Idiot Turns Lineup Card Over to Moron

MILWAUKEE--Earlier this week, Rhodes Scholar Corey Patterson made a bid to earn himself a second paycheck by constructing a lineup for the Cubs in Milwaukee. Corey, in a move lauded by baseball experts as "ridiculous" and "silly," declared himself ready for taking over the leadoff hitting duties for the Cubs.

Cubs "manager" Dusty Baker, confused by the declaration, checked his employment contract and said, "Dude, I didn't see anywhere in there where I had to write the lineup. Man, it didn't even say I had to have a lineup. Dude, building a lineup is a lot like building a house, man. Did you ever build a house? Dude, you have to start by mixing your mortar. So, you got guys like Corey and Neifi [Perez], dude, that you just throw them in a big bucket with some water, and you stir them all up, and there you have your foundation for your house. You know what I'm saying, dude?" Without waiting for an answer, Baker continued, "Man, is doesn't matter who makes the lineup, as long as during the day you only let the brothers make up the lineup. You know? If Michael Barrett came up to me during the day and said he wanted to lead off, of course I wouldn't let him, man. That's the way the game is played. You see what I'm saying?"

Although Patterson has been declared a "five-tool" player, sources close to the Cubs have called Patterson simply "a tool." Jim Hendry, reached for comment about the circus-like atmosphere pervading the Cubs' clubhouse, simply said, "Dusty is sort of like my kids. Sometimes, you can't just tell them not to play with knives, you have to hide all the sharp knives in locked drawers in the highest cabinets. Also, you have to change their diapers a lot." Speculators speculated that Hendry's comments meant that he would be forced to trade Patterson to keep him out of Dusty's reach. Either that, or lock Patterson in a drawer where Dusty cannot reach him.

Baker Constructs Identical Lineup to Butcher, Candlestick Maker

LOS ANGELES--Cubs manager Dusty Baker was suprised to discover that he constructed the exact same lineup as that constructed by local butcher, Mitch Carpenter. Baker was even more shocked to learn that the same lineup had been triplicated by Tom Masterson, a candlestick maker living in the Wrigleyville area. When Mitch Carpenter heard Baker's Wednesday night lineup announced, he immediately contacted "Fire Dusty Baker!" to announce his identical lineup.

"I stayed up pretty late and got pretty drunk last night, and I was just messing around with some lineups that would be really, really stupid. I figured Dusty had a young kid (Jon Koronka) pitching in his Major League debut, and I was trying to figure out how to put the worst possible lineup on the field so the kid wouldn't get any run support. It just came to me. Dude."

Masterson, the candlestick maker, had a different experience. "Well, I've never really watched baseball, and I haven't really heard of most of these guys, so I put together a lineup based on whose names I liked best, in order from most to least. Neifi. That name is funny!"

The identical lineups were as follows:

SS N. Perez
3B E. Wilson
1B D. Lee
RF J. Burnitz
2B T. Walker
CF C. Patterson
LF T. Hollandsworth
C M. Barrett
P J. Koronka

Baker, the butcher, and the candlestick maker all had different excuses for the poorly-constructed, yet identical lineup. "I was just stinking drunk," Carpenter slurred. "I don't think it's totally worn off yet, actually." Masterson cited his total lack of baseball knowledge and love of good names for the terrible lineup. "Michael Barrett? That name is just boring. He goes toward the bottom. And Koronka? That sounds like some sort of pachyderm. I mean, puh-lease!"

Baker, on the other hand, made his usual excuses. "Dude, man, of course you gotta put Enrique-ey in the two-hole. Have you seen his numbers against Lowe, dude? Sure, twenty-nine other teams didn't think Enrique-ey was worth a roster spot, but he's gonna have a big night. Just you watch, man. And Holly? Holly, man, dude, he's Holly. Sometimes you just gotta go with Holly because Holly reminds me of Christmas, dude, and who doesn't like Christmas? You find me a dude that doesn't like Christmas, and I'll find you a guy who hates Jesus. And Jesus, man. Jesus is all about rising from the dead, dude. You find another guy who rose from the dead who wasn't Jesus, man, and I'll put him in the lineup. Lazarus? Lazarus doesn't count, dude, because Lazarus didn't do it himself. You know what I'm saying? It was all Jesus, man. Jesus raised Lazarus, himself, you, and me. You know? Don't talk to me about Lazarus, dude."

Alive or dead, there must be a better option in the two-hole than Enrique Wilson.