Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Wood Throws 178 Pitches from Hospital Bed

EVANSTON--Fearing that he wasn't getting enough production from his right-handed fireballer, Dusty Baker decided on Wednesday to have Kerry Wood start on three days rest from his hospital bed in the recovery ward of Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Wood, having had arthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder the day before, was in uniform when "Fire Dusty Baker!" caught up to him. Catching up was not difficult, as Wood was under strict orders from his doctor to move as little as possible, or to at least ice his shoulder after his 178-pitch outing.

Wood said that the difficult part of the outing was not pitching from a slight incline, as has hospital bed was mechanically raised so that Wood could read the signs from catcher Michael Barrett. "That wasn't too bad," said Wood. "The really hard part was throwing strikes from Evanston to Wrigley."

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Wood was in good spirits after his 12-0, complete game victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles Wednesday.

Wood gave up six hits, three walks, and no runs in his nine-inning outing. The Cubs scored twelve runs for Wood in the first inning, but Baker decided to stick with Wood for the entire outing. "Woody's been the guy for us, you know?" Baker inquired. "Dude, I'd take a half-healthy Woody on his back pitching from Evanston over a lot of guys in the league. You know?"

Baker did not make a single call to the bullpen during the 12-0 blowout. Baker did, however, make one mound visit during the eighth inning, via the CTA Purple Line. He also called for Wood to drag bunt during every single one of Wood's at-bats, which Wood was helicoptered in to take. Wood succesfully reached first twice on the bunts, at which time Baker had him steal second and third base. "I guess I was a little tired out there. And I was a little sick from the helicopter rides. That's a bumpy ride! But, Dusty's the manager, and you have to stand behind his decisions," Wood grimaced. Standing behind Baker's decisions might be a good idea for Wood, as standing in front of Baker's train wreck of decision-making is far more dangerous.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Hollandsworth Traded for White Flag, Towel to Throw

CHICAGO--During the Cubs' 9-6 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry traded Todd Hollandsworth to the Atlanta Braves for a white flag and a towel. Cubs manager Dusty Baker plans to start the white flag in left field rather than rookie Matt Murton.

The towel will be ceremonially tossed onto the field before each Cubs game for the rest of the year. The tosser of the towel will be selected from a group of people traditionally known, according to Vice President of Marketing, John McDonough, as "colossal losers." The first such towel-throwers will be the producers of the 2003 box office flop Gigli. Other notable throwers will be former Cubs Bill Buckner, Leon Durham, and Alex Gonzalez. Several phone calls made by the marketing department to Todd Hundley were not answered, although his voice mail indicated that he is in rehab.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The Stupidity Event Horizon

CHICAGO--Cubs fans in Chicago were amazed to discover Friday that Dusty Baker, manager of the Chicago Cubs, had finally reached the Stupidity Event Horizon, the point at which no rational thought can resist the draw of Baker's amazing stupidity.

The Stupidity Event Horizon occurred Friday afternoon. Baker, with regular third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list, started Nomar Garciaparra in Ramirez's place and used rookie Ronny Cedeno at shortstop. For those who are Ron Santo enough to keep score at home, the total number of shortstops on the field at that point was two. And then, the Stupidity Event Horizon occurred.

Baker managed, amazingly, to find a place for Neifi F. Perez in his lineup. With two regular shortstops on the field, Baker, not unlike life in Jurassic Park, found a way. At the exact point when Baker penciled Perez into the lineup, the Stupidity Event Horizon swallowed up any logical thought occurring within a ten-mile radius of Wrigley Field. Car accidents occurred, irrational business deals took place, and an unusual number of patrons attended the opening of The Cave.

"Fire Dusty Baker" will keep abreast of the development of this Stupidity Event Horizon, and will keep its readers informed as to what precautionary measures can be taken in case another such Stupidity Event Horizon occurs.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game!

CHICAGO--With the 2005 season all but officially over, and with Cubs fans around the world tearing out their hair and rending their garments, lamenting another wasted season, we here at "Fire Dusty Baker!" took a different approach. We now devote our time to playing the official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game! The rules are as follows:

  1. Dusty puts in Hollandsworth as a late-inning defensive replacement--THREE DRINKS
  2. Even with Nomar available, Dusty finds a way to get Neifi F. Perez into the game--FIVE DRINKS
  3. Dusty says the word, "Dude"--ONE DRINK
  4. Dusty uses Jose F. Macias as the first pinch-hitter in a game--FIVE DRINKS
  5. Dusty forces a Cubs starter to throw more than 130 pitches in a meaningless game--FIVE DRINKS
  6. Dusty "argues" a close call by staring at the umpire's crotch and shaking his head, then clapping his hands together and walking back to the dugout--FIVE DRINKS
  7. Dusty actually starts one of the young players called up in September--TEN DRINKS
  8. Dusty uses one of the following cliches: "Battle through it," "It's a long season," or "These guys are playing hard"--FIVE DRINKS
  9. You are so drunk, you actually understand one of Dusty's interviews--THREE DRINKS
  10. Dusty makes a blatantly racist comment, but masks it with his own stupidity--TEN DRINKS
  11. Dusty puts in a righty reliever that can't get out righties, or a lefty reliever that can't get out lefties, or vice-versa--THREE DRINKS
  12. Dusty fails to get the bullpen up in time to avoid a big inning--THREE DRINKS
  13. Bob Brenly out-manages Dusty from the broadcast booth--FIVE DRINKS
  14. You actually wish that Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs instead of Dusty--TWO DRINKS
  15. Ron Santo calls Dusty "The fine manager of the Chicago Cubs"--FIVE DRINKS
  16. Darren sits on Dusty's lap during the post-game interview after a loss--THREE DRINKS

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Baker Gets Poster Deal

CHICAGO--Why was Dusty Baker smiling after the Cubs dropped their seventh straight game with a lackluster 8-3 loss to the Cincinatti Reds? "Fire Dusty Baker" initially suspected that the reason behind Baker's smiling visage was a fool's innocence. Upon asking sources close to Baker, though, "Fire Dusty Baker" learned that Baker recently signed a four-year motivational poster deal. Though the posters will not be released until 2006, "Fire Dusty Baker" got a sneak peek at the release-date posters. Enjoy.

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement

CHICAGO--They say there are "unwritten rules" in baseball. Unless you're Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, or David Ortiz, you don't stand in the batter's box for 20 minutes after hitting a homerun. Unless you're Steve Kline, you don't throw at a guy's head. Unless you're Dusty Baker, you don't start Neifi Perez. But when did it become a rule that Todd Hollandsworth has to play at least two innings a game?

"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.

FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.

So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.