Idiot Turns Lineup Card Over to Moron

MILWAUKEE--Earlier this week, Rhodes Scholar Corey Patterson made a bid to earn himself a second paycheck by constructing a lineup for the Cubs in Milwaukee. Corey, in a move lauded by baseball experts as "ridiculous" and "silly," declared himself ready for taking over the leadoff hitting duties for the Cubs.

Cubs "manager" Dusty Baker, confused by the declaration, checked his employment contract and said, "Dude, I didn't see anywhere in there where I had to write the lineup. Man, it didn't even say I had to have a lineup. Dude, building a lineup is a lot like building a house, man. Did you ever build a house? Dude, you have to start by mixing your mortar. So, you got guys like Corey and Neifi [Perez], dude, that you just throw them in a big bucket with some water, and you stir them all up, and there you have your foundation for your house. You know what I'm saying, dude?" Without waiting for an answer, Baker continued, "Man, is doesn't matter who makes the lineup, as long as during the day you only let the brothers make up the lineup. You know? If Michael Barrett came up to me during the day and said he wanted to lead off, of course I wouldn't let him, man. That's the way the game is played. You see what I'm saying?"

Although Patterson has been declared a "five-tool" player, sources close to the Cubs have called Patterson simply "a tool." Jim Hendry, reached for comment about the circus-like atmosphere pervading the Cubs' clubhouse, simply said, "Dusty is sort of like my kids. Sometimes, you can't just tell them not to play with knives, you have to hide all the sharp knives in locked drawers in the highest cabinets. Also, you have to change their diapers a lot." Speculators speculated that Hendry's comments meant that he would be forced to trade Patterson to keep him out of Dusty's reach. Either that, or lock Patterson in a drawer where Dusty cannot reach him.