APOLOGY ISSUED, DONATION MADE IN BAKER'S NAME

After reading through the comments following the last post, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong and that something needed to be done. In response to the situation, the following actions have been taken.

***Cancer has issued an official apology. It didn't know how much people really, truly wanted Dusty to die. While it remained strong in its stance on not taking the life of Dusty, it did express regret.

"I just wish I had known sooner. I could've offed him like THAT. Heck, I still could. The only problem is that, at this point, I've seen his work. The man is like a cancer himself. Me and my boy salmonella, our nickname for Dusty is "elbow cancer." The way he strikes seemingly healthy young men down in their primes reminds me of a young me."

***Cancer also made a donation to National Cancer Foundation or something like that (he wasn't really paying attention when he made out the check). However, being the fiendish non-entity that he is, Cancer did indeed have an ulterior motive. In making the donation in Dusty Baker's name, the intent was actually to create positive publicity for Baker, in the hopes of extending his career and allowing him to continue to take down promising young arms.

Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans

CHICAGO--In a rare physically visible appearance, Prostate Cancer apologized yesterday for claiming the lives of so many loving, caring, knowledgeable, and valuable human beings, while leaving Dusty Baker alive. Noted contributors to the human race claimed by Cancer are Don Ameche, Bill Bixby, Sir Alec Guiness, Johnny Ramone, Telly Savalas, and Frank Zappa. All of Cancer's famous victims had made the world a better place to live, which is exactly why Cancer did not claim Baker's life.

"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.


Cancer makes a rare appearance.

While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.

Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses

In a move that shocked the gaming world, but made Cubs fans roll their eyes, Dusty Baker replaced Jason Dubois with Todd Hollandsworth late in a Halo 2 team slayer match, ultimately causing Dusty's team to lose.

In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.

"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"

Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.


The final scoreboard from the match.

When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:

"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."

Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.

Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.

LaTroy Hawkins Fails to Close Refrigerator Door

Gary, Indiana-- In a stunning example of the baseball world meeting the real world, LaTroy Hawkins failed to close his refrigerator door after a midnight snack, causing the spoilage of an estimated $75 worth of food.


LaTroy's spoiled refrigerator, complete with flies and stink lines.

Hawkins has had a long past of failing to close, both ball games and doors. In 2001, LaTroy forgot to close his front door after retiring for the night, and a prowler let himself into the household, stealing thousands of dollars in valuables. In 2002, before going to sleep LaTroy not only forgot to check that his garage door was closed, but also forgot to close the door to his prized Mercedes Benz, which was promptly stolen. In 2004, LaTroy forgot to make sure his backdoor was closed before going to sleep, and his prized shih-tzu 'Alfonseca' exited through the door, and is still missing to this day.

"I just don't get it, man", said a depressed LaTroy. "It's the damndest thing. Whenever it's during the day, I never forget to close the door. In fact, I've developed quite the knack for it, and I should say I'm among the best in the world at doing it. But for whatever reason, when it's late at night, the pressure is on to make sure I close those doors before I go to bed. I simply can't get the job done. I don't know, man. I'm really good at doing it any other time, but when it's important, and my family needs me the most, I just go blank."


LaTroy angrily reacts when he realizes he left the door open all night.

Coincidentally (or not), LaTroy led the National League in blown saves in 2004, and in 2001 he lead the entire MLB.

LaTroy Hawkins's manager and landlord, Dusty Baker, was asked why he continually trusts Hawkins to close baseball games and to make sure all the doors in LaTroy's house are shut when he goes to bed.

"Dude, it's an odd situation. It's like when you're throwing a big barbecue where everyone's invited, man. You've got your steaks, your burgers, your hot dogs, your chicken, everything's delicious man, everyone loves the food and everything's going great. Next thing you know, the big boss shows up to the party, and he wants a steak cooked medium rare and a hot dog. Now, dude, this is your boss, so of course you're gonna try really hard to get the steak just perfect, and the dog extra plumpy and scrumptious. But next thing you know, the steak is too well done for his liking, the hot dog falls on the floor, your boss gets mad cow disease, and in a fit of rage from the mad cow disease he fires you and everyone you've ever loved. You know what I'm saying, dude?"

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary that LaTroy cannot close doors and ball games in important situations, Dusty remains steadfast in trusting LaTroy to close. The simple reason, of course, is that Dusty is very stupid, and needs to be fired immediately.

Cubs reliever Michael Wuertz has volunteered to close the doors for the Hawkins household, but Dusty nixed the idea, citing that Wuertz lacks the mental makeup to make sure all doors are shut. Wuertz was unavailable for comment, but he did release an official statement through his spokesman. I miss Iowa :-( was all it said.

Cubs, Baker Spiral Into Oblivion

MILWAUKEE--The Cubs spiraled farther down the ladder of contenders in the NL Central as they had their first five-game losing streak of the season, dropping the last two to the Houston Astros and getting swept by the powerhouse Milwaukee Brewers. At the exact same time, Dusty Baker spiraled into a vortex that opened in the Cubs visiting dugout during the series in Milwaukee.


Wormholes exist? Who knew!

Both the five-game losing streak and the rip in the space-time continuum were surprising to the team. "This team just has too much talent to endure too many five-game losing streaks," Cubs pitcher Mark Prior said. "Also, I didn't know that wormholes actually existed."

Neifi Perez, looking suspicious after the vortex opened, swallowing Dusty Baker and an entire box of toothpicks, had this to say. "Why are you looking at me? Is it because you assume that I've figured out some way to travel through time and to see the pitches that are going to be thrown to me, and that explains the way I've been hitting lately? Because that's just absurd! There's no way that . . . Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!"

Jim Hendry took the opportunity to sign the vortex as the new Cubs closer. "Well, we've seen so many leads disappear with Latroy [Hawkins] out there, I figure throwing out a vortex in the ninth inning couldn't be too much worse. I'm working on signing the vortex to an extension, and I'm also looking for a black hole that Dusty can play over Dubois when it's hot out."

Benedict Excommunicates Dusty Baker in First Official Move as Pope

VATICAN CITY-In a surprising first move as the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI excommunicated Dusty Baker from the Catholic Church. When questioned about the move, Benedict said, "The Lord spoke to me in a vision. The Lord asked me, 'Why? Why would a man pinch hit for my son, Jason Dubois, who was two for three with a double and an RBI, for Jose Macias, a creature I put on the earth destined to crawl on his belly for all of his days?' I said to the Lord, 'Lord, what should I do?' The Lord answered, 'Rid my Church of his voodoo ways and his silly managing. And tell him to give me back my holy water.'"


Dusty gets excommunicated as old friend Wendell Kim looks on.

The very next morning, Benedict excommunicated Baker. Aside from the Lord's holy decree, Benedict also cited God-fearing and long-suffering Cubs fans for his choice to excommunicate Baker. "These people have suffered for so many years. I felt that I had to do something. Since I am powerless to excommunicate him from Chicago, I took the next best step."

Benedict had some other holy words for Baker. "What I say is infallible, so get this through your fat head. Macias sucks and Remlinger can't get out lefties."

UGGGGGGH

I'm too furious to even make this funny or satirical.

Just when I thought Dusty couldn't even get dumber, he astonishes me yet again today. Jason Dubois is having a great game, probably the only bat worth a damn. Jason is due up, and a right-hander is pitching. Dusty, having read Baseball for Dummies by Joe Morgan, knows that right-handed hitter vs. right-handed pitcher = bad news. So Dusty, in his infinite wisdom, replaces the hot bat of Dubois, with the bat of the worst hitter in Major League Baseball, Jose Macias.


By dummies, for dummies.

Now, while this is going on, Lloyd McClendon (a dumbass manager in his own right), has a left-hander warming up in the pen. So common sense dictates that if Dusty replaces Dubois with a lefty (or in this case, a switch-hitter who sucks ass no matter which way he hits), that McClendon is just going to trot out a left-handed pitcher. Which is what exactly happens. End result, of course, Macias grounds out on the 1st pitch, and Dubois and Cubs fans cry.


"Don't worry about me skip! I'll suck ass no matter what the situation!"

So even going the traditional route, Dusty is a dumbass. But that's not the point. The point is that it's moronic to even bench Dubois in the first place. Dubois is a very good hitter. Dubois CAN hit right-handed pitching. He's proven that in his minor-league career. Why Dusty refuses to let this guy see right-handed pitching is mind-boggling. Dubois's left-handed platoon partner, the inferior Todd Hollandsworth, gets to see all the left-handed pitching his heart desires, even though Dubois, a lefty-killer, is anxiously waiting on the bench to win the game for his beloved Cubbies. But no, since Hollandsworth is 'proven', he's allowed to face lefties.

Such moronic nonsense.

And that's not even bringing up Dusty continuing to trot out LaTroy Hawkins for those important 1-run saves.

FIRE. DUSTY. BAKER.

Walker destroys Remmy, so let's put him in!

8/18 .444/.565/.722 1 HR (now 2). Those were Walker's numbers against Remmy. So what does Dusty do? He takes out Wuertz, who was cruising, and replaces him with a pitcher who has consistently struggled against lefties his whole career, and has especially struggled against Larry Walker. Absolutely mind-boggling. Well, it's not actually. See, Remlinger is a lefty, and so is Larry Walker! Nevermind the fact that looking at Larry's 3 year splits, he hasn't exactly struggled against left-handed pitching. And never mind the fact that it's known by everyone else in the universe that Remlinger gets right-handers out more effectively than left-handers. Statistics don't prove shit! 100 years of baseball tradition is the only way to go. Well, not the only way to go. Darren Baker's paper fortune teller has been Dusty's crutch for the extra-tough decisions that he's been forced to make.


Darren's homemade fortune teller, which guides Dusty's moronic decisions.

It's going to be a long, long, season...

Dusty responsible for injury to Nomar

In a terrible miscalculation, Dusty Baker drank his injury-healing Holy Water before the Chicago Cubs - St. Louis Cardinals game, potentially costing Baker's Cubs a chance at the playoffs.

Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra injured his groin while hitting a grounder off of Cardinals pitcher Jeff Suppan. Immediately after swinging, Nomar collapsed and appeared to be in a world of pain.

Nomar made news before the game because of a telephone conversation with bench coach Dick Pole, where he told Pole to relay a message to Dusty to bat him lower. Garciaparra claims there was more to the conversation.

"I told Dick to make sure Dusty saves some of that Holy Water for me. I saw that it worked wonders for Mark Prior. I was willing to try anything at that point, but I guess it doesn't fuckin' matter now, eh?", Garciappara stated with a sarcastic tone.

Pole hurried to get the word to Dusty, but it was too late. Dusty had already consumed the half-bottle of Holy Water the night before, in celebration of the election of the new Pope.

"Dude, man, like I've said before, I ain't no Catholic, so I ain't hip to the Catholic traditions. I was under the impression that the period of time between when the Pope dies, and a new Pope was elected, Holy Water was to be used for strictly healing purposes, dude. So during that time, I used it to heal Prior's arm, and I spread it on Neifi's bat to temporarily turn him into Ernie Banks. Of course, since we have a new Pope, those powers wore off. It's like when you're going duck hunting, dude. You can use the duck whistles and the duck cologne to attract the ducks all you want, but eventually all that wears off. You'll have to turn to the old fashioned duck attracting substance, known as simple white bread. Of course, when it's hot and sunny out, one shouldn't use the white bread, the pumpernickel bread handles the sun a lot better, and generally delivers a higher quality duck....", rambled Dusty. Dusty continued to ramble for another 20 minutes, intertwining such subjects as boxing, whale watching, and rhythmic gymnastics.


Dusty reacts to being told by an umpire that the new Pope did not play Cliff Claven on Cheers.

The recent Dusty-induced Nomar injury only heightens the tension that the intelligent Cubs fan has with Mr. Baker. If any positive can come of this tragic event, it's that this will only help kick Dusty's sorry ass out of Chicago just a tad bit quicker.

Dusty to Install Heaters so Bullpen is Perpetually "Warmed Up"

In an unprecedented move, Dusty Baker is going to add nuclear heaters to the Cubs bullpen at Wrigley Field, and will carry portable versions of the heaters to the bullpens of opposing ballparks. Dusty has been criticized for many of his moves, but Cubs fans everywhere are praising this innovation by Dusty.


The Cubs' new bullpen heater


"Well, Dusty has no concept of getting his bullpen loose before he actually needs it, so this move will keep his relievers in a constant state of 'warm-uppedness,'" Cubs GM Jim Hendry said. "If only I could find a pen for his lineup card that was incapable of writing the letters 'M,' 'A,' 'C,' 'I,' and 'S.'"

Dusty worked up a sketch of the heater all by himself! "Dude, man. The thing just came to me in a daydream I had when I was walking my dog one day in my fishing buddy's boat. I just started gettin' to thinking about life and how life couldn't survive without heat and I started thinking how we need heat to live and how we needed a bullpen last year to make it into the post season, and I just thought that the two went together," Dusty rambled.


Somehow, scientists managed to come up with a workable prototype for the heater from Dusty's sketch.

Cubs starter Mark Prior applauded the move, but was upset that the idea hadn't occurred to Dusty before the infamous 2003 NLCS. "Where the hell were these heaters for Game Two, man? Damn. We were up 12-2 when he sent me back out there. Couldn't he have warmed up a bat boy or something?"

Dusty's next venture? Installing feces-proof sheets in his bed for every time he craps it when the Cubs have a late-inning lead.

Dusty Doesn't Screw Things up for Twenty-Three Hours!

In a record-setting day yesterday, Dusty Baker almost made it through an entire day without messing anything up. The Cubs had an off day, so Dusty was unable to concoct his usual hair-brained lineups for an entire day.

At the twenty-third hour of Dusty's stupidity-free day, though, he inadvertantly set off his smoke alarm by burning two pieces of whole wheat bread in the toaster. The toaster incident prevented Dusty from completing the perfect day, although the twenty-three hours shattered his previous record of not doing anything stupid by fifteen hours. The previous eight-hour record had been set as Dusty slept from 11:28 p.m. to 7:30 a.m. on August 12, 2001.


The offending toast

When asked for comment, Dusty's wife, Melissa, said, "Dusty was upset with himself for not completing the perfect day. He's always had such a difficult time with the appliances, especially the ones that use electricity."

"Fire Dusty Baker!" tried to reach Dusty for comment, but we could not hear what he was saying. We believe that he was trying to listen through the microphone part of his phone and talk into the earpiece part.

WANTED: FOR ACTS OF EXTREME STUPIDITY