FIVE DRINKS
14. You actually wish that Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs instead of Dusty--TWO DRINKS
    
15. Ron Santo calls Dusty "The fine manager of the Chicago Cubs"--FIVE DRINKS
16. Darren sits on Dusty's lap during the post-game interview after a loss--THREE DRINKS
    

Enjoy!

Baker Gets Poster Deal

CHICAGO--Why was Dusty Baker smiling after the Cubs dropped their seventh straight game with a lackluster 8-3 loss to the Cincinatti Reds? "Fire Dusty Baker" initially suspected that the reason behind Baker's smiling visage was a fool's innocence. Upon asking sources close to Baker, though, "Fire Dusty Baker" learned that Baker recently signed a four-year motivational poster deal. Though the posters will not be released until 2006, "Fire Dusty Baker" got a sneak peek at the release-date posters. Enjoy.

Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement

CHICAGO--They say there are "unwritten rules" in baseball. Unless you're Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, or David Ortiz, you don't stand in the batter's box for 20 minutes after hitting a homerun. Unless you're Steve Kline, you don't throw at a guy's head. Unless you're Dusty Baker, you don't start Neifi Perez. But when did it become a rule that Todd Hollandsworth has to play at least two innings a game?

"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.

FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.

So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.