Monday, June 09, 2008
Looks like Harang is the one
Onto soccer. The poll shows a substantial amount of readers, 3, want me to talk about soccer. Well one of the largest soccer tournaments, European Cup 2008, started this past weekend. This is a tournament involving 16 teams from across Europe. They are divided into 4 groups of 4 teams and after a round robin, 2 teams from each enter an 8-team tournament. Europeans love their soccer and this tournament includes most of the best teams in the world save for Brazil, Argentina, and England(who failed to qualify because they could not earn a tie at home against Croatia last fall). ESPN is showing every game on either ESPN, ESPN2(most are on here), and ESPN Classic. Each day belongs to one group the first 2 weeks meaning 2 games a day, one at 12 and the other at 2:45. Watch if you want to hear great fan support and even better soccer. This is how crazy they are about this tournament.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Blown game, must win next 2
As for the Belmont, I am a little glad Big Brown lost. Dutrow, besides being a consistent cheater, was an ass. He has been suspended every year he has trained because of illegal doping and insulted and made up stories about previous triple crown contenders. I love that karma came back and bit him in the ass. Pat Forde summarizes it very well here. Maybe now he will keep running and we can see him get beat again by Curlin in the Classic. Speaking of Curlin, he runs next Saturday at Churchill in the Stephen Foster Handicap. Should be fun to watch last years Horse of the Year return to the site of his disappointing third place at last years Derby. I don't think he gets third again.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Big win, looking for more
If Bronson can win tomorrow we should sweep because Harang and Volquez are not losing to the Marlins. Keep it rolling and hopefully we can see a triple crown tomorrow. Horse racing needs it badly even if it has to be that arrogant blowhard Rick Dutrow.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Out of Phily, headed to Florida
Quick note on Patterson and his defense:
I never said he was a bad fielder. As a purely ninth inning defensive replacement and pinch runner, he is alright. According to baseball-reference.com his Range Factor per nine innings is 2.85 while the league average is 2.69. That means he gets to .16 more balls per game. If he played every inning of ever game left he would make 16 more plays then the average CF. I'll let those fall in order to keep him out of the lineup.
O by the way, he has an OPS+ of 47. 100 is average. No defense could ever make up for that.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Live Blog of Patterson the Great's return
TOP 4: No on, 1 out. Myers is dealing. We need to work his pitch count so he can't go the entire game without giving up a hit. He needs to get tired so we can score. Work the count like Bruce did last time when he saw 6 pitches. Patterson swings AT THE FIRST PITCH! The second baseman never moves. Another great way to show Bruce what pitches Myers has. This is insane. I can do what he did; watch one pitch, swing at the next 2. #&@* the heck! Give me another shot.
TOP 6: No on, 2 out. Still no hits. Wait for your pitch or at least see 3 strikes. First pitch swinging. Lazy pop fly all the way to the shortstop. I have nothing else to say other than he is the worst player ever. I can barely stand up at this point. Another shot.
TOP 8: man on first and second, 1 out. Need to avoid the double play. Takes the first then fouls off 2. Now he can't bunt them over. That is what he should have done. He is going to get out anyway why not do what he is good at and advance the runners. Strike out on a pitch 3 feet down and away. The on deck batter dodged because it almost hit him. Good thing Patterson swung at it. I just threw up on the keyboard. Now I need a new r, s d, f e and c key. One more shot. Where did that dog go? My feet need a workout.
GAME OVER: Thanks to the 24 year old Joey Votto and Edinson Volquez, and no thanks to the terrible, 28 year old, .195 hitting Corey Patterson the Reds won 2-0. I am off to pass out. I think I have an inner ear infection because I keep running into things. O well I will deal with it tomorrow.
Patterson back, Boose drunk
UPDATE: Not only is Patterson starting in center but he is batting second. SECOND. Are you kidding me? Right in front of Bruce virtually guaranteeing that no one will be on when our hottest hitter comes to the plate. Dusty must be doing this now because if he did this in Cincy, Corey would be booed mercilessly. Dusty could easily start Janish at SS and Hairston in center, avoiding this totally, if not for Corey possessing pictures of Dusty and a bunch of tranny whores.
In honor of this display of immense stupidity by Dusty I will be LIVE blogging during Corey's ABs for all 10 people that read this. I know you are excited.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Another Loss
Now a thing about Philly fans. I hate them. I really do. It is not prejudice because I have known dozens of them and they are all obnoxious, mean, illogical fans. They have booed Santa Claus, Mike Schmidt, Dr. J, hometown boy Kobe Bryant when he won the MVP, Donovan McNabb on his draft day, any home team when they are losing at halftime or lose the game. They also cheer when opposing players leave on stretchers, throw batteries at opposing players, throw snow/iceballs at players, and even shot a flair gun during a game. They say they are just "passionate" but you can be passionate without hurting or humiliating other fans and teams. I guess they have reason to be mad with teams in the 4 major sports yet not winning a championship for 25 years. Cincinnati only has 2 major sports teams and they won one in 1990. New York and Boston, the two cities Philly fans wish they were, have combined for about 30. Ok, that may be too much but who cares. Philly still has 0. I just wish their fans would realize this and quit acting they their teams are the greatest and all others suck. There is a difference between obnoxious and passionate. Philly fans, learn the difference.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Sunday, June 01, 2008
So this Bruce guy is pretty good
Dusty is still trying to screw it up with double steals and squeeze bunts but it isn't working. The squeeze only worked because Hairston is good and got an offspeed pitch he could handle. If that had been a fastball, it would have been a disaster. Dusty also pulled Griffey early on Sunday ensuring he would not hit #600 at home. I know he was due up sixth in the bottom of the 8th but you have to leave him in just in case he comes back up rather than subbing him out and telling the fans they won't get to see history. Way to show appreciation to the fans who showed up all weekend waiting for the hometown boy to make history.
Now the Reds have four in Philly and four in Miami. Going 4-4 or better would be huge. We are getting close to catching Houston for third in the Central thanks to the Pirates taking the weekend off and Houston taking the week off. I foresee a 5-3 road trip with a 2-2 split in Philly and a 3-1 series win in Florida. Philly is winning a scoring a lot of runs but the Reds played them well earlier this year and should be able to win the 2 games with Harang and Volquez on the mound. Florida is struggling bad, losing 5 of their last 6. As long as Bruce is playing everyday and Patterson is nowhere near the team, I am optimistic.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Next Big Thing comes through again
It is going to take a big day from the offense to win today because Josh "Gopher Ball" Fogg is pitching. Let's hope Bruce gets his first homer and Griffey starts hitting some homers so the slow shuffle to 600 will finally end. I don't know if it will be enough.
Quick thought on the NBA finals. I don't know who to root for. Its either the LA rapist or the most obnoxious fans in the country. Tough call. I guess I will take the LA rapist just because I want to see Boston lose to NY and LA in the last two sports championship games. And other than the rapist, I don't have a problem with the Lakers. Luke Walton and Turiaf look goofy and happy just to be on the team. Better than anything on the Celtics. I will withhold my extended thoughts on Boston and its fan for another time but for now let's just say I will be pulling for the Lakers.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Harang tired, Thanks Dusty
Any Lost fans should read this recap. Explains a lot about the best episode of television since last year's Lost season finale.
Also, anyone looking to pay me back for writing this fabulous blog, I will accept payment in the form of this.
With Glavine, Jurrjens, and Hudson going this weekend, we will be lucky to get 2 of 3. Although with "The next big thing" playing everyday, we always have a chance. Let's hope for a sweep and a return to 1 game back of .500 heading into our 8 game road trip.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Harang tonight, Braves this weekend
Quick note on the Pirates: As bad as most fans think there team is and how they have been tortured, nothing compares to the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pirates have not had a winning season in more than 15 years. That is ridiculous. Not one winning year. Never even close to the playoffs. And this years team is awful with nothing in the farm system to get excited about. The fact that any fan would support that team is beyond me. Then again I supported the Bengals in the 90's so what do I know.
Happy Birthday to Jerry Hairston and the one and only #44 Eric Davis.
Reds win again, Bruce is human
Bruce seems to be fitting in nicely with the team. After a line drive to the gap in the middle innings, Bruce sprinted to it, tried a pop-up slide and grab the ball. It didn't work and he fumbled it a little but the runner did not advance beyond second, which is where he would have been even if he had made a clean play on the slide. After watching the rookie try so hard in a 7-1 game, Phillips started laughing and Griffey said something to him that had them both laughing. I think it is safe to say that he has energized the entire team and they are all having more fun with him out there. They were also joking with him a good bit in the pregame jog right before the national anthem. Very good vibes coming from this team ever since Dusty was suspended and they realized they didn't need him to win.
Hairston looks great at the top of the order. He works counts and finds holes. He is also stealing bases without being thrown out.
Not much of a crowd tonight. Less than 20K to see "The Next Big Thing." Hopefully after this weekend they will be above .500 and people will get excited again. I think this team will make a run and the city will rally around them.
More tomorrow but it sure was fun going to the game and watching the Reds lay it on the Pirates.harang should win tomorrow and give us a sweep. Bust out the brooms.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Hallelujah
I will be attending tonight's game in honor of this great day and will have a report when I get home tonight.
Sorry for the baseball exclusive posts recently, it has been a big week for the Reds. Anything you want me to cover besides how terrible Dusty is, let me know.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Great Day
Hopefully that will continue in Cincinnati this year.
Now Dusty will be tested. In spring training, Bruce was sent to AAA because they wanted him to play everyday rather than ride the bench in Cincinnati. They would not bring him up until he could play everyday in Cincinnati. Now he is up. Corey Patterson is still on the team. Will Dusty play the automatic out or the best prospect in baseball? I bet Patterson still plays because Dusty is a terrible manager.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Jorts or Jean Shorts
CUTOFFS

These are easy to make by cutting off the legs of jeans you no longer want. It also
allows the wearers to vary the length of the frays at the bottom. I prefer long frays because they blow in the wind and tickle your legs. The problem with cutoffs is they can't be worn to church or a state fair beauty pageant as formal jean shorts.
ROLLED LEGS

Great for a draft party in Mississippi. More formal then the frays and also bring the leg up to show off more skin. The white jean shorts are also a plus because they go well with pale white skin. These tell people you know you are wearing jean shorts but don't want to get any nice ones so I will just clean up my cutoffs.
CARPENTER

These are for the occasion when you are working with your hammer or drill and need some place to put it while I drink your beer. They can also be worn to a bar because they show chicks you are handy and they dig that. These are not quite formal but a step up from cutoffs.
FORMAL

These jean shorts say "I went to the store, tried these on, and they look good." The frays and rollups can be old jeans you cut off. These say I knew they were jean shorts and these are what I wanted. Can be worn to your best outdoor concert, church picnic, or photo shoots.
In sum, jean shorts are a wonderful creation and provide me with tons of entertainment. Whatever style you chose, just wear them with pride because you are telling the world you love denim, even if it makes me look ridiculous.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
NO DUSTY, REDS WIN!!!!!!
Unfortunately, the Reds management will probably allow Dusty back on the bench tonight, hurting our chance of taking the series. My only hope is that the team has learned he has no idea what he is doing and will continue doing what they have been doing the last few nights, taking what the pitcher gives them without worrying about 'old school baseball.' HIRE CHRIS SPIER, FIRE DUSTY BAKER!
Ok maybe not. Spier was the manager on Friday when our best player, Corey Patterson, tried stealing third with two outs. Every little kid knows you NEVER make the first or third out at third base. I mean EVERYONE knows that. Still, he tried to steal third with the heart of our order coming up and was thrown out, ending an inning when two men were on and two outs. A basehit scores a run whether he is at second or third. Terrible baseball by Patterson and everyday he is still on this team I get a little more crazy. Someone needs to find out what hypnotic effect he has on the Reds organization and how we can get rid of it so they can see what everyone else sees, HE IS AWFUL AT BASEBALL.
OK, let me calm down. Off-day tomorrow so I will give you an a post dedicated to everyone's favorite clothing item, jean shorts.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Steak talk, not Reds talk
UPDATE: Dusty has been suspended for two games because he made contact with the ump before getting tossed. Here comes a two game winning streak.
Now I want to talk a little about steak houses. i have been very fortunate recently to have been to four amazing steak houses: Bones in Atlanta, Peter Luger's in New York, and Pat's and Jeff Ruby's in Louisville. This is like going to Yankee Stadium, Fenway, Wrigley, and Camden yards within a month. Let me break them down in four categories: Food and Drink, Service, and Atmosphere and judge them on a scale of 1 to 10.
Bones
Food and Drink: The steak at Bones is cooked to perfection. The meat is of very high quality and they cook it to exact specification. My medium rare steak was pink on the inside but not bleeding and the fillet was tender and juicy. Side items were good, but not great. The potatoes tasted good but the veggies could have used more flavor. The wine list was phenomenal with plenty of both Red and White in varrying price ranges. SCORE: 9
Service: I have been to Bones three of four times and each time the service was phenomenal. The waiters know the menu and wine list and can give great advice on what to order. They stay out of the way when eating and talking but are always there if you need something. The water glasses were always food and plates were taken as soon as you signaled you were finished. Couldn't ask for anything more. SCORE: 10
Atmosphere: Bones is located in a building that looks small from the outside. Once in side you quickly realize that is far from the reality. There is a spacious bar and the dinging area has a two levels and multiple wings making enough room for plenty of tables. The lights are turned low and the large space allows room to move without feeling cramped. While they do a great job creating an upscale and elegant atmosphere, it sometimes feel like you must be on your best behavior at all times, which can be difficult after a few mint juleps. SCORE: 8.5
TOTAL SCORE: 27.5
Peter Luger's
Food and Drink: The specialty is steak. You order steak for the number of people and the steak comes out on a large plate. They precut it into smaller bites and you take as you wish from the serving plate. The side items are cooked and served family style which go well with the great meat. The restaurant is famous for its sauce with the steak which is excellent. Wine is affordable and very good. The steak was not the best meat but was cooked very well and served in a unique style that was great for me because I could eat as much as I wanted without anyone knowing I was eating more than my share. SCORE: 8.5
Service: Peter Luger's is famous for having rude service. I found this to be mostly a myth. I would not call it rude; I would call it aloof. The waters come by once for drinks. They return to take your meal order. They don't bother you with questions about the food or if there is anything else you would like. I actually liked this because no conversations were interrupted by questions about the wine. That being said, I little more interaction would have helped clear the table faster and receive more drinks when needed. The servers were not rude, they just stayed out of the way of dinner, sometimes a little too much. SCORE 8
Atmosphere: The restaurant was a little different from most steakhouses because it was a little brighter than most. The light's were turned up and made everything more visible. Accordingly, the atmosphere was more lively. It felt less formal and we could say anything we wanted without fear that it would upset the otherwise elegant atmosphere. I loved the way it was set up from lighting to the ample area around the tables. It also helps that I saw Uma Thurman eating there. SCORE 9.5
TOTAL SCORE: 26
Pat's
Food and Drink: The steak at Pat's was a little different than the others. The meat was of high quality but what really stood out was the seasoning. The flavor coming from the steak was distinct and very good. It was cooked to perfection and was the best tasting out of the four. The side items were good but not great. The wine list was very good with many options. The steak makes up for any deficiencies in the side items. SCORE 9.5
Service: Because it is a family owned steakhouse, the service was very good but nothing exceptional. The servers all seemed to know each other and handled anything that was needed with prompt service. The waiters knew the menu and were helpful when deciding between dressings and sides. They also accommodated a special request we made upon arrival. The service was very good and made for an enjoyable evening. SCORE 9
Atmosphere: The house the restaurant is in is very old and has many little coves and back rooms. The homely feel is accented by old decorations that seem a little out of place for a steakhouse. I think the inside could use a little update without reuining the feeling that you are eating a steak dinner at home. SCORE 8.5
TOTAL SCORE: 27
Jeff Ruby's
Food and Drink: Jeff Ruby's manages to combine the two key things I look for in a steak: well-cooked and great flavor. The steak was very tender and juicy inside. The seasoning also managed to create great flavor. The combination of the two made for one of the best pieces of meat I have ever eaten. Extensive wine list but few options for the lower budgets. SCORE 9
Service: The service never really wowed me. I felt like it was any other restaurant and never managed to sense anything special about the experience. The waiters did everything they were supposed to but did not make the evening any more special because of the service. SCORE 8
Atmosphere: The restaurant has a large dining area and is a wonderful place to eat. The lights are turned low but not too low to where you can't see anything. The decor is modern and gives a feel that you are eating a fancy dinner. If only the service made you feel the same way the atmosphere did. SCORE 8
TOTAL SCORE: 25
Well there it is. My review of four very good steakhouses. Bones is the bestwhich is how I thought it would be. Thanks for allowing me a quick diversion from the sinking Titanic known as the Cincinnati Reds.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Albert Pujols = Ty Cobb?
Ty Cobb was notorious for hurting people through dirty play. As a Reds fan, I hate Pu-holes mostly because he is good and can only hope that he is a bad person. I picture him as a cross between John Rocker and Jose Canseco, only not shitty at baseball. In reality, he is an amazing player and probably a great person. I just wish he would quit injuring people like Ty Cobb.
By the way, the Reds got swept in LA for the third year in a row. Now off to San Diego and hopefully not lose three. Patterson played again and we lost. He is awful. I am convinced he has pictures of Dusty with one of Ronaldo's tranny hookers. That is the only reason Dusty is playing him. He is certainly not playing because of his baseball "skills." Dusty must be fired now.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Another loss, change of subject
*VORP stands for Value of Replacement Player. The higher the number the better that player is than the average, bargain bin player.
Instead of dwelling on these horrible stats, let me move on to happier, off-topic things. Today is the day of the Champions League Soccer Final. The Champions League is a Soccer Tournament made up of the best teams from all over Europe. It is the most prestigious annual soccer tournament and the annual game is played much like the Super Bowl, in a predetermined major city. This year's game is in Moscow and pits two English teams, Manchester United and Chelsea. I have been fascinated in recent years with European soccer because of the passion. Manchester United is like the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Detroit Red Wings all mixed into one. Their coach was even knighted. That is the equivalent of our president awarding the highest civilian award to Joe Torre. I encourage people to watch because it is the best soccer game in the world and, while there aren't a ton of goals, the buildup to a goal is like nothing else. Also, once someone does score, the excitement is unparalleled. In between these goals there is constant chanting and cheering by the fans which is a lost art in American sports. Watch the excitement in that stadium and hope that one day it can be equaled in at least one American sport.
Johnny Cueto tonight. Hopefully he can lower that 5.75 ERA and Griffey can hit something other than a single. His slugging percentage is plummeting because all he does is hit singles. Hit 600 then hope we can trade him and call up Bruce. That would also entail Dusty started Bruce over Patterson which may be a problem but we will deal with that when the time comes.
Have a great Champions League Final Day and Go Chelsea.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Matt Belisle tonight, other thoughts
I cant wait.
Also, if Patterson starts again with his .226/.271/.403, greater steps need to be taken against Dusty. He OPS's .674. That is horrible and good enough for last among all Reds with more than 50 AB's.
Meanwhile, Jay Bruce is at .362/.392/.669 and OPS's 1.061. Boy am I glad he is in Louisville and Patterson is starting in CF. I don't care how bad Bruce's defense is in CF, we need hitters and he provides that.
Another great night last night for the Reds on the basebaths. Griffey is thrown out badly stretching a single to a double and Arroyo is thrown out tagging up to third on a flyball. Griffey would have scored on Phillips' triple and Arroyo would have been on second with the heart of the order coming up. Another blown game due to poor coaching.
Thanks Dusty. You have forced me to drink heavily.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Back in Business
INTRO:
First off let me state that I am a lifelong Reds fan of nearly 20 years. My first heroes were Eric Davis and Barry Larkin. I will always remember the All-Star game at Riverfront in 1988 and watching the Reds celebrate in Oakland in 1990. The playoffs in 1995 and the one game playoff in 1999 cut deep but provided me with winning baseball. Griffey coming home was a monumentus day for Cincinnati and all other small-market teams. I cherish these memories but fear they will get clouded with the current mismanagement of the Reds by Dusty Baker.
MISSION:
I will dedicate this blog to showing his inability to understand basic baseball knowledge as well as his refusal to adapt to the current state of baseball. His way of stubbornly giving away outs and loyalty to "old school baseball" make me crazy. He has shown throughout his career that he has one way of playing and that way has gone by the wayside. Clogging the bases is a term that makes no sense yet he continues to believe in. Men on base is a good thing. That is the goal of every batter. Dusty feels swinging the bat should be the goal of every batter and this leads to meaningless outs and wasted at bats. This leads to more losses for my beloved Reds and that is simply not a satisfactory result. HE MUST BE STOPPED. That is my mission, take it or leave it.
FORMAT:
While getting Dusty Baker as far away from Cincinnati is my main goal, I will also be posting about other baseball topics of interest. I read many other blogs online and have found that ones that cover many topics tend to be the best rather than ones focused on a single entity. In this vein, I will take inspiration from Joe Posnanski, Firejoemorgan.com, and others to keep things interesting while still focusing on Dusty himself.
CONCULSION:
I hope those reading this will understand that most of what is said should not be taken serious. It is a joke. Dusty Baker is a good man but not a good manager. Once my mission is complete he can return to ESPN or, god willing, take over in St. Louis and ruin the Cardinals.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Condolences to the City of Cincinnati

It looks like Christmas came a couple months early for the rest of the NL Central, as the Cincinnati Reds have signed Dusty Baker to a three-year contract. To MANAGE the team, in case that's not clear. Yes, the same Reds who are in the NL Central and who watched Dusty manage the Cubs. No, I'm not sure why yet. I guess they wanted a big name.
Go ahead and slide those black armbands all the way down to your wrists, Cincinnati.
Friday, October 13, 2006
MOVED
It's going to happen. Don't fight it.
Monday, October 02, 2006
It's Over, Johnny

It's been a long run, folks. A long, obnoxious, pointless waste of time, money, and energy. We've suffered through double switches galore, through Neifi Perez at leadoff, through any Enrique Wilson, through Tony Womack (twice!), through Jose Macias, and, most recently, through Freddie Bynum. We've watched our former heroes Mark Prior and Kerry Wood get reduced to brittle shambles of their former selves. We've watched a collapse of monumental proportions. We've broken televisions and radios. We've watched formerly great relievers (Latroy Hawkins, Mike Remlinger) misused, miscast, and discarded. We've wept. We've lived and died with the Cubs through four years of futility.
I remember, after the Cubs lost the NLCS in 2003, thinking that they had blown their chance. They wasted some brilliant playoff pitching (aside from Game 7 and the last 2 innings of Game 6) from Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. The Sosa game-tying homerun in Game 1. The Aramis grand slam off Dontrelle Willis. Hell, the Alex Gonzalez homer in Atlanta. Didn't even Doug Glanville's skeleton hit a triple in the playoffs? The Cubs seemed destined to win that year. How great would it have been? The three longest-suffering franchises in baseball would have broken their droughts 1-2-3, from 2003 through 2005. It would have been a story for the ages. But, in typical Cub fashion, they f@#$ed it up. A lot of fans blame Alex Gonzalez. Many blame the foul ball, Farnsworth, or even Prior. But, let's face it. No one was more blameworthy in 2003 than Dusty.
Dusty is the one who rode the young Zambrano all season, beating him into the ground to the point that he was pitching on fumes in the playoffs. Dusty was the one who left Prior in with a eleven run lead in the fifth inning of the Game 2 blowout of Florida (I screamed at you through my TV when Prior ran out for the 6th inning, Dusty, and I chugged a bottle of Pepto Bismal when he came out for the 7th). Dusty was the one who didn't go to Clement out of the bullpen at any point during the playoffs. Dusty was the one who made so many moronic decisions during the year that it took until the Saturday double header against the Pirates for the Cubs to clinch. Let's be honest. The division should have been wrapped up a week earlier, and our starters should have gotten the rest they so desperately needed (Why the f@#$ did he keep running Shawn Estes out there to get beat like a drum?).
And the worst part is that Dusty will make you feel like it's your fault for hating him for it. He'll say, "Aw, shucks, dude. I guess it's not in the cards." He'll sprinkle his magic powder, and he'll tell you that he had no one in the bullpen for Game 2. No one in the bullpen could hold a ten run lead for four innings, Dusty? You don't expect us to be stupid enough to believe that, right? Veres and Guthrie gave up a hit and a walk in their two innings of relief. You couldn't have stretched them out a little more?
Dusty would have you believe that it's Matt Clement's fault that he didn't pitch in the playoffs. He claims that he asked Clement if he wanted to pitch, and Clement said he didn't feel comfortable doing that. In Dusty's world, that makes it Clement's fault. Well, f@#$ you, Dusty. You're the manager of the ballclub. Act like it. It's not Clement's call. You know how you manage a club? You walk up to Matt Clement during the 3rd inning of Game 2 when it's already an 8-run rout and say, "Get your ass out of the dugout and down in the bullpen. You're going into this game. And make me a goddamn sandwich while you're down there. You know how I like it. Everyone who ate my crappy sandwich during that Subway promotion knows how I like it." And if Clement complains, kick his ass out of the dugout. You weren't there to make friends, Dusty. You were there to win, and you blew it. Clement should have been ready to go in Game 2 and, since you refused to bring him in then, he sure as hell should have been ready for Game 6 and 7. That's on you, Dusty. Not Matt Clement.
Your stupid loyalty to bad baseball players was staggering, Dusty. You kept trotting Shawn Estes out there, when everyone in Chicago knew that Juan Cruz was a better option. You let Mark Bellhorn rot on the bench so you could get at-bats to Lenny "I'm-the-all-time-leader-in-pinch-hits-because-everyone-but-Dusty-knows-I'm-not-good-enough-to-start" Harris. We should have wrapped up the division in the middle of the week, Dusty. And you should have rested Z, Prior, Wood, Clement, and your entire bullpen. Instead, you wore them down like dogs. Wood and Prior were heroic in the playoffs, and you wasted it.
Even this season, Dusty, you did nothing but make excuses. You blamed the injuries to your "horses." You blamed day games. It was everyone's fault but yours, Dusty. My parents taught me at a very young age to stand up and hold myself accountable for my mistakes, but you were never man enough to do that, and I don't think you ever will be.
I knew, lying in my bed the night of Game 7, that, as long as you were their manager, the Cubs would never get as close to the World Series as they had that night. Good riddance to you, Dusty. I hope someday you learn to hold yourself accountable for your own actions, but I'm glad that someday won't occur with you in a Cubs uniform.
Friday, September 29, 2006
The Four Year Kick to the Crotch is Almost Over
You've got our coin, Dusty, now get your kwan the f@#$ out of here.However, not even Jim Hendry can possibly be stupid enough to resign Dusty, right? The uproar would be outstanding. Therefore, I have compiled a dream list of coaches to take over the Cubs next year. They're available, Jim. Put down the cruller and make some phone calls.
- Manager, Joe Girardi. Jim is afraid of the smear campaign the Marlins are putting on Girardi. He's not afraid, however, of smearing butter on a Twinkie. He also didn't seem to care about the Nomar trashing that came out of Boston when he was unhappy there. Jim, of course he's not going to say anything nice about Girardi. He, unlike you, seems to understand public backlash. Girardi should be the runaway winner of NL Manager of the Year. Loria doesn't want to piss off the 12 remaining Marlins fans. That's also why he has never signed Neifi Perez, Jim. You dumbass. Second Choices: There are none. It's Girardi or bust. So help you, Jim, if you f@#$ing hire Lloyd McClendon.
- Pitching Coach, Greg Maddux. Maddux knows this organization is run by retarded drunks. He knows that the Cubs have little to no talent in the farm system. And he had to orchestrate his own trade just to get out of here. Why would he come back? Did you see him crying at his press conference when the Cubs resigned him in 2004? He loves the Cubs, like all of us masochists. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to see what he can do as a pitching coach in the same division as his brother Mike? Second Choices: Rick Kranitz has been in the organization before, and he's worked wonders with the young Marlins pitching staff. Mike Maddux is the most underrated pitching coach in baseball. Steve Stone is brilliant, but he's too arrogant to teach the game of baseball to the Cubs' pitchers.
- Hitting Coach, Ryne Sandberg. Some time after his career ended the second time, Sandberg learned to talk. And he hasn't shut up since. Can we put a bat in his hands, stand him in front of Matt Murton and Ryan Theriot and ask him, "Hey, Ryno? How did you develop that sweet swing, and how were you able to use it to hit the ball out of the park?" Let's face it. Ryno had one of the best swings the Cubs have seen in a long time, and I'd love to have him back. Second Choices: Andre Dawson, one of the scariest, nicest, best ballplayers to have played for the Cubs. Mark Grace, just to get him the hell out of the booth and away from the English language. Also, he knew how to take a walk, something this team lacks. Plus, I think the bad blood has mostly come to rest.
- Bench Coach, Don Zimmer. What the hell does a bench coach do, exactly? Seriously. Does Dick Pole work on Prior's posture when he's parked on the bench for 90% of the season? I guess we need a figurehead, though, so can we get Zimmer to come back? Second Choices: Who the hell cares? Let's see. Bill Murray? He'd keep the clubhouse light, that's for sure.
- First Base Coach, Billy Williams. Billy, get your ass out of the front office and back on the field where you belong. We'd have two of the sweetest swings in Cubs history on staff. Come back to us, Billy. Second Choices: Dusty Baker, just to humiliate him and to annoy him when guys actually get walks. Any of the guys who don't get the jobs above would do, too.
- Third Base Coach, Chris Speier. This is the only guy I'd keep from the current regime. He's aggressive without being Wendell Kim-stupid, and he is the only coach who cared enough to drink heavily because of this crap team. Second Choices: See, First Base Coach Choices.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
EDITORIAL: Fourteen Days of Dusty-Free Living
This is what it's come to, folks. I read. I read some silly novel called Reversible Errors, just because it was written by a guy from my hometown. But that's not the point. The point is that two weeks ago, Dusty Baker drove me to reading. I got to thinking, "Is this a good thing? Will the time I don't waste on the Cubs make me a better person?" To find the answer, I decided to stop watching the Cubs completely for two weeks. Let's explore what I did in that time in an effort to finally answer the question, "Do the Cubs sucking at everything make me suck at life, too?"
Entertainment:
Since I had my Dustorcism, I have watched the following movies and television shows (sponsored, in part, by Netflix):
- Life on Mars--If you're not watching this BBC show, start watching this show. It's about a cop in London who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. Is he dreaming the whole thing? Is he in a coma? Is he dead? Is he actually back in time? Anyhow, he's the guy in the white hat trying to change the Stone Age, crooked ways of the cops back in 1973. This is one of the best shows on television.
- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--I'm pissed I was invited to this party late. It's on FX, and it's absolutely brilliant. The characters are loveably evil, and Charlie may be my favorite comedic character of all time. The 50's-TV-style opening is juxtaposed against the shocking and hilarious content. Why aren't you watching this show right now?
- Peep Show, Series 1--An interesting British comedy that does a lot of shots from the perspective of the main characters (hence, "Peep Show"). Let's face it. It's not The Office, but it was enjoyable and had some very funny moments.
- Three Days of the Condor--Robert Redford, government conspiracy, and the American Dream of returning to work to find everyone in your office shot to death. Great movie.
- The Brady Bunch Movie--Okay, this was my wife's pick. I think if I was a bigger fan of the original show, I would have enjoyed it more. It was better than the Cubs, though, right?
- Castaway--I saw this one when it first came out in the theater, and couldn't remember whether I enjoyed it or not. I liked it better this time, because I'm getting to the point in my life when getting stranded on a desert island doesn't seem that unappealing. I'm also having my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow, so the scene where he knocks out his tooth with a skate blade sent shivers down the spine.
- The Descent--Saw this one in the theaters. Wow. I wasn't expecting the gore. There were some great jump moments, some truly disgusting scenes, and a lot of tension between the characters. It was interesting how the characters were fighting against both the cave and the creatures. For someone as claustrophobic as I am, it was tough to watch, but very good.
- Lost, Season 1, Disc 1--Just got this one last night from Netflix. I missed out on the Lost fever when it first spread. I can understand this story's appeal, despite the completely absurd plot holes and the writers' inability to remember what their own characters have said from scene to scene. Bizarre.
- Dead Rising (Xbox 360)--It's like playing Dawn of the Dead, and it's oh-so-sweet.
- NCAA Football (Xbox 360)--Notre Dame has already won one National Championship of many more to come.
- NCAA MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I picked this up to get in my baseball fix, as I finally came to the realization that MLB 2K6 completely sucks. It's a great game, as a non-MLB sequel to...
- MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I fired up a new season, and in keeping with the no-Cubs theme, I am using the Twins (my backup AL team). They are 5-2 so far, if you're wondering.
Health:
I have finally been able to run at a relatively consistent rate. I have dropped a couple of pounds, and last week I ran more (21 miles) than I had in the previous three weeks combined.
Social:
I have been able to pay more attention to my dog and wife, who both love me even more than they did before I gave up on the Cubs. My friends don't find me as bitter. My co-workers notice a little spring in my step. I've talked more to my family.
Religion:
I've been bad about going to Church, but have dragged myself out of bed the past two Sundays to practice my faith.
How does this all add up? To me, it looks like I'm a better person for having given up hope on the Cubs. I challenge anyone to give me a good reason not to give up on them before a pitch is thrown in 2007...
Friday, August 04, 2006
Hendry Ends Speculation About Future of Fire Dusty Baker!
"I'm tired of all the questions directed at me and the staff of 'Fire Dusty Baker!', so I want to assure you that 'Fire Dusty Baker!' will be here through the end of this season. At the end of the season, I will take a look at everything and decide where to go from there," Hendry said between bites of a jelly doughnut.
Rumors had swirled around "Fire Dusty Baker!" that it would be removed due to its incompetent writing, factually inaccurate stories, wild speculations, not-so-subtle insults, and lack of timely updates. The rumors were based largely on Hendry's statement before the All-Star Break that he would evaluate the site. This led many in the media to believe that Hendry would make a move soon after the break.
Hendry remained silent about the site's future until Friday. "Fire Dusty Baker!" suspects that it was difficult for Hendry to read the many articles on the site, as he usually mouths the words
he is reading, making it impossible for him to read and eat simultaneously.
Whatever the reason for the delay, the staff at "Fire Dusty Baker!" is pleased to serve its three loyal readers at least until the end of the 2006 season.
EDITORIAL--My Lungs to Hendry: "Save Us!"
I'm not a smoker, Jim. I'm not going to enjoy it. My hair, clothes, and breath will stink, my teeth will stain, my food will taste bland, and my wife will probably hate me. But none of it can be as bad as watching your stinky, bland team on the field, and hating them.
The Surgeon General has said smoking is bad for you, Jim. It may even kill me. But no more than your team is killing me right now.
So, Jim, do the right thing. If not for me, if not for the fans of the Cubs out there, for my pink and beautiful lungs. Save them, Jim, before they become black enough to play in a day game for your idiot manager.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Zambrano Defects to NL All-Star Team
Zambrano's decision came mere hours after the Cubs defeated Milwaukee to win the series with the Brewers three games to one, and to send the Cubs to their longest winning streak of the season: three games. "Now that we've won three games in a row, I think that Jim Hendry might re-sign Dusty Baker, and my arm just can't handle that."
Zambrano's right arm begged to differ. "I can handle that," Zambrano's right arm said. "If I can handle all the instant messaging he does, I can certainly handle throwing upwards of 250 pitches per start." Zambrano's left arm did not return phone messages left for it by Fire Dusty Baker!
Zambrano thinks that playing exclusively for the National League All-Star team will prolong his career. "When I went to the All-Star Game [in 2004], they only made me pitch an inning. Only one inning! I think that if I only have to pitch one inning per year, I can pitch for the next 4000 years. If I pitch for Dusty, I think I might reach that by September."
Cubs pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were amazed by Zambrano's lofty goals. "He wants to throw an inning? In one year? Like, three outs? 'Big Z' is a total workhorse," Prior said. "He's not going to bat, too, is he?" Prior asked.
Fire Dusty Baker! caught up to Wood, who was similarly amazed, in a brief period of lucidity between surgery-induced anesthesia highs. "I'm sure going to miss Carlos," Wood said. "He took a lot of pressure of the other starters by eating a lot of innings. Who are our starters again these days?" When Wood was informed that Glendon Rusch had taken the hill for the Cubs on Sunday, he slipped into a deep coma.
Zambrano is expected to pitch the fourth inning of Tuesday's All-Star game. His next appearance will be in July of 2007, two months ahead of Prior and Wood's next starts.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Bynum to Star in Platoon with Murton
Asked about the Platoon, Baker said, "Dude, you see Murton's hair? I send him out into the jungle against righties, and they're going to be aiming right for that red hair. That red hair is like a bullseye. When me and Hank Aaron used to play, we always used to point out how, if we saw a blonde guy, a brunette guy, and a redhead guy, we'd shoot the redhead guy first, because you know redheaded guys are dangerous. That's just the way it is, man. You know? I don't make the rules."
Cubs left fielder Matt Murton learns that he is now part of a Platoon with circus clown Freddie Bynum.Cubs shortstop Ronny Cedeno heard about the Platoon from Baker hours before it was announced to the press. "I wasn't too suprised. During batting practice today, Dusty asked me to wear a metal jacket and go deer hunting with him. I think he's been watching the Military Channel and is confused," Cedeno said.
When asked about the Cubs' recent struggles, Baker did indeed seem confused. "Man, it's like the apocalypse now out there the way we're losing games. You know? I wasn't just born on the fourth of July. I can see that we need to get better out there on the killing fields. I don't want to just be some casualty of war. You know? In 2003, we were soldiers, and we almost made it all the way to the top of that golden hamburger hill, but we lost our way in the fog of war. We have to wait for guys like Lee, Prior, and Wood to get back, because that's like calling in the green berets, you know?" Baker stated as he sat on a bus stop bench, fascinated with a passing feather.
Time will tell whether the Platoon will revive the struggling Cubs, or if they will continue to hit like the walking dead.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Cubs Eliminated from Playoff Contention
"Well, it's disappointing," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "When you look over at the other dugout and you see 25 guys all sitting there in uniform, it breaks your heart a little bit, dude."
The 2006 season was marred in its earliest stages after consecutive seasons in which the Cubs failed to make the playoffs due to the continued existence of teams like the Cardinals, Astros, San Diego Padres, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, and Boston Red Sox.
"You have to figure if the top eight or ten teams in the league for the past few years were wiped off the planet by some sort of supervirus that only affects outstanding athletes, that we would have probably made the playoffs the last two years as well as this year," Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said. "But as far as I know, there is no such virus, nor have there been any natural disasters localized to those teams' clubhouses, so we were eliminated a little early this year."
Neifi Perez hoped for elimination of the top teams as well. "You have to realize that if the top eight teams just vanished into the Bermuda Triangle, or something, that would eliminate 200 more players who are all better than I am. Cha-ching!"
News of the elimination inspired pitching coach Larry Rothschild to begin a strenuous and highly-dangerous rehabilitation progam for pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. "As soon as I heard we had been eliminated, I decided to put as much stress as possible on those guys' arms, just so they're extra-special ready for the 2007 season."
Details about Rothschild's new, unorthodox program were vague, but rumors circulated that both pitchers will be keelhauled, quartered, and then forced to serve for six months' time on an Arctic fishing boat.
"I had to put them on the fishing boat, because I just missed the signups for the heavyweight all-right-handed arm wrestling tournament," Rothschild said.
Neither Wood nor Prior could be reached for comment, as they were both at base jumping class.
News of the Cubs elimination reached the Cardinals players, as the fact that no one had died was posted on the Wrigley scoreboard before the game. "I'm sure it's disappointing for them," Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols said as he reacted to external stimuli. "There's not much left for them to play for," Pujols added, metabolizing.
"They have 159 games left after today's game, which would normally leave them plenty of time to catch up," Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said as he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. "But when you have three whole teams in front of you who are all still alive, you're pretty much stuck just playing out the rest of the season."
Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal declared three Cardinal players dead before the first pitch of the opener, but his diagnosis was proven incorrect when those three players were seen playing pepper and dividing cells.
"Those guys just have to hang in there now that they're eliminated," said Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen, clearly having a soul. "Teams get eliminated early sometimes, but you have to stay positive," he said as he grew slightly and played with his biological offspring.
"There's always next year."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Prior Traded for Tejada
Ramone plans to put the card in his display case next to his vibrating Leo Mazzone card. He says that he will leave five spaces open around it for Prior’s ‘Cy Young’ cards.”
When Ramone was asked if the Prior card was his favorite in his collection, he said, “It’s probably number two. You know that card where the guy has ‘@$#! FACE’ written on the bottom of his bat? It’s going to take one great card to beat that one.”
Billington was similarly happy with the acquisition. “Oh, yeah. I’m pumped about the trade,” Billington said. “At first, Phillip was asking for my Rich Hill rookie card, but I have that one in a hermeneutically-sealed safe in my attic. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to touch my Rich Hill, or Dicky Bump, as I like to call him.”
Fans of Billington’s collection were outraged at the trade. Billington’s father, Tom, when reached for comment, said, “That kid is retarded.”
Billington’s best friend, Mark Williams, was equally dismayed. “Man, I don’t know what that stupid [Billington] is thinking sometimes. Did you know he paid ten dollars for his fricking Glendon Rusch card? Ten dollars! He could have actually purchased the life of Neifi Perez for that!”
Billington has been known to be careless with his cards, as Williams explained, “Man, I found his Todd Walker mint condition rookie card sitting at the bottom of an old shoe box. Under some blankets. At the back of his closet. Which is at the bottom of the deepest, darkest part of
Cubs manager Dusty Baker, having nothing better to do in the offseason than lament the release of Jose Macias and look forward to the inevitable resigning of a 42-year-old Jose Macias, commented on the trade. “Dude, man, I used to collect baseball cards. You know what I used to do? I used to cut out my face from pictures and paste it on Hank [Aaron]’s card. Man, you ever eat paste? Boy, I put on a lot of pounds from eating paste.”
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Wood Throws 178 Pitches from Hospital Bed
Wood said that the difficult part of the outing was not pitching from a slight incline, as has hospital bed was mechanically raised so that Wood could read the signs from catcher Michael Barrett. "That wasn't too bad," said Wood. "The really hard part was throwing strikes from Evanston to Wrigley."

Wood was in good spirits after his 12-0, complete game victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles Wednesday.
Wood gave up six hits, three walks, and no runs in his nine-inning outing. The Cubs scored twelve runs for Wood in the first inning, but Baker decided to stick with Wood for the entire outing. "Woody's been the guy for us, you know?" Baker inquired. "Dude, I'd take a half-healthy Woody on his back pitching from Evanston over a lot of guys in the league. You know?"
Baker did not make a single call to the bullpen during the 12-0 blowout. Baker did, however, make one mound visit during the eighth inning, via the CTA Purple Line. He also called for Wood to drag bunt during every single one of Wood's at-bats, which Wood was helicoptered in to take. Wood succesfully reached first twice on the bunts, at which time Baker had him steal second and third base. "I guess I was a little tired out there. And I was a little sick from the helicopter rides. That's a bumpy ride! But, Dusty's the manager, and you have to stand behind his decisions," Wood grimaced. Standing behind Baker's decisions might be a good idea for Wood, as standing in front of Baker's train wreck of decision-making is far more dangerous.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Hollandsworth Traded for White Flag, Towel to Throw
The towel will be ceremonially tossed onto the field before each Cubs game for the rest of the year. The tosser of the towel will be selected from a group of people traditionally known, according to Vice President of Marketing, John McDonough, as "colossal losers." The first such towel-throwers will be the producers of the 2003 box office flop Gigli. Other notable throwers will be former Cubs Bill Buckner, Leon Durham, and Alex Gonzalez. Several phone calls made by the marketing department to Todd Hundley were not answered, although his voice mail indicated that he is in rehab.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
The Stupidity Event Horizon
The Stupidity Event Horizon occurred Friday afternoon. Baker, with regular third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list, started Nomar Garciaparra in Ramirez's place and used rookie Ronny Cedeno at shortstop. For those who are Ron Santo enough to keep score at home, the total number of shortstops on the field at that point was two. And then, the Stupidity Event Horizon occurred.
Baker managed, amazingly, to find a place for Neifi F. Perez in his lineup. With two regular shortstops on the field, Baker, not unlike life in Jurassic Park, found a way. At the exact point when Baker penciled Perez into the lineup, the Stupidity Event Horizon swallowed up any logical thought occurring within a ten-mile radius of Wrigley Field. Car accidents occurred, irrational business deals took place, and an unusual number of patrons attended the opening of The Cave.
"Fire Dusty Baker" will keep abreast of the development of this Stupidity Event Horizon, and will keep its readers informed as to what precautionary measures can be taken in case another such Stupidity Event Horizon occurs.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
The Official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game!
- Dusty puts in Hollandsworth as a late-inning defensive replacement--THREE DRINKS
- Even with Nomar available, Dusty finds a way to get Neifi F. Perez into the game--FIVE DRINKS
- Dusty says the word, "Dude"--ONE DRINK
- Dusty uses Jose F. Macias as the first pinch-hitter in a game--FIVE DRINKS
- Dusty forces a Cubs starter to throw more than 130 pitches in a meaningless game--FIVE DRINKS
- Dusty "argues" a close call by staring at the umpire's crotch and shaking his head, then clapping his hands together and walking back to the dugout--FIVE DRINKS
- Dusty actually starts one of the young players called up in September--TEN DRINKS
- Dusty uses one of the following cliches: "Battle through it," "It's a long season," or "These guys are playing hard"--FIVE DRINKS
- You are so drunk, you actually understand one of Dusty's interviews--THREE DRINKS
- Dusty makes a blatantly racist comment, but masks it with his own stupidity--TEN DRINKS
- Dusty puts in a righty reliever that can't get out righties, or a lefty reliever that can't get out lefties, or vice-versa--THREE DRINKS
- Dusty fails to get the bullpen up in time to avoid a big inning--THREE DRINKS
- Bob Brenly out-manages Dusty from the broadcast booth--FIVE DRINKS
- You actually wish that Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs instead of Dusty--TWO DRINKS
- Ron Santo calls Dusty "The fine manager of the Chicago Cubs"--FIVE DRINKS
- Darren sits on Dusty's lap during the post-game interview after a loss--THREE DRINKS
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Baker Gets Poster Deal




Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement
"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.
FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.
So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Idiot Turns Lineup Card Over to Moron
Cubs "manager" Dusty Baker, confused by the declaration, checked his employment contract and said, "Dude, I didn't see anywhere in there where I had to write the lineup. Man, it didn't even say I had to have a lineup. Dude, building a lineup is a lot like building a house, man. Did you ever build a house? Dude, you have to start by mixing your mortar. So, you got guys like Corey and Neifi [Perez], dude, that you just throw them in a big bucket with some water, and you stir them all up, and there you have your foundation for your house. You know what I'm saying, dude?" Without waiting for an answer, Baker continued, "Man, is doesn't matter who makes the lineup, as long as during the day you only let the brothers make up the lineup. You know? If Michael Barrett came up to me during the day and said he wanted to lead off, of course I wouldn't let him, man. That's the way the game is played. You see what I'm saying?"
Although Patterson has been declared a "five-tool" player, sources close to the Cubs have called Patterson simply "a tool." Jim Hendry, reached for comment about the circus-like atmosphere pervading the Cubs' clubhouse, simply said, "Dusty is sort of like my kids. Sometimes, you can't just tell them not to play with knives, you have to hide all the sharp knives in locked drawers in the highest cabinets. Also, you have to change their diapers a lot." Speculators speculated that Hendry's comments meant that he would be forced to trade Patterson to keep him out of Dusty's reach. Either that, or lock Patterson in a drawer where Dusty cannot reach him.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Baker Constructs Identical Lineup to Butcher, Candlestick Maker
"I stayed up pretty late and got pretty drunk last night, and I was just messing around with some lineups that would be really, really stupid. I figured Dusty had a young kid (Jon Koronka) pitching in his Major League debut, and I was trying to figure out how to put the worst possible lineup on the field so the kid wouldn't get any run support. It just came to me. Dude."
Masterson, the candlestick maker, had a different experience. "Well, I've never really watched baseball, and I haven't really heard of most of these guys, so I put together a lineup based on whose names I liked best, in order from most to least. Neifi. That name is funny!"
The identical lineups were as follows:
SS N. Perez
3B E. Wilson
1B D. Lee
RF J. Burnitz
2B T. Walker
CF C. Patterson
LF T. Hollandsworth
C M. Barrett
P J. Koronka
Baker, the butcher, and the candlestick maker all had different excuses for the poorly-constructed, yet identical lineup. "I was just stinking drunk," Carpenter slurred. "I don't think it's totally worn off yet, actually." Masterson cited his total lack of baseball knowledge and love of good names for the terrible lineup. "Michael Barrett? That name is just boring. He goes toward the bottom. And Koronka? That sounds like some sort of pachyderm. I mean, puh-lease!"
Baker, on the other hand, made his usual excuses. "Dude, man, of course you gotta put Enrique-ey in the two-hole. Have you seen his numbers against Lowe, dude? Sure, twenty-nine other teams didn't think Enrique-ey was worth a roster spot, but he's gonna have a big night. Just you watch, man. And Holly? Holly, man, dude, he's Holly. Sometimes you just gotta go with Holly because Holly reminds me of Christmas, dude, and who doesn't like Christmas? You find me a dude that doesn't like Christmas, and I'll find you a guy who hates Jesus. And Jesus, man. Jesus is all about rising from the dead, dude. You find another guy who rose from the dead who wasn't Jesus, man, and I'll put him in the lineup. Lazarus? Lazarus doesn't count, dude, because Lazarus didn't do it himself. You know what I'm saying? It was all Jesus, man. Jesus raised Lazarus, himself, you, and me. You know? Don't talk to me about Lazarus, dude."
Alive or dead, there must be a better option in the two-hole than Enrique Wilson.
Monday, May 23, 2005
APOLOGY ISSUED, DONATION MADE IN BAKER'S NAME
***Cancer has issued an official apology. It didn't know how much people really, truly wanted Dusty to die. While it remained strong in its stance on not taking the life of Dusty, it did express regret.
"I just wish I had known sooner. I could've offed him like THAT. Heck, I still could. The only problem is that, at this point, I've seen his work. The man is like a cancer himself. Me and my boy salmonella, our nickname for Dusty is "elbow cancer." The way he strikes seemingly healthy young men down in their primes reminds me of a young me."
***Cancer also made a donation to National Cancer Foundation or something like that (he wasn't really paying attention when he made out the check). However, being the fiendish non-entity that he is, Cancer did indeed have an ulterior motive. In making the donation in Dusty Baker's name, the intent was actually to create positive publicity for Baker, in the hopes of extending his career and allowing him to continue to take down promising young arms.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans
"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.

Cancer makes a rare appearance.
While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses
In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.
"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"
Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.

The final scoreboard from the match.
When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:
"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."
Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.
Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
LaTroy Hawkins Fails to Close Refrigerator Door

LaTroy's spoiled refrigerator, complete with flies and stink lines.
Hawkins has had a long past of failing to close, both ball games and doors. In 2001, LaTroy forgot to close his front door after retiring for the night, and a prowler let himself into the household, stealing thousands of dollars in valuables. In 2002, before going to sleep LaTroy not only forgot to check that his garage door was closed, but also forgot to close the door to his prized Mercedes Benz, which was promptly stolen. In 2004, LaTroy forgot to make sure his backdoor was closed before going to sleep, and his prized shih-tzu 'Alfonseca' exited through the door, and is still missing to this day.
"I just don't get it, man", said a depressed LaTroy. "It's the damndest thing. Whenever it's during the day, I never forget to close the door. In fact, I've developed quite the knack for it, and I should say I'm among the best in the world at doing it. But for whatever reason, when it's late at night, the pressure is on to make sure I close those doors before I go to bed. I simply can't get the job done. I don't know, man. I'm really good at doing it any other time, but when it's important, and my family needs me the most, I just go blank."

LaTroy angrily reacts when he realizes he left the door open all night.
Coincidentally (or not), LaTroy led the National League in blown saves in 2004, and in 2001 he lead the entire MLB.
LaTroy Hawkins's manager and landlord, Dusty Baker, was asked why he continually trusts Hawkins to close baseball games and to make sure all the doors in LaTroy's house are shut when he goes to bed.
"Dude, it's an odd situation. It's like when you're throwing a big barbecue where everyone's invited, man. You've got your steaks, your burgers, your hot dogs, your chicken, everything's delicious man, everyone loves the food and everything's going great. Next thing you know, the big boss shows up to the party, and he wants a steak cooked medium rare and a hot dog. Now, dude, this is your boss, so of course you're gonna try really hard to get the steak just perfect, and the dog extra plumpy and scrumptious. But next thing you know, the steak is too well done for his liking, the hot dog falls on the floor, your boss gets mad cow disease, and in a fit of rage from the mad cow disease he fires you and everyone you've ever loved. You know what I'm saying, dude?"
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary that LaTroy cannot close doors and ball games in important situations, Dusty remains steadfast in trusting LaTroy to close. The simple reason, of course, is that Dusty is very stupid, and needs to be fired immediately.
Cubs reliever Michael Wuertz has volunteered to close the doors for the Hawkins household, but Dusty nixed the idea, citing that Wuertz lacks the mental makeup to make sure all doors are shut. Wuertz was unavailable for comment, but he did release an official statement through his spokesman. I miss Iowa :-( was all it said.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Cubs, Baker Spiral Into Oblivion

Wormholes exist? Who knew!
Both the five-game losing streak and the rip in the space-time continuum were surprising to the team. "This team just has too much talent to endure too many five-game losing streaks," Cubs pitcher Mark Prior said. "Also, I didn't know that wormholes actually existed."
Neifi Perez, looking suspicious after the vortex opened, swallowing Dusty Baker and an entire box of toothpicks, had this to say. "Why are you looking at me? Is it because you assume that I've figured out some way to travel through time and to see the pitches that are going to be thrown to me, and that explains the way I've been hitting lately? Because that's just absurd! There's no way that . . . Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!"
Jim Hendry took the opportunity to sign the vortex as the new Cubs closer. "Well, we've seen so many leads disappear with Latroy [Hawkins] out there, I figure throwing out a vortex in the ninth inning couldn't be too much worse. I'm working on signing the vortex to an extension, and I'm also looking for a black hole that Dusty can play over Dubois when it's hot out."

