Monday, May 23, 2005


After reading through the comments following the last post, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong and that something needed to be done. In response to the situation, the following actions have been taken.

***Cancer has issued an official apology. It didn't know how much people really, truly wanted Dusty to die. While it remained strong in its stance on not taking the life of Dusty, it did express regret.

"I just wish I had known sooner. I could've offed him like THAT. Heck, I still could. The only problem is that, at this point, I've seen his work. The man is like a cancer himself. Me and my boy salmonella, our nickname for Dusty is "elbow cancer." The way he strikes seemingly healthy young men down in their primes reminds me of a young me."

***Cancer also made a donation to National Cancer Foundation or something like that (he wasn't really paying attention when he made out the check). However, being the fiendish non-entity that he is, Cancer did indeed have an ulterior motive. In making the donation in Dusty Baker's name, the intent was actually to create positive publicity for Baker, in the hopes of extending his career and allowing him to continue to take down promising young arms.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans

CHICAGO--In a rare physically visible appearance, Prostate Cancer apologized yesterday for claiming the lives of so many loving, caring, knowledgeable, and valuable human beings, while leaving Dusty Baker alive. Noted contributors to the human race claimed by Cancer are Don Ameche, Bill Bixby, Sir Alec Guiness, Johnny Ramone, Telly Savalas, and Frank Zappa. All of Cancer's famous victims had made the world a better place to live, which is exactly why Cancer did not claim Baker's life.

"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.

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Cancer makes a rare appearance.

While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses

In a move that shocked the gaming world, but made Cubs fans roll their eyes, Dusty Baker replaced Jason Dubois with Todd Hollandsworth late in a Halo 2 team slayer match, ultimately causing Dusty's team to lose.

In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.

"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"

Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.

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The final scoreboard from the match.

When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:

"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."

Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.

Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

LaTroy Hawkins Fails to Close Refrigerator Door

Gary, Indiana-- In a stunning example of the baseball world meeting the real world, LaTroy Hawkins failed to close his refrigerator door after a midnight snack, causing the spoilage of an estimated $75 worth of food.

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LaTroy's spoiled refrigerator, complete with flies and stink lines.

Hawkins has had a long past of failing to close, both ball games and doors. In 2001, LaTroy forgot to close his front door after retiring for the night, and a prowler let himself into the household, stealing thousands of dollars in valuables. In 2002, before going to sleep LaTroy not only forgot to check that his garage door was closed, but also forgot to close the door to his prized Mercedes Benz, which was promptly stolen. In 2004, LaTroy forgot to make sure his backdoor was closed before going to sleep, and his prized shih-tzu 'Alfonseca' exited through the door, and is still missing to this day.

"I just don't get it, man", said a depressed LaTroy. "It's the damndest thing. Whenever it's during the day, I never forget to close the door. In fact, I've developed quite the knack for it, and I should say I'm among the best in the world at doing it. But for whatever reason, when it's late at night, the pressure is on to make sure I close those doors before I go to bed. I simply can't get the job done. I don't know, man. I'm really good at doing it any other time, but when it's important, and my family needs me the most, I just go blank."

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LaTroy angrily reacts when he realizes he left the door open all night.

Coincidentally (or not), LaTroy led the National League in blown saves in 2004, and in 2001 he lead the entire MLB.

LaTroy Hawkins's manager and landlord, Dusty Baker, was asked why he continually trusts Hawkins to close baseball games and to make sure all the doors in LaTroy's house are shut when he goes to bed.

"Dude, it's an odd situation. It's like when you're throwing a big barbecue where everyone's invited, man. You've got your steaks, your burgers, your hot dogs, your chicken, everything's delicious man, everyone loves the food and everything's going great. Next thing you know, the big boss shows up to the party, and he wants a steak cooked medium rare and a hot dog. Now, dude, this is your boss, so of course you're gonna try really hard to get the steak just perfect, and the dog extra plumpy and scrumptious. But next thing you know, the steak is too well done for his liking, the hot dog falls on the floor, your boss gets mad cow disease, and in a fit of rage from the mad cow disease he fires you and everyone you've ever loved. You know what I'm saying, dude?"

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary that LaTroy cannot close doors and ball games in important situations, Dusty remains steadfast in trusting LaTroy to close. The simple reason, of course, is that Dusty is very stupid, and needs to be fired immediately.

Cubs reliever Michael Wuertz has volunteered to close the doors for the Hawkins household, but Dusty nixed the idea, citing that Wuertz lacks the mental makeup to make sure all doors are shut. Wuertz was unavailable for comment, but he did release an official statement through his spokesman. I miss Iowa :-( was all it said.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Cubs, Baker Spiral Into Oblivion

MILWAUKEE--The Cubs spiraled farther down the ladder of contenders in the NL Central as they had their first five-game losing streak of the season, dropping the last two to the Houston Astros and getting swept by the powerhouse Milwaukee Brewers. At the exact same time, Dusty Baker spiraled into a vortex that opened in the Cubs visiting dugout during the series in Milwaukee.

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Wormholes exist? Who knew!

Both the five-game losing streak and the rip in the space-time continuum were surprising to the team. "This team just has too much talent to endure too many five-game losing streaks," Cubs pitcher Mark Prior said. "Also, I didn't know that wormholes actually existed."

Neifi Perez, looking suspicious after the vortex opened, swallowing Dusty Baker and an entire box of toothpicks, had this to say. "Why are you looking at me? Is it because you assume that I've figured out some way to travel through time and to see the pitches that are going to be thrown to me, and that explains the way I've been hitting lately? Because that's just absurd! There's no way that . . . Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!"

Jim Hendry took the opportunity to sign the vortex as the new Cubs closer. "Well, we've seen so many leads disappear with Latroy [Hawkins] out there, I figure throwing out a vortex in the ninth inning couldn't be too much worse. I'm working on signing the vortex to an extension, and I'm also looking for a black hole that Dusty can play over Dubois when it's hot out."