Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses

In a move that shocked the gaming world, but made Cubs fans roll their eyes, Dusty Baker replaced Jason Dubois with Todd Hollandsworth late in a Halo 2 team slayer match, ultimately causing Dusty's team to lose.

In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.

"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"

Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.

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The final scoreboard from the match.

When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:

"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."

Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.

Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.


Navin said...

Hahah, that's awesome.

Keep up the good work, Carl, Johnny and Bad Kermit.

Dave said...

So I'm guessing that either Cheapmule or Alamo are Dubois, and I'm fucking Hollandsworth, thanks a lot guys hehe