Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans

CHICAGO--In a rare physically visible appearance, Prostate Cancer apologized yesterday for claiming the lives of so many loving, caring, knowledgeable, and valuable human beings, while leaving Dusty Baker alive. Noted contributors to the human race claimed by Cancer are Don Ameche, Bill Bixby, Sir Alec Guiness, Johnny Ramone, Telly Savalas, and Frank Zappa. All of Cancer's famous victims had made the world a better place to live, which is exactly why Cancer did not claim Baker's life.

"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.

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Cancer makes a rare appearance.

While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.

17 comments:

Byron said...

Hmmm... I think this one is in poor taste.

Carl said...

Hahaha, I like it at least.

Nice work.

Hyman Rothschild said...

Little known fact: Dusty's holy water is laced with lycopene in order to stave off a potential battle with the adenocarcinoma crab. Plus he's not really at risk during the hot summer months. Keep up the good work.

Bad Kermit said...

No intent to offend, Byron. And I'd obviously never wish death on anyone. I just wish Obi-Wan was still alive.

Joseph E. Aiello said...

This is a terrible idea for a post. You've just lost a reader.

Tom said...

Calling for Baker's termination is one thing, as long as it is his JOB that is being advocated. If you want to know what true satire and humor looks like, read Die Hard Cub's Fun. As far as I have seen, they never ever go over the line. Pretty sad stuff here. And I was never a reader to begin with and I surely won't begin now. If I were Byron, I'd think there would be a court martial in your future from the Cubs Blog Army.

Billy Bishop said...

Bad kermit, how can that post not be intended to offend? You just wished death on someone who has a family. You should be ashamed of yourself. I agree with Joe Aiello, you should make an apology AND a donation to American Cancer Society in Dusty Baker's name.

Miss-Fantastick said...

Bad post. I'm with Joe, donate in Dusty's name.

Tommy, same here, I don't have Byron's "power," so to speak, but I suggest you all take the link down from your site. That's what I'm doing.

llcooljoe said...

I'm with the consesus of most of the people here. This one was pretty bad.

Anthony Odarczenko said...

It's very classless, I can only hope that Bad Kermit is fortunate enough to never get prostate cancer. As much as he has shown he has no class, I wouldn't wish that upon him. Because unlike him, I'm not that classless.

Bad Kermit said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bad Kermit said...

I understand no one who said they won't come back will read this, but I'm still not sure where exactly I said I wanted Dusty to die. Please reread the post with more objectivity, if you ever come back, which certainly you won't.

Call me classless all you like. That's your prerogative. And please, if you feel the need to take my blog off your list, do so. I just hope it's because you find the post in bad taste, not because you think I wish Dusty were dead. That's flat-out false.

My intent was to satirize the ridiculous, overreacting nature of Cubs fans. Nothing more. Nothing less. I can do nothing better than to apologize to those who found it offensive, as I already did. Again, that was not my intent and perhaps the post was not well-written enough to convey that sentiment.

atg said...

Wow. It's not often that I'll comment in response to a blog, but after reading the previous comments, I felt obliged.

Your post was obviously written in jest. I'm shocked to see how many people were offended.

As far as the actual post, I thought it was brilliant... better than a lot of articles written for the onion.

Don't be discouraged by people who are easily offended, there are enough people out there who appreciate true humor to compensate.

cubspunk said...

No, I don't really know what I am talking about most of the time, but if that offends you grow thicker freaking skin. You must have to ask yourself the reason for a satirical post such as that, is it a.) to put a voo doo curse on Dusty Baker to give him prostate cancer, b.) to make Hollandsworth not get more at bats, c.) to bring down the Catholic Church for giving Dusty Baker power over Holy Water, or d.) To be humorous.

I don't know if FDB is a big believer in Voo doo, but I will say that I believe that the post, while not in the best taste was funny and no worse than you would see on a good episode of SNL.

Josh said...

I thought it was very clever and funny. I don't wish death on anyone, except denkinger. Go Cards

Nevada_Cubbie said...

Yea, it was in bad taste...
insensitive...
vicious...
just damned rude...

It was also one of the funniest things I have ever read (I laughed so hard I coughed for an hour), and it shows just how damned desperate Cubs fans are in getting rid of Dirtbag Baker. Whether it's finally getting fired by "Spanky" Hendry or being taken out by a carcinogen, Dipshit needs to go.

Jeff said...

Now THAT was funny.