Cubs Eliminated from Playoff Contention

CHICAGO--Friday's 2006 home opener for the Chicago Cubs was soured by the news that the Cubs had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The news came after the entire 25-man rosters of the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers, and Houston Astros all survived the opening week of the season without dying.

"Well, it's disappointing," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "When you look over at the other dugout and you see 25 guys all sitting there in uniform, it breaks your heart a little bit, dude."

The 2006 season was marred in its earliest stages after consecutive seasons in which the Cubs failed to make the playoffs due to the continued existence of teams like the Cardinals, Astros, San Diego Padres, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, and Boston Red Sox.

"You have to figure if the top eight or ten teams in the league for the past few years were wiped off the planet by some sort of supervirus that only affects outstanding athletes, that we would have probably made the playoffs the last two years as well as this year," Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said. "But as far as I know, there is no such virus, nor have there been any natural disasters localized to those teams' clubhouses, so we were eliminated a little early this year."

Neifi Perez hoped for elimination of the top teams as well. "You have to realize that if the top eight teams just vanished into the Bermuda Triangle, or something, that would eliminate 200 more players who are all better than I am. Cha-ching!"

News of the elimination inspired pitching coach Larry Rothschild to begin a strenuous and highly-dangerous rehabilitation progam for pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. "As soon as I heard we had been eliminated, I decided to put as much stress as possible on those guys' arms, just so they're extra-special ready for the 2007 season."

Details about Rothschild's new, unorthodox program were vague, but rumors circulated that both pitchers will be keelhauled, quartered, and then forced to serve for six months' time on an Arctic fishing boat.

"I had to put them on the fishing boat, because I just missed the signups for the heavyweight all-right-handed arm wrestling tournament," Rothschild said.

Neither Wood nor Prior could be reached for comment, as they were both at base jumping class.

News of the Cubs elimination reached the Cardinals players, as the fact that no one had died was posted on the Wrigley scoreboard before the game. "I'm sure it's disappointing for them," Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols said as he reacted to external stimuli. "There's not much left for them to play for," Pujols added, metabolizing.

"They have 159 games left after today's game, which would normally leave them plenty of time to catch up," Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said as he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. "But when you have three whole teams in front of you who are all still alive, you're pretty much stuck just playing out the rest of the season."

Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal declared three Cardinal players dead before the first pitch of the opener, but his diagnosis was proven incorrect when those three players were seen playing pepper and dividing cells.

"Those guys just have to hang in there now that they're eliminated," said Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen, clearly having a soul. "Teams get eliminated early sometimes, but you have to stay positive," he said as he grew slightly and played with his biological offspring.

"There's always next year."

Prior Traded for Tejada

CHICAGO—A much-publicized trade rumor finally came to fruition Friday when ten-year-old Jason Billington of Evanston, Illinois traded his near-mint condition Topps 2002 Mark Prior rookie card to twelve-year-old Baltimore resident, Phillip Ramone. Billington received in exchange a faded and dog-eared Miguel Tejada 2005 Studio Portraits Donruss Zenith card. Rumors swirled that the card may have also had a coffee stain on the back of it.

Said Ramone of the trade, “Since I started my collection, I’ve been going down my list of cards saying, ‘Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him.’ Every time I get to Prior, though, I had to say, ‘Need him.’ It bugged me that he was a ‘need him.’”

Ramone plans to put the card in his display case next to his vibrating Leo Mazzone card. He says that he will leave five spaces open around it for Prior’s ‘Cy Young’ cards.”

When Ramone was asked if the Prior card was his favorite in his collection, he said, “It’s probably number two. You know that card where the guy has ‘@$#! FACE’ written on the bottom of his bat? It’s going to take one great card to beat that one.”

Billington was similarly happy with the acquisition. “Oh, yeah. I’m pumped about the trade,” Billington said. “At first, Phillip was asking for my Rich Hill rookie card, but I have that one in a hermeneutically-sealed safe in my attic. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to touch my Rich Hill, or Dicky Bump, as I like to call him.”

Fans of Billington’s collection were outraged at the trade. Billington’s father, Tom, when reached for comment, said, “That kid is retarded.”

Billington’s best friend, Mark Williams, was equally dismayed. “Man, I don’t know what that stupid [Billington] is thinking sometimes. Did you know he paid ten dollars for his fricking Glendon Rusch card? Ten dollars! He could have actually purchased the life of Neifi Perez for that!”

Billington has been known to be careless with his cards, as Williams explained, “Man, I found his Todd Walker mint condition rookie card sitting at the bottom of an old shoe box. Under some blankets. At the back of his closet. Which is at the bottom of the deepest, darkest part of Lake Michigan.”

Cubs manager Dusty Baker, having nothing better to do in the offseason than lament the release of Jose Macias and look forward to the inevitable resigning of a 42-year-old Jose Macias, commented on the trade. “Dude, man, I used to collect baseball cards. You know what I used to do? I used to cut out my face from pictures and paste it on Hank [Aaron]’s card. Man, you ever eat paste? Boy, I put on a lot of pounds from eating paste.”

Does Dusty still have his collection? “Well, man, I ruined most of my cards of black players. They got all faded from leaving them out in the sun for too long.”

Wood Throws 178 Pitches from Hospital Bed

EVANSTON--Fearing that he wasn't getting enough production from his right-handed fireballer, Dusty Baker decided on Wednesday to have Kerry Wood start on three days rest from his hospital bed in the recovery ward of Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Wood, having had arthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder the day before, was in uniform when "Fire Dusty Baker!" caught up to him. Catching up was not difficult, as Wood was under strict orders from his doctor to move as little as possible, or to at least ice his shoulder after his 178-pitch outing.

Wood said that the difficult part of the outing was not pitching from a slight incline, as has hospital bed was mechanically raised so that Wood could read the signs from catcher Michael Barrett. "That wasn't too bad," said Wood. "The really hard part was throwing strikes from Evanston to Wrigley."


Wood was in good spirits after his 12-0, complete game victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles Wednesday.

Wood gave up six hits, three walks, and no runs in his nine-inning outing. The Cubs scored twelve runs for Wood in the first inning, but Baker decided to stick with Wood for the entire outing. "Woody's been the guy for us, you know?" Baker inquired. "Dude, I'd take a half-healthy Woody on his back pitching from Evanston over a lot of guys in the league. You know?"

Baker did not make a single call to the bullpen during the 12-0 blowout. Baker did, however, make one mound visit during the eighth inning, via the CTA Purple Line. He also called for Wood to drag bunt during every single one of Wood's at-bats, which Wood was helicoptered in to take. Wood succesfully reached first twice on the bunts, at which time Baker had him steal second and third base. "I guess I was a little tired out there. And I was a little sick from the helicopter rides. That's a bumpy ride! But, Dusty's the manager, and you have to stand behind his decisions," Wood grimaced. Standing behind Baker's decisions might be a good idea for Wood, as standing in front of Baker's train wreck of decision-making is far more dangerous.

Hollandsworth Traded for White Flag, Towel to Throw

CHICAGO--During the Cubs' 9-6 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry traded Todd Hollandsworth to the Atlanta Braves for a white flag and a towel. Cubs manager Dusty Baker plans to start the white flag in left field rather than rookie Matt Murton.

The towel will be ceremonially tossed onto the field before each Cubs game for the rest of the year. The tosser of the towel will be selected from a group of people traditionally known, according to Vice President of Marketing, John McDonough, as "colossal losers." The first such towel-throwers will be the producers of the 2003 box office flop Gigli. Other notable throwers will be former Cubs Bill Buckner, Leon Durham, and Alex Gonzalez. Several phone calls made by the marketing department to Todd Hundley were not answered, although his voice mail indicated that he is in rehab.

The Stupidity Event Horizon

CHICAGO--Cubs fans in Chicago were amazed to discover Friday that Dusty Baker, manager of the Chicago Cubs, had finally reached the Stupidity Event Horizon, the point at which no rational thought can resist the draw of Baker's amazing stupidity.

The Stupidity Event Horizon occurred Friday afternoon. Baker, with regular third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list, started Nomar Garciaparra in Ramirez's place and used rookie Ronny Cedeno at shortstop. For those who are Ron Santo enough to keep score at home, the total number of shortstops on the field at that point was two. And then, the Stupidity Event Horizon occurred.

Baker managed, amazingly, to find a place for Neifi F. Perez in his lineup. With two regular shortstops on the field, Baker, not unlike life in Jurassic Park, found a way. At the exact point when Baker penciled Perez into the lineup, the Stupidity Event Horizon swallowed up any logical thought occurring within a ten-mile radius of Wrigley Field. Car accidents occurred, irrational business deals took place, and an unusual number of patrons attended the opening of The Cave.

"Fire Dusty Baker" will keep abreast of the development of this Stupidity Event Horizon, and will keep its readers informed as to what precautionary measures can be taken in case another such Stupidity Event Horizon occurs.

The Official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game!

CHICAGO--With the 2005 season all but officially over, and with Cubs fans around the world tearing out their hair and rending their garments, lamenting another wasted season, we here at "Fire Dusty Baker!" took a different approach. We now devote our time to playing the official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game! The rules are as follows:

1. Dusty puts in Hollandsworth as a late-inning defensive replacement--THREE DRINKS
2. Even with Nomar available, Dusty finds a way to get Neifi F. Perez into the game--FIVE DRINKS
3. Dusty says the word, "Dude"--ONE DRINK
4. Dusty uses Jose F. Macias as the first pinch-hitter in a game--FIVE DRINKS
5. Dusty forces a Cubs starter to throw more than 130 pitches in a meaningless game--FIVE DRINKS
6. Dusty "argues" a close call by staring at the umpire's crotch and shaking his head, then clapping his hands together and walking back to the dugout--FIVE DRINKS
7. Dusty actually starts one of the young players called up in September--TEN DRINKS
8. Dusty uses one of the following cliches: "Battle through it," "It's a long season," or "These guys are playing hard"--FIVE DRINKS
9. You are so drunk, you actually understand one of Dusty's interviews--THREE DRINKS
10. Dusty makes a blatantly racist comment, but masks it with his own stupidity--TEN DRINKS
11. Dusty puts in a righty reliever that can't get out righties, or a lefty reliever that can't get out lefties, or vice-versa--THREE DRINKS
12. Dusty fails to get the bullpen up in time to avoid a big inning--THREE DRINKS
13. Bob Brenly out-manages Dusty from the broadcast booth--FIVE DRINKS
14. You actually wish that Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs instead of Dusty--TWO DRINKS
    
15. Ron Santo calls Dusty "The fine manager of the Chicago Cubs"--FIVE DRINKS
16. Darren sits on Dusty's lap during the post-game interview after a loss--THREE DRINKS
    

Enjoy!

Baker Gets Poster Deal

CHICAGO--Why was Dusty Baker smiling after the Cubs dropped their seventh straight game with a lackluster 8-3 loss to the Cincinatti Reds? "Fire Dusty Baker" initially suspected that the reason behind Baker's smiling visage was a fool's innocence. Upon asking sources close to Baker, though, "Fire Dusty Baker" learned that Baker recently signed a four-year motivational poster deal. Though the posters will not be released until 2006, "Fire Dusty Baker" got a sneak peek at the release-date posters. Enjoy.

Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement

CHICAGO--They say there are "unwritten rules" in baseball. Unless you're Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, or David Ortiz, you don't stand in the batter's box for 20 minutes after hitting a homerun. Unless you're Steve Kline, you don't throw at a guy's head. Unless you're Dusty Baker, you don't start Neifi Perez. But when did it become a rule that Todd Hollandsworth has to play at least two innings a game?

"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.

FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.

So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.

Idiot Turns Lineup Card Over to Moron

MILWAUKEE--Earlier this week, Rhodes Scholar Corey Patterson made a bid to earn himself a second paycheck by constructing a lineup for the Cubs in Milwaukee. Corey, in a move lauded by baseball experts as "ridiculous" and "silly," declared himself ready for taking over the leadoff hitting duties for the Cubs.

Cubs "manager" Dusty Baker, confused by the declaration, checked his employment contract and said, "Dude, I didn't see anywhere in there where I had to write the lineup. Man, it didn't even say I had to have a lineup. Dude, building a lineup is a lot like building a house, man. Did you ever build a house? Dude, you have to start by mixing your mortar. So, you got guys like Corey and Neifi [Perez], dude, that you just throw them in a big bucket with some water, and you stir them all up, and there you have your foundation for your house. You know what I'm saying, dude?" Without waiting for an answer, Baker continued, "Man, is doesn't matter who makes the lineup, as long as during the day you only let the brothers make up the lineup. You know? If Michael Barrett came up to me during the day and said he wanted to lead off, of course I wouldn't let him, man. That's the way the game is played. You see what I'm saying?"

Although Patterson has been declared a "five-tool" player, sources close to the Cubs have called Patterson simply "a tool." Jim Hendry, reached for comment about the circus-like atmosphere pervading the Cubs' clubhouse, simply said, "Dusty is sort of like my kids. Sometimes, you can't just tell them not to play with knives, you have to hide all the sharp knives in locked drawers in the highest cabinets. Also, you have to change their diapers a lot." Speculators speculated that Hendry's comments meant that he would be forced to trade Patterson to keep him out of Dusty's reach. Either that, or lock Patterson in a drawer where Dusty cannot reach him.

Baker Constructs Identical Lineup to Butcher, Candlestick Maker

LOS ANGELES--Cubs manager Dusty Baker was suprised to discover that he constructed the exact same lineup as that constructed by local butcher, Mitch Carpenter. Baker was even more shocked to learn that the same lineup had been triplicated by Tom Masterson, a candlestick maker living in the Wrigleyville area. When Mitch Carpenter heard Baker's Wednesday night lineup announced, he immediately contacted "Fire Dusty Baker!" to announce his identical lineup.

"I stayed up pretty late and got pretty drunk last night, and I was just messing around with some lineups that would be really, really stupid. I figured Dusty had a young kid (Jon Koronka) pitching in his Major League debut, and I was trying to figure out how to put the worst possible lineup on the field so the kid wouldn't get any run support. It just came to me. Dude."

Masterson, the candlestick maker, had a different experience. "Well, I've never really watched baseball, and I haven't really heard of most of these guys, so I put together a lineup based on whose names I liked best, in order from most to least. Neifi. That name is funny!"

The identical lineups were as follows:

SS N. Perez
3B E. Wilson
1B D. Lee
RF J. Burnitz
2B T. Walker
CF C. Patterson
LF T. Hollandsworth
C M. Barrett
P J. Koronka

Baker, the butcher, and the candlestick maker all had different excuses for the poorly-constructed, yet identical lineup. "I was just stinking drunk," Carpenter slurred. "I don't think it's totally worn off yet, actually." Masterson cited his total lack of baseball knowledge and love of good names for the terrible lineup. "Michael Barrett? That name is just boring. He goes toward the bottom. And Koronka? That sounds like some sort of pachyderm. I mean, puh-lease!"

Baker, on the other hand, made his usual excuses. "Dude, man, of course you gotta put Enrique-ey in the two-hole. Have you seen his numbers against Lowe, dude? Sure, twenty-nine other teams didn't think Enrique-ey was worth a roster spot, but he's gonna have a big night. Just you watch, man. And Holly? Holly, man, dude, he's Holly. Sometimes you just gotta go with Holly because Holly reminds me of Christmas, dude, and who doesn't like Christmas? You find me a dude that doesn't like Christmas, and I'll find you a guy who hates Jesus. And Jesus, man. Jesus is all about rising from the dead, dude. You find another guy who rose from the dead who wasn't Jesus, man, and I'll put him in the lineup. Lazarus? Lazarus doesn't count, dude, because Lazarus didn't do it himself. You know what I'm saying? It was all Jesus, man. Jesus raised Lazarus, himself, you, and me. You know? Don't talk to me about Lazarus, dude."

Alive or dead, there must be a better option in the two-hole than Enrique Wilson.

APOLOGY ISSUED, DONATION MADE IN BAKER'S NAME

After reading through the comments following the last post, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong and that something needed to be done. In response to the situation, the following actions have been taken.

***Cancer has issued an official apology. It didn't know how much people really, truly wanted Dusty to die. While it remained strong in its stance on not taking the life of Dusty, it did express regret.

"I just wish I had known sooner. I could've offed him like THAT. Heck, I still could. The only problem is that, at this point, I've seen his work. The man is like a cancer himself. Me and my boy salmonella, our nickname for Dusty is "elbow cancer." The way he strikes seemingly healthy young men down in their primes reminds me of a young me."

***Cancer also made a donation to National Cancer Foundation or something like that (he wasn't really paying attention when he made out the check). However, being the fiendish non-entity that he is, Cancer did indeed have an ulterior motive. In making the donation in Dusty Baker's name, the intent was actually to create positive publicity for Baker, in the hopes of extending his career and allowing him to continue to take down promising young arms.

Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans

CHICAGO--In a rare physically visible appearance, Prostate Cancer apologized yesterday for claiming the lives of so many loving, caring, knowledgeable, and valuable human beings, while leaving Dusty Baker alive. Noted contributors to the human race claimed by Cancer are Don Ameche, Bill Bixby, Sir Alec Guiness, Johnny Ramone, Telly Savalas, and Frank Zappa. All of Cancer's famous victims had made the world a better place to live, which is exactly why Cancer did not claim Baker's life.

"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.


Cancer makes a rare appearance.

While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.

Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses

In a move that shocked the gaming world, but made Cubs fans roll their eyes, Dusty Baker replaced Jason Dubois with Todd Hollandsworth late in a Halo 2 team slayer match, ultimately causing Dusty's team to lose.

In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.

"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"

Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.


The final scoreboard from the match.

When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:

"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."

Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.

Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.

LaTroy Hawkins Fails to Close Refrigerator Door

Gary, Indiana-- In a stunning example of the baseball world meeting the real world, LaTroy Hawkins failed to close his refrigerator door after a midnight snack, causing the spoilage of an estimated $75 worth of food.


LaTroy's spoiled refrigerator, complete with flies and stink lines.

Hawkins has had a long past of failing to close, both ball games and doors. In 2001, LaTroy forgot to close his front door after retiring for the night, and a prowler let himself into the household, stealing thousands of dollars in valuables. In 2002, before going to sleep LaTroy not only forgot to check that his garage door was closed, but also forgot to close the door to his prized Mercedes Benz, which was promptly stolen. In 2004, LaTroy forgot to make sure his backdoor was closed before going to sleep, and his prized shih-tzu 'Alfonseca' exited through the door, and is still missing to this day.

"I just don't get it, man", said a depressed LaTroy. "It's the damndest thing. Whenever it's during the day, I never forget to close the door. In fact, I've developed quite the knack for it, and I should say I'm among the best in the world at doing it. But for whatever reason, when it's late at night, the pressure is on to make sure I close those doors before I go to bed. I simply can't get the job done. I don't know, man. I'm really good at doing it any other time, but when it's important, and my family needs me the most, I just go blank."


LaTroy angrily reacts when he realizes he left the door open all night.

Coincidentally (or not), LaTroy led the National League in blown saves in 2004, and in 2001 he lead the entire MLB.

LaTroy Hawkins's manager and landlord, Dusty Baker, was asked why he continually trusts Hawkins to close baseball games and to make sure all the doors in LaTroy's house are shut when he goes to bed.

"Dude, it's an odd situation. It's like when you're throwing a big barbecue where everyone's invited, man. You've got your steaks, your burgers, your hot dogs, your chicken, everything's delicious man, everyone loves the food and everything's going great. Next thing you know, the big boss shows up to the party, and he wants a steak cooked medium rare and a hot dog. Now, dude, this is your boss, so of course you're gonna try really hard to get the steak just perfect, and the dog extra plumpy and scrumptious. But next thing you know, the steak is too well done for his liking, the hot dog falls on the floor, your boss gets mad cow disease, and in a fit of rage from the mad cow disease he fires you and everyone you've ever loved. You know what I'm saying, dude?"

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary that LaTroy cannot close doors and ball games in important situations, Dusty remains steadfast in trusting LaTroy to close. The simple reason, of course, is that Dusty is very stupid, and needs to be fired immediately.

Cubs reliever Michael Wuertz has volunteered to close the doors for the Hawkins household, but Dusty nixed the idea, citing that Wuertz lacks the mental makeup to make sure all doors are shut. Wuertz was unavailable for comment, but he did release an official statement through his spokesman. I miss Iowa :-( was all it said.

Cubs, Baker Spiral Into Oblivion

MILWAUKEE--The Cubs spiraled farther down the ladder of contenders in the NL Central as they had their first five-game losing streak of the season, dropping the last two to the Houston Astros and getting swept by the powerhouse Milwaukee Brewers. At the exact same time, Dusty Baker spiraled into a vortex that opened in the Cubs visiting dugout during the series in Milwaukee.


Wormholes exist? Who knew!

Both the five-game losing streak and the rip in the space-time continuum were surprising to the team. "This team just has too much talent to endure too many five-game losing streaks," Cubs pitcher Mark Prior said. "Also, I didn't know that wormholes actually existed."

Neifi Perez, looking suspicious after the vortex opened, swallowing Dusty Baker and an entire box of toothpicks, had this to say. "Why are you looking at me? Is it because you assume that I've figured out some way to travel through time and to see the pitches that are going to be thrown to me, and that explains the way I've been hitting lately? Because that's just absurd! There's no way that . . . Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!"

Jim Hendry took the opportunity to sign the vortex as the new Cubs closer. "Well, we've seen so many leads disappear with Latroy [Hawkins] out there, I figure throwing out a vortex in the ninth inning couldn't be too much worse. I'm working on signing the vortex to an extension, and I'm also looking for a black hole that Dusty can play over Dubois when it's hot out."

Benedict Excommunicates Dusty Baker in First Official Move as Pope

VATICAN CITY-In a surprising first move as the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI excommunicated Dusty Baker from the Catholic Church. When questioned about the move, Benedict said, "The Lord spoke to me in a vision. The Lord asked me, 'Why? Why would a man pinch hit for my son, Jason Dubois, who was two for three with a double and an RBI, for Jose Macias, a creature I put on the earth destined to crawl on his belly for all of his days?' I said to the Lord, 'Lord, what should I do?' The Lord answered, 'Rid my Church of his voodoo ways and his silly managing. And tell him to give me back my holy water.'"


Dusty gets excommunicated as old friend Wendell Kim looks on.

The very next morning, Benedict excommunicated Baker. Aside from the Lord's holy decree, Benedict also cited God-fearing and long-suffering Cubs fans for his choice to excommunicate Baker. "These people have suffered for so many years. I felt that I had to do something. Since I am powerless to excommunicate him from Chicago, I took the next best step."

Benedict had some other holy words for Baker. "What I say is infallible, so get this through your fat head. Macias sucks and Remlinger can't get out lefties."

UGGGGGGH

I'm too furious to even make this funny or satirical.

Just when I thought Dusty couldn't even get dumber, he astonishes me yet again today. Jason Dubois is having a great game, probably the only bat worth a damn. Jason is due up, and a right-hander is pitching. Dusty, having read Baseball for Dummies by Joe Morgan, knows that right-handed hitter vs. right-handed pitcher = bad news. So Dusty, in his infinite wisdom, replaces the hot bat of Dubois, with the bat of the worst hitter in Major League Baseball, Jose Macias.


By dummies, for dummies.

Now, while this is going on, Lloyd McClendon (a dumbass manager in his own right), has a left-hander warming up in the pen. So common sense dictates that if Dusty replaces Dubois with a lefty (or in this case, a switch-hitter who sucks ass no matter which way he hits), that McClendon is just going to trot out a left-handed pitcher. Which is what exactly happens. End result, of course, Macias grounds out on the 1st pitch, and Dubois and Cubs fans cry.


"Don't worry about me skip! I'll suck ass no matter what the situation!"

So even going the traditional route, Dusty is a dumbass. But that's not the point. The point is that it's moronic to even bench Dubois in the first place. Dubois is a very good hitter. Dubois CAN hit right-handed pitching. He's proven that in his minor-league career. Why Dusty refuses to let this guy see right-handed pitching is mind-boggling. Dubois's left-handed platoon partner, the inferior Todd Hollandsworth, gets to see all the left-handed pitching his heart desires, even though Dubois, a lefty-killer, is anxiously waiting on the bench to win the game for his beloved Cubbies. But no, since Hollandsworth is 'proven', he's allowed to face lefties.

Such moronic nonsense.

And that's not even bringing up Dusty continuing to trot out LaTroy Hawkins for those important 1-run saves.

FIRE. DUSTY. BAKER.

Walker destroys Remmy, so let's put him in!

8/18 .444/.565/.722 1 HR (now 2). Those were Walker's numbers against Remmy. So what does Dusty do? He takes out Wuertz, who was cruising, and replaces him with a pitcher who has consistently struggled against lefties his whole career, and has especially struggled against Larry Walker. Absolutely mind-boggling. Well, it's not actually. See, Remlinger is a lefty, and so is Larry Walker! Nevermind the fact that looking at Larry's 3 year splits, he hasn't exactly struggled against left-handed pitching. And never mind the fact that it's known by everyone else in the universe that Remlinger gets right-handers out more effectively than left-handers. Statistics don't prove shit! 100 years of baseball tradition is the only way to go. Well, not the only way to go. Darren Baker's paper fortune teller has been Dusty's crutch for the extra-tough decisions that he's been forced to make.


Darren's homemade fortune teller, which guides Dusty's moronic decisions.

It's going to be a long, long, season...

Dusty responsible for injury to Nomar

In a terrible miscalculation, Dusty Baker drank his injury-healing Holy Water before the Chicago Cubs - St. Louis Cardinals game, potentially costing Baker's Cubs a chance at the playoffs.

Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra injured his groin while hitting a grounder off of Cardinals pitcher Jeff Suppan. Immediately after swinging, Nomar collapsed and appeared to be in a world of pain.

Nomar made news before the game because of a telephone conversation with bench coach Dick Pole, where he told Pole to relay a message to Dusty to bat him lower. Garciaparra claims there was more to the conversation.

"I told Dick to make sure Dusty saves some of that Holy Water for me. I saw that it worked wonders for Mark Prior. I was willing to try anything at that point, but I guess it doesn't fuckin' matter now, eh?", Garciappara stated with a sarcastic tone.

Pole hurried to get the word to Dusty, but it was too late. Dusty had already consumed the half-bottle of Holy Water the night before, in celebration of the election of the new Pope.

"Dude, man, like I've said before, I ain't no Catholic, so I ain't hip to the Catholic traditions. I was under the impression that the period of time between when the Pope dies, and a new Pope was elected, Holy Water was to be used for strictly healing purposes, dude. So during that time, I used it to heal Prior's arm, and I spread it on Neifi's bat to temporarily turn him into Ernie Banks. Of course, since we have a new Pope, those powers wore off. It's like when you're going duck hunting, dude. You can use the duck whistles and the duck cologne to attract the ducks all you want, but eventually all that wears off. You'll have to turn to the old fashioned duck attracting substance, known as simple white bread. Of course, when it's hot and sunny out, one shouldn't use the white bread, the pumpernickel bread handles the sun a lot better, and generally delivers a higher quality duck....", rambled Dusty. Dusty continued to ramble for another 20 minutes, intertwining such subjects as boxing, whale watching, and rhythmic gymnastics.


Dusty reacts to being told by an umpire that the new Pope did not play Cliff Claven on Cheers.

The recent Dusty-induced Nomar injury only heightens the tension that the intelligent Cubs fan has with Mr. Baker. If any positive can come of this tragic event, it's that this will only help kick Dusty's sorry ass out of Chicago just a tad bit quicker.

Dusty to Install Heaters so Bullpen is Perpetually "Warmed Up"

In an unprecedented move, Dusty Baker is going to add nuclear heaters to the Cubs bullpen at Wrigley Field, and will carry portable versions of the heaters to the bullpens of opposing ballparks. Dusty has been criticized for many of his moves, but Cubs fans everywhere are praising this innovation by Dusty.


The Cubs' new bullpen heater


"Well, Dusty has no concept of getting his bullpen loose before he actually needs it, so this move will keep his relievers in a constant state of 'warm-uppedness,'" Cubs GM Jim Hendry said. "If only I could find a pen for his lineup card that was incapable of writing the letters 'M,' 'A,' 'C,' 'I,' and 'S.'"

Dusty worked up a sketch of the heater all by himself! "Dude, man. The thing just came to me in a daydream I had when I was walking my dog one day in my fishing buddy's boat. I just started gettin' to thinking about life and how life couldn't survive without heat and I started thinking how we need heat to live and how we needed a bullpen last year to make it into the post season, and I just thought that the two went together," Dusty rambled.


Somehow, scientists managed to come up with a workable prototype for the heater from Dusty's sketch.

Cubs starter Mark Prior applauded the move, but was upset that the idea hadn't occurred to Dusty before the infamous 2003 NLCS. "Where the hell were these heaters for Game Two, man? Damn. We were up 12-2 when he sent me back out there. Couldn't he have warmed up a bat boy or something?"

Dusty's next venture? Installing feces-proof sheets in his bed for every time he craps it when the Cubs have a late-inning lead.