The Four Year Kick to the Crotch is Almost Over

Despite my best (read, half-assed) efforts, Dusty avoided getting fired for the past four years, despite epic levels of incompetence. Too bad. I was desperately hoping for a firing scene as awkward as Jerry Maguire's "Who's coming with me? Who's coming with me?" scene.

You've got our coin, Dusty, now get your kwan the f@#$ out of here.

However, not even Jim Hendry can possibly be stupid enough to resign Dusty, right? The uproar would be outstanding. Therefore, I have compiled a dream list of coaches to take over the Cubs next year. They're available, Jim. Put down the cruller and make some phone calls.

1. Manager, Joe Girardi. Jim is afraid of the smear campaign the Marlins are putting on Girardi. He's not afraid, however, of smearing butter on a Twinkie. He also didn't seem to care about the Nomar trashing that came out of Boston when he was unhappy there. Jim, of course he's not going to say anything nice about Girardi. He, unlike you, seems to understand public backlash. Girardi should be the runaway winner of NL Manager of the Year. Loria doesn't want to piss off the 12 remaining Marlins fans. That's also why he has never signed Neifi Perez, Jim. You dumbass. Second Choices: There are none. It's Girardi or bust. So help you, Jim, if you f@#$ing hire Lloyd McClendon.
   
2. Pitching Coach, Greg Maddux. Maddux knows this organization is run by retarded drunks. He knows that the Cubs have little to no talent in the farm system. And he had to orchestrate his own trade just to get out of here. Why would he come back? Did you see him crying at his press conference when the Cubs resigned him in 2004? He loves the Cubs, like all of us masochists. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to see what he can do as a pitching coach in the same division as his brother Mike? Second Choices: Rick Kranitz has been in the organization before, and he's worked wonders with the young Marlins pitching staff. Mike Maddux is the most underrated pitching coach in baseball. Steve Stone is brilliant, but he's too arrogant to teach the game of baseball to the Cubs' pitchers.
   
3. Hitting Coach, Ryne Sandberg. Some time after his career ended the second time, Sandberg learned to talk. And he hasn't shut up since. Can we put a bat in his hands, stand him in front of Matt Murton and Ryan Theriot and ask him, "Hey, Ryno? How did you develop that sweet swing, and how were you able to use it to hit the ball out of the park?" Let's face it. Ryno had one of the best swings the Cubs have seen in a long time, and I'd love to have him back. Second Choices: Andre Dawson, one of the scariest, nicest, best ballplayers to have played for the Cubs. Mark Grace, just to get him the hell out of the booth and away from the English language. Also, he knew how to take a walk, something this team lacks. Plus, I think the bad blood has mostly come to rest.
   
4. Bench Coach, Don Zimmer. What the hell does a bench coach do, exactly? Seriously. Does Dick Pole work on Prior's posture when he's parked on the bench for 90% of the season? I guess we need a figurehead, though, so can we get Zimmer to come back? Second Choices: Who the hell cares? Let's see. Bill Murray? He'd keep the clubhouse light, that's for sure.
5. First Base Coach, Billy Williams. Billy, get your ass out of the front office and back on the field where you belong. We'd have two of the sweetest swings in Cubs history on staff. Come back to us, Billy. Second Choices: Dusty Baker, just to humiliate him and to annoy him when guys actually get walks. Any of the guys who don't get the jobs above would do, too.
6. Third Base Coach, Chris Speier. This is the only guy I'd keep from the current regime. He's aggressive without being Wendell Kim-stupid, and he is the only coach who cared enough to drink heavily because of this crap team. Second Choices: See, First Base Coach Choices.

I assume we'll hear by Monday at the latest that Dusty is gone. Let the celebration begin!