Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement

CHICAGO--They say there are "unwritten rules" in baseball. Unless you're Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, or David Ortiz, you don't stand in the batter's box for 20 minutes after hitting a homerun. Unless you're Steve Kline, you don't throw at a guy's head. Unless you're Dusty Baker, you don't start Neifi Perez. But when did it become a rule that Todd Hollandsworth has to play at least two innings a game?

"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.

FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.

So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.

2 comments:

Mad Dog said...

Excellent stuff here. Keep up the good humor. More posts would be nice.

Tom said...

I agree with Mad Dog.
Good stuff here!