Bynum to Star in Platoon with Murton

CHICAGO--In a move sure to fix what is currently unbroken, Dusty Baker hinted today that he might use Freddie Bynum and Matt Murton in a Platoon in left field. Baker hinted that Freddie is "good" and plays good defense which, apparently, is needed in the jungles of Viet Nam.

Asked about the Platoon, Baker said, "Dude, you see Murton's hair? I send him out into the jungle against righties, and they're going to be aiming right for that red hair. That red hair is like a bullseye. When me and Hank Aaron used to play, we always used to point out how, if we saw a blonde guy, a brunette guy, and a redhead guy, we'd shoot the redhead guy first, because you know redheaded guys are dangerous. That's just the way it is, man. You know? I don't make the rules."


Cubs left fielder Matt Murton learns that he is now part of a Platoon with circus clown Freddie Bynum.

Cubs shortstop Ronny Cedeno heard about the Platoon from Baker hours before it was announced to the press. "I wasn't too suprised. During batting practice today, Dusty asked me to wear a metal jacket and go deer hunting with him. I think he's been watching the Military Channel and is confused," Cedeno said.

When asked about the Cubs' recent struggles, Baker did indeed seem confused. "Man, it's like the apocalypse now out there the way we're losing games. You know? I wasn't just born on the fourth of July. I can see that we need to get better out there on the killing fields. I don't want to just be some casualty of war. You know? In 2003, we were soldiers, and we almost made it all the way to the top of that golden hamburger hill, but we lost our way in the fog of war. We have to wait for guys like Lee, Prior, and Wood to get back, because that's like calling in the green berets, you know?" Baker stated as he sat on a bus stop bench, fascinated with a passing feather.

Time will tell whether the Platoon will revive the struggling Cubs, or if they will continue to hit like the walking dead.