Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Baker Constructs Identical Lineup to Butcher, Candlestick Maker

LOS ANGELES--Cubs manager Dusty Baker was suprised to discover that he constructed the exact same lineup as that constructed by local butcher, Mitch Carpenter. Baker was even more shocked to learn that the same lineup had been triplicated by Tom Masterson, a candlestick maker living in the Wrigleyville area. When Mitch Carpenter heard Baker's Wednesday night lineup announced, he immediately contacted "Fire Dusty Baker!" to announce his identical lineup.

"I stayed up pretty late and got pretty drunk last night, and I was just messing around with some lineups that would be really, really stupid. I figured Dusty had a young kid (Jon Koronka) pitching in his Major League debut, and I was trying to figure out how to put the worst possible lineup on the field so the kid wouldn't get any run support. It just came to me. Dude."

Masterson, the candlestick maker, had a different experience. "Well, I've never really watched baseball, and I haven't really heard of most of these guys, so I put together a lineup based on whose names I liked best, in order from most to least. Neifi. That name is funny!"

The identical lineups were as follows:

SS N. Perez
3B E. Wilson
1B D. Lee
RF J. Burnitz
2B T. Walker
CF C. Patterson
LF T. Hollandsworth
C M. Barrett
P J. Koronka

Baker, the butcher, and the candlestick maker all had different excuses for the poorly-constructed, yet identical lineup. "I was just stinking drunk," Carpenter slurred. "I don't think it's totally worn off yet, actually." Masterson cited his total lack of baseball knowledge and love of good names for the terrible lineup. "Michael Barrett? That name is just boring. He goes toward the bottom. And Koronka? That sounds like some sort of pachyderm. I mean, puh-lease!"

Baker, on the other hand, made his usual excuses. "Dude, man, of course you gotta put Enrique-ey in the two-hole. Have you seen his numbers against Lowe, dude? Sure, twenty-nine other teams didn't think Enrique-ey was worth a roster spot, but he's gonna have a big night. Just you watch, man. And Holly? Holly, man, dude, he's Holly. Sometimes you just gotta go with Holly because Holly reminds me of Christmas, dude, and who doesn't like Christmas? You find me a dude that doesn't like Christmas, and I'll find you a guy who hates Jesus. And Jesus, man. Jesus is all about rising from the dead, dude. You find another guy who rose from the dead who wasn't Jesus, man, and I'll put him in the lineup. Lazarus? Lazarus doesn't count, dude, because Lazarus didn't do it himself. You know what I'm saying? It was all Jesus, man. Jesus raised Lazarus, himself, you, and me. You know? Don't talk to me about Lazarus, dude."

Alive or dead, there must be a better option in the two-hole than Enrique Wilson.

1 comment:

Carl said...

My mother is a candlestick maker, you insensitive son of a bitch! Please remove this post and make a donation to the candlestick fund immediately.

Sincerely,
Humorless Douche