EDITORIAL: Fourteen Days of Dusty-Free Living

I finally did it, folks. I finally gave up on the Cubs. Two Wednesdays ago, it was. I reached for the remote, I pointed it at the television to turn on the game, and something stopped me. One little word ran through my head. "Why?" I searched my brain for an answer to the question, and couldn't think of a single reason to watch the Cubs. Zambrano doesn't even do it for me anymore. The sight of that goddamn red "C" makes me sick to my stomach now. So, I put down the remote and picked up a book. A book!

This is what it's come to, folks. I read. I read some silly novel called Reversible Errors, just because it was written by a guy from my hometown. But that's not the point. The point is that two weeks ago, Dusty Baker drove me to reading. I got to thinking, "Is this a good thing? Will the time I don't waste on the Cubs make me a better person?" To find the answer, I decided to stop watching the Cubs completely for two weeks. Let's explore what I did in that time in an effort to finally answer the question, "Do the Cubs sucking at everything make me suck at life, too?"

Entertainment:

Since I had my Dustorcism, I have watched the following movies and television shows (sponsored, in part, by Netflix):

1. Life on Mars--If you're not watching this BBC show, start watching this show. It's about a cop in London who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. Is he dreaming the whole thing? Is he in a coma? Is he dead? Is he actually back in time? Anyhow, he's the guy in the white hat trying to change the Stone Age, crooked ways of the cops back in 1973. This is one of the best shows on television.
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--I'm pissed I was invited to this party late. It's on FX, and it's absolutely brilliant. The characters are loveably evil, and Charlie may be my favorite comedic character of all time. The 50's-TV-style opening is juxtaposed against the shocking and hilarious content. Why aren't you watching this show right now?
   
3. Peep Show, Series 1--An interesting British comedy that does a lot of shots from the perspective of the main characters (hence, "Peep Show"). Let's face it. It's not The Office, but it was enjoyable and had some very funny moments.
4. Three Days of the Condor--Robert Redford, government conspiracy, and the American Dream of returning to work to find everyone in your office shot to death. Great movie.
5. The Brady Bunch Movie--Okay, this was my wife's pick. I think if I was a bigger fan of the original show, I would have enjoyed it more. It was better than the Cubs, though, right?
6. Castaway--I saw this one when it first came out in the theater, and couldn't remember whether I enjoyed it or not. I liked it better this time, because I'm getting to the point in my life when getting stranded on a desert island doesn't seem that unappealing. I'm also having my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow, so the scene where he knocks out his tooth with a skate blade sent shivers down the spine.
7. The Descent--Saw this one in the theaters. Wow. I wasn't expecting the gore. There were some great jump moments, some truly disgusting scenes, and a lot of tension between the characters. It was interesting how the characters were fighting against both the cave and the creatures. For someone as claustrophobic as I am, it was tough to watch, but very good.
8. Lost, Season 1, Disc 1--Just got this one last night from Netflix. I missed out on the Lost fever when it first spread. I can understand this story's appeal, despite the completely absurd plot holes and the writers' inability to remember what their own characters have said from scene to scene. Bizarre.

I have had more time for the following games:

1. Dead Rising (Xbox 360)--It's like playing Dawn of the Dead, and it's oh-so-sweet.
2. NCAA Football (Xbox 360)--Notre Dame has already won one National Championship of many more to come.
3. NCAA MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I picked this up to get in my baseball fix, as I finally came to the realization that MLB 2K6 completely sucks. It's a great game, as a non-MLB sequel to...
4. MVP Baseball (Xbox)--I fired up a new season, and in keeping with the no-Cubs theme, I am using the Twins (my backup AL team). They are 5-2 so far, if you're wondering.

I have also read the aforementioned Reversible Errors. Yawn.

Health:
I have finally been able to run at a relatively consistent rate. I have dropped a couple of pounds, and last week I ran more (21 miles) than I had in the previous three weeks combined.

Social:
I have been able to pay more attention to my dog and wife, who both love me even more than they did before I gave up on the Cubs. My friends don't find me as bitter. My co-workers notice a little spring in my step. I've talked more to my family.

Religion:
I've been bad about going to Church, but have dragged myself out of bed the past two Sundays to practice my faith.

How does this all add up? To me, it looks like I'm a better person for having given up hope on the Cubs. I challenge anyone to give me a good reason not to give up on them before a pitch is thrown in 2007...

Hendry Ends Speculation About Future of Fire Dusty Baker!

CHICAGO--Cubs GM Jim Hendry, sick of all the speculation surrounding the security of popular Cubs website "Fire Dusty Baker!", decided to put the rumors to rest on Friday.

"I'm tired of all the questions directed at me and the staff of 'Fire Dusty Baker!', so I want to assure you that 'Fire Dusty Baker!' will be here through the end of this season. At the end of the season, I will take a look at everything and decide where to go from there," Hendry said between bites of a jelly doughnut.

Rumors had swirled around "Fire Dusty Baker!" that it would be removed due to its incompetent writing, factually inaccurate stories, wild speculations, not-so-subtle insults, and lack of timely updates. The rumors were based largely on Hendry's statement before the All-Star Break that he would evaluate the site. This led many in the media to believe that Hendry would make a move soon after the break.

Hendry remained silent about the site's future until Friday. "Fire Dusty Baker!" suspects that it was difficult for Hendry to read the many articles on the site, as he usually mouths the words
he is reading, making it impossible for him to read and eat simultaneously.

Whatever the reason for the delay, the staff at "Fire Dusty Baker!" is pleased to serve its three loyal readers at least until the end of the 2006 season.

EDITORIAL--My Lungs to Hendry: "Save Us!"

Well, it's finally happened. Jim Hendry's stupid confidence in Dusty Baker has caused me to do something drastic to end this nonsense. I'm going to start smoking in protest. That's right, Jim Hendry. From this day forth, each day that Dusty Baker is the manager of the Chicago Cubs, I am going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm not a smoker, Jim. I'm not going to enjoy it. My hair, clothes, and breath will stink, my teeth will stain, my food will taste bland, and my wife will probably hate me. But none of it can be as bad as watching your stinky, bland team on the field, and hating them.

An artist's rendition of the current condition of my lungs.

What Jim Hendry can prevent my lungs from becoming.

The Surgeon General has said smoking is bad for you, Jim. It may even kill me. But no more than your team is killing me right now.

So, Jim, do the right thing. If not for me, if not for the fans of the Cubs out there, for my pink and beautiful lungs. Save them, Jim, before they become black enough to play in a day game for your idiot manager.

Zambrano Defects to NL All-Star Team

PITTSBURGH--After spending almost four full seasons of his Major League baseball career in the Cubs' organization, Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano has had enough. On Monday, soon after arriving in Pittsburgh for the All-Star Game, the Venezuelan superstar defected to the National League All-Star team.

Zambrano's decision came mere hours after the Cubs defeated Milwaukee to win the series with the Brewers three games to one, and to send the Cubs to their longest winning streak of the season: three games. "Now that we've won three games in a row, I think that Jim Hendry might re-sign Dusty Baker, and my arm just can't handle that."

Zambrano's right arm begged to differ. "I can handle that," Zambrano's right arm said. "If I can handle all the instant messaging he does, I can certainly handle throwing upwards of 250 pitches per start." Zambrano's left arm did not return phone messages left for it by Fire Dusty Baker!

Zambrano thinks that playing exclusively for the National League All-Star team will prolong his career. "When I went to the All-Star Game [in 2004], they only made me pitch an inning. Only one inning! I think that if I only have to pitch one inning per year, I can pitch for the next 4000 years. If I pitch for Dusty, I think I might reach that by September."

Cubs pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were amazed by Zambrano's lofty goals. "He wants to throw an inning? In one year? Like, three outs? 'Big Z' is a total workhorse," Prior said. "He's not going to bat, too, is he?" Prior asked.

Fire Dusty Baker! caught up to Wood, who was similarly amazed, in a brief period of lucidity between surgery-induced anesthesia highs. "I'm sure going to miss Carlos," Wood said. "He took a lot of pressure of the other starters by eating a lot of innings. Who are our starters again these days?" When Wood was informed that Glendon Rusch had taken the hill for the Cubs on Sunday, he slipped into a deep coma.

Zambrano is expected to pitch the fourth inning of Tuesday's All-Star game. His next appearance will be in July of 2007, two months ahead of Prior and Wood's next starts.

Bynum to Star in Platoon with Murton

CHICAGO--In a move sure to fix what is currently unbroken, Dusty Baker hinted today that he might use Freddie Bynum and Matt Murton in a Platoon in left field. Baker hinted that Freddie is "good" and plays good defense which, apparently, is needed in the jungles of Viet Nam.

Asked about the Platoon, Baker said, "Dude, you see Murton's hair? I send him out into the jungle against righties, and they're going to be aiming right for that red hair. That red hair is like a bullseye. When me and Hank Aaron used to play, we always used to point out how, if we saw a blonde guy, a brunette guy, and a redhead guy, we'd shoot the redhead guy first, because you know redheaded guys are dangerous. That's just the way it is, man. You know? I don't make the rules."


Cubs left fielder Matt Murton learns that he is now part of a Platoon with circus clown Freddie Bynum.

Cubs shortstop Ronny Cedeno heard about the Platoon from Baker hours before it was announced to the press. "I wasn't too suprised. During batting practice today, Dusty asked me to wear a metal jacket and go deer hunting with him. I think he's been watching the Military Channel and is confused," Cedeno said.

When asked about the Cubs' recent struggles, Baker did indeed seem confused. "Man, it's like the apocalypse now out there the way we're losing games. You know? I wasn't just born on the fourth of July. I can see that we need to get better out there on the killing fields. I don't want to just be some casualty of war. You know? In 2003, we were soldiers, and we almost made it all the way to the top of that golden hamburger hill, but we lost our way in the fog of war. We have to wait for guys like Lee, Prior, and Wood to get back, because that's like calling in the green berets, you know?" Baker stated as he sat on a bus stop bench, fascinated with a passing feather.

Time will tell whether the Platoon will revive the struggling Cubs, or if they will continue to hit like the walking dead.

Cubs Eliminated from Playoff Contention

CHICAGO--Friday's 2006 home opener for the Chicago Cubs was soured by the news that the Cubs had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The news came after the entire 25-man rosters of the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers, and Houston Astros all survived the opening week of the season without dying.

"Well, it's disappointing," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "When you look over at the other dugout and you see 25 guys all sitting there in uniform, it breaks your heart a little bit, dude."

The 2006 season was marred in its earliest stages after consecutive seasons in which the Cubs failed to make the playoffs due to the continued existence of teams like the Cardinals, Astros, San Diego Padres, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, and Boston Red Sox.

"You have to figure if the top eight or ten teams in the league for the past few years were wiped off the planet by some sort of supervirus that only affects outstanding athletes, that we would have probably made the playoffs the last two years as well as this year," Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said. "But as far as I know, there is no such virus, nor have there been any natural disasters localized to those teams' clubhouses, so we were eliminated a little early this year."

Neifi Perez hoped for elimination of the top teams as well. "You have to realize that if the top eight teams just vanished into the Bermuda Triangle, or something, that would eliminate 200 more players who are all better than I am. Cha-ching!"

News of the elimination inspired pitching coach Larry Rothschild to begin a strenuous and highly-dangerous rehabilitation progam for pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. "As soon as I heard we had been eliminated, I decided to put as much stress as possible on those guys' arms, just so they're extra-special ready for the 2007 season."

Details about Rothschild's new, unorthodox program were vague, but rumors circulated that both pitchers will be keelhauled, quartered, and then forced to serve for six months' time on an Arctic fishing boat.

"I had to put them on the fishing boat, because I just missed the signups for the heavyweight all-right-handed arm wrestling tournament," Rothschild said.

Neither Wood nor Prior could be reached for comment, as they were both at base jumping class.

News of the Cubs elimination reached the Cardinals players, as the fact that no one had died was posted on the Wrigley scoreboard before the game. "I'm sure it's disappointing for them," Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols said as he reacted to external stimuli. "There's not much left for them to play for," Pujols added, metabolizing.

"They have 159 games left after today's game, which would normally leave them plenty of time to catch up," Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said as he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. "But when you have three whole teams in front of you who are all still alive, you're pretty much stuck just playing out the rest of the season."

Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal declared three Cardinal players dead before the first pitch of the opener, but his diagnosis was proven incorrect when those three players were seen playing pepper and dividing cells.

"Those guys just have to hang in there now that they're eliminated," said Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen, clearly having a soul. "Teams get eliminated early sometimes, but you have to stay positive," he said as he grew slightly and played with his biological offspring.

"There's always next year."

Prior Traded for Tejada

CHICAGO—A much-publicized trade rumor finally came to fruition Friday when ten-year-old Jason Billington of Evanston, Illinois traded his near-mint condition Topps 2002 Mark Prior rookie card to twelve-year-old Baltimore resident, Phillip Ramone. Billington received in exchange a faded and dog-eared Miguel Tejada 2005 Studio Portraits Donruss Zenith card. Rumors swirled that the card may have also had a coffee stain on the back of it.

Said Ramone of the trade, “Since I started my collection, I’ve been going down my list of cards saying, ‘Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him.’ Every time I get to Prior, though, I had to say, ‘Need him.’ It bugged me that he was a ‘need him.’”

Ramone plans to put the card in his display case next to his vibrating Leo Mazzone card. He says that he will leave five spaces open around it for Prior’s ‘Cy Young’ cards.”

When Ramone was asked if the Prior card was his favorite in his collection, he said, “It’s probably number two. You know that card where the guy has ‘@$#! FACE’ written on the bottom of his bat? It’s going to take one great card to beat that one.”

Billington was similarly happy with the acquisition. “Oh, yeah. I’m pumped about the trade,” Billington said. “At first, Phillip was asking for my Rich Hill rookie card, but I have that one in a hermeneutically-sealed safe in my attic. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to touch my Rich Hill, or Dicky Bump, as I like to call him.”

Fans of Billington’s collection were outraged at the trade. Billington’s father, Tom, when reached for comment, said, “That kid is retarded.”

Billington’s best friend, Mark Williams, was equally dismayed. “Man, I don’t know what that stupid [Billington] is thinking sometimes. Did you know he paid ten dollars for his fricking Glendon Rusch card? Ten dollars! He could have actually purchased the life of Neifi Perez for that!”

Billington has been known to be careless with his cards, as Williams explained, “Man, I found his Todd Walker mint condition rookie card sitting at the bottom of an old shoe box. Under some blankets. At the back of his closet. Which is at the bottom of the deepest, darkest part of Lake Michigan.”

Cubs manager Dusty Baker, having nothing better to do in the offseason than lament the release of Jose Macias and look forward to the inevitable resigning of a 42-year-old Jose Macias, commented on the trade. “Dude, man, I used to collect baseball cards. You know what I used to do? I used to cut out my face from pictures and paste it on Hank [Aaron]’s card. Man, you ever eat paste? Boy, I put on a lot of pounds from eating paste.”

Does Dusty still have his collection? “Well, man, I ruined most of my cards of black players. They got all faded from leaving them out in the sun for too long.”

Wood Throws 178 Pitches from Hospital Bed

EVANSTON--Fearing that he wasn't getting enough production from his right-handed fireballer, Dusty Baker decided on Wednesday to have Kerry Wood start on three days rest from his hospital bed in the recovery ward of Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Wood, having had arthroscopic surgery on his right shoulder the day before, was in uniform when "Fire Dusty Baker!" caught up to him. Catching up was not difficult, as Wood was under strict orders from his doctor to move as little as possible, or to at least ice his shoulder after his 178-pitch outing.

Wood said that the difficult part of the outing was not pitching from a slight incline, as has hospital bed was mechanically raised so that Wood could read the signs from catcher Michael Barrett. "That wasn't too bad," said Wood. "The really hard part was throwing strikes from Evanston to Wrigley."


Wood was in good spirits after his 12-0, complete game victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles Wednesday.

Wood gave up six hits, three walks, and no runs in his nine-inning outing. The Cubs scored twelve runs for Wood in the first inning, but Baker decided to stick with Wood for the entire outing. "Woody's been the guy for us, you know?" Baker inquired. "Dude, I'd take a half-healthy Woody on his back pitching from Evanston over a lot of guys in the league. You know?"

Baker did not make a single call to the bullpen during the 12-0 blowout. Baker did, however, make one mound visit during the eighth inning, via the CTA Purple Line. He also called for Wood to drag bunt during every single one of Wood's at-bats, which Wood was helicoptered in to take. Wood succesfully reached first twice on the bunts, at which time Baker had him steal second and third base. "I guess I was a little tired out there. And I was a little sick from the helicopter rides. That's a bumpy ride! But, Dusty's the manager, and you have to stand behind his decisions," Wood grimaced. Standing behind Baker's decisions might be a good idea for Wood, as standing in front of Baker's train wreck of decision-making is far more dangerous.

Hollandsworth Traded for White Flag, Towel to Throw

CHICAGO--During the Cubs' 9-6 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry traded Todd Hollandsworth to the Atlanta Braves for a white flag and a towel. Cubs manager Dusty Baker plans to start the white flag in left field rather than rookie Matt Murton.

The towel will be ceremonially tossed onto the field before each Cubs game for the rest of the year. The tosser of the towel will be selected from a group of people traditionally known, according to Vice President of Marketing, John McDonough, as "colossal losers." The first such towel-throwers will be the producers of the 2003 box office flop Gigli. Other notable throwers will be former Cubs Bill Buckner, Leon Durham, and Alex Gonzalez. Several phone calls made by the marketing department to Todd Hundley were not answered, although his voice mail indicated that he is in rehab.

The Stupidity Event Horizon

CHICAGO--Cubs fans in Chicago were amazed to discover Friday that Dusty Baker, manager of the Chicago Cubs, had finally reached the Stupidity Event Horizon, the point at which no rational thought can resist the draw of Baker's amazing stupidity.

The Stupidity Event Horizon occurred Friday afternoon. Baker, with regular third baseman Aramis Ramirez on the disabled list, started Nomar Garciaparra in Ramirez's place and used rookie Ronny Cedeno at shortstop. For those who are Ron Santo enough to keep score at home, the total number of shortstops on the field at that point was two. And then, the Stupidity Event Horizon occurred.

Baker managed, amazingly, to find a place for Neifi F. Perez in his lineup. With two regular shortstops on the field, Baker, not unlike life in Jurassic Park, found a way. At the exact point when Baker penciled Perez into the lineup, the Stupidity Event Horizon swallowed up any logical thought occurring within a ten-mile radius of Wrigley Field. Car accidents occurred, irrational business deals took place, and an unusual number of patrons attended the opening of The Cave.

"Fire Dusty Baker" will keep abreast of the development of this Stupidity Event Horizon, and will keep its readers informed as to what precautionary measures can be taken in case another such Stupidity Event Horizon occurs.

The Official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game!

CHICAGO--With the 2005 season all but officially over, and with Cubs fans around the world tearing out their hair and rending their garments, lamenting another wasted season, we here at "Fire Dusty Baker!" took a different approach. We now devote our time to playing the official Fire Dusty Baker Drinking Game! The rules are as follows:

1. Dusty puts in Hollandsworth as a late-inning defensive replacement--THREE DRINKS
2. Even with Nomar available, Dusty finds a way to get Neifi F. Perez into the game--FIVE DRINKS
3. Dusty says the word, "Dude"--ONE DRINK
4. Dusty uses Jose F. Macias as the first pinch-hitter in a game--FIVE DRINKS
5. Dusty forces a Cubs starter to throw more than 130 pitches in a meaningless game--FIVE DRINKS
6. Dusty "argues" a close call by staring at the umpire's crotch and shaking his head, then clapping his hands together and walking back to the dugout--FIVE DRINKS
7. Dusty actually starts one of the young players called up in September--TEN DRINKS
8. Dusty uses one of the following cliches: "Battle through it," "It's a long season," or "These guys are playing hard"--FIVE DRINKS
9. You are so drunk, you actually understand one of Dusty's interviews--THREE DRINKS
10. Dusty makes a blatantly racist comment, but masks it with his own stupidity--TEN DRINKS
11. Dusty puts in a righty reliever that can't get out righties, or a lefty reliever that can't get out lefties, or vice-versa--THREE DRINKS
12. Dusty fails to get the bullpen up in time to avoid a big inning--THREE DRINKS
13. Bob Brenly out-manages Dusty from the broadcast booth--FIVE DRINKS
14. You actually wish that Tony LaRussa was managing the Cubs instead of Dusty--TWO DRINKS
    
15. Ron Santo calls Dusty "The fine manager of the Chicago Cubs"--FIVE DRINKS
16. Darren sits on Dusty's lap during the post-game interview after a loss--THREE DRINKS
    

Enjoy!

Baker Gets Poster Deal

CHICAGO--Why was Dusty Baker smiling after the Cubs dropped their seventh straight game with a lackluster 8-3 loss to the Cincinatti Reds? "Fire Dusty Baker" initially suspected that the reason behind Baker's smiling visage was a fool's innocence. Upon asking sources close to Baker, though, "Fire Dusty Baker" learned that Baker recently signed a four-year motivational poster deal. Though the posters will not be released until 2006, "Fire Dusty Baker" got a sneak peek at the release-date posters. Enjoy.

Todd Hollandsworth: Defensive Replacement

CHICAGO--They say there are "unwritten rules" in baseball. Unless you're Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, or David Ortiz, you don't stand in the batter's box for 20 minutes after hitting a homerun. Unless you're Steve Kline, you don't throw at a guy's head. Unless you're Dusty Baker, you don't start Neifi Perez. But when did it become a rule that Todd Hollandsworth has to play at least two innings a game?

"Fire Dusty Baker!" went to the source, Dusty Baker, to discover the answer to this conundrum.

FDB: Dusty, I notice that, no matter who starts in left field, you find the inexplicable need to insert Todd Hollandsworth late in every game.
Dusty: Dude, I didn't put Holly into today's game, did I?
FDB: There was no game today, Dusty.
Dusty: Dude, that ain't my fault, man. You know, you jump on my back and try to blame me for not having games and for starting Holly and now for putting Holly in late in games. You gotta understand, man, that you gotta have your daily dose of Holly. What's that they say? A Holly a day keeps the doctor away. And a spoonful of Holly makes the medicine go down.
FDB: I'm not really sure what that means, and I don't think you are, either.
Dusty: That's your choice, man.
FDB: What?
Dusty: It's like this, see. Holly hits lefty. Therefore, he hits right-handed pitchers better than guys like Murton and Lawton and Hairston. So, you gotta use Holly late in the game and get his bat and his glove out there.
FDB: But he can't hit righties, and he's an absolute butcher in left field.
Dusty: Butcher? That reminds me, dude, I have to pick up some steaks for dinner tonight. Thanks for reminding me, man. I'll catch you later.
FDB: All right, then.

So, FDB failed in yet another interview with the enigmatic Dusty Baker. FDB apologizes once again to fans of both the Cubs and the English language.

Idiot Turns Lineup Card Over to Moron

MILWAUKEE--Earlier this week, Rhodes Scholar Corey Patterson made a bid to earn himself a second paycheck by constructing a lineup for the Cubs in Milwaukee. Corey, in a move lauded by baseball experts as "ridiculous" and "silly," declared himself ready for taking over the leadoff hitting duties for the Cubs.

Cubs "manager" Dusty Baker, confused by the declaration, checked his employment contract and said, "Dude, I didn't see anywhere in there where I had to write the lineup. Man, it didn't even say I had to have a lineup. Dude, building a lineup is a lot like building a house, man. Did you ever build a house? Dude, you have to start by mixing your mortar. So, you got guys like Corey and Neifi [Perez], dude, that you just throw them in a big bucket with some water, and you stir them all up, and there you have your foundation for your house. You know what I'm saying, dude?" Without waiting for an answer, Baker continued, "Man, is doesn't matter who makes the lineup, as long as during the day you only let the brothers make up the lineup. You know? If Michael Barrett came up to me during the day and said he wanted to lead off, of course I wouldn't let him, man. That's the way the game is played. You see what I'm saying?"

Although Patterson has been declared a "five-tool" player, sources close to the Cubs have called Patterson simply "a tool." Jim Hendry, reached for comment about the circus-like atmosphere pervading the Cubs' clubhouse, simply said, "Dusty is sort of like my kids. Sometimes, you can't just tell them not to play with knives, you have to hide all the sharp knives in locked drawers in the highest cabinets. Also, you have to change their diapers a lot." Speculators speculated that Hendry's comments meant that he would be forced to trade Patterson to keep him out of Dusty's reach. Either that, or lock Patterson in a drawer where Dusty cannot reach him.

Baker Constructs Identical Lineup to Butcher, Candlestick Maker

LOS ANGELES--Cubs manager Dusty Baker was suprised to discover that he constructed the exact same lineup as that constructed by local butcher, Mitch Carpenter. Baker was even more shocked to learn that the same lineup had been triplicated by Tom Masterson, a candlestick maker living in the Wrigleyville area. When Mitch Carpenter heard Baker's Wednesday night lineup announced, he immediately contacted "Fire Dusty Baker!" to announce his identical lineup.

"I stayed up pretty late and got pretty drunk last night, and I was just messing around with some lineups that would be really, really stupid. I figured Dusty had a young kid (Jon Koronka) pitching in his Major League debut, and I was trying to figure out how to put the worst possible lineup on the field so the kid wouldn't get any run support. It just came to me. Dude."

Masterson, the candlestick maker, had a different experience. "Well, I've never really watched baseball, and I haven't really heard of most of these guys, so I put together a lineup based on whose names I liked best, in order from most to least. Neifi. That name is funny!"

The identical lineups were as follows:

SS N. Perez
3B E. Wilson
1B D. Lee
RF J. Burnitz
2B T. Walker
CF C. Patterson
LF T. Hollandsworth
C M. Barrett
P J. Koronka

Baker, the butcher, and the candlestick maker all had different excuses for the poorly-constructed, yet identical lineup. "I was just stinking drunk," Carpenter slurred. "I don't think it's totally worn off yet, actually." Masterson cited his total lack of baseball knowledge and love of good names for the terrible lineup. "Michael Barrett? That name is just boring. He goes toward the bottom. And Koronka? That sounds like some sort of pachyderm. I mean, puh-lease!"

Baker, on the other hand, made his usual excuses. "Dude, man, of course you gotta put Enrique-ey in the two-hole. Have you seen his numbers against Lowe, dude? Sure, twenty-nine other teams didn't think Enrique-ey was worth a roster spot, but he's gonna have a big night. Just you watch, man. And Holly? Holly, man, dude, he's Holly. Sometimes you just gotta go with Holly because Holly reminds me of Christmas, dude, and who doesn't like Christmas? You find me a dude that doesn't like Christmas, and I'll find you a guy who hates Jesus. And Jesus, man. Jesus is all about rising from the dead, dude. You find another guy who rose from the dead who wasn't Jesus, man, and I'll put him in the lineup. Lazarus? Lazarus doesn't count, dude, because Lazarus didn't do it himself. You know what I'm saying? It was all Jesus, man. Jesus raised Lazarus, himself, you, and me. You know? Don't talk to me about Lazarus, dude."

Alive or dead, there must be a better option in the two-hole than Enrique Wilson.

APOLOGY ISSUED, DONATION MADE IN BAKER'S NAME

After reading through the comments following the last post, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong and that something needed to be done. In response to the situation, the following actions have been taken.

***Cancer has issued an official apology. It didn't know how much people really, truly wanted Dusty to die. While it remained strong in its stance on not taking the life of Dusty, it did express regret.

"I just wish I had known sooner. I could've offed him like THAT. Heck, I still could. The only problem is that, at this point, I've seen his work. The man is like a cancer himself. Me and my boy salmonella, our nickname for Dusty is "elbow cancer." The way he strikes seemingly healthy young men down in their primes reminds me of a young me."

***Cancer also made a donation to National Cancer Foundation or something like that (he wasn't really paying attention when he made out the check). However, being the fiendish non-entity that he is, Cancer did indeed have an ulterior motive. In making the donation in Dusty Baker's name, the intent was actually to create positive publicity for Baker, in the hopes of extending his career and allowing him to continue to take down promising young arms.

Prostate Cancer Apologizes to Cubs Fans

CHICAGO--In a rare physically visible appearance, Prostate Cancer apologized yesterday for claiming the lives of so many loving, caring, knowledgeable, and valuable human beings, while leaving Dusty Baker alive. Noted contributors to the human race claimed by Cancer are Don Ameche, Bill Bixby, Sir Alec Guiness, Johnny Ramone, Telly Savalas, and Frank Zappa. All of Cancer's famous victims had made the world a better place to live, which is exactly why Cancer did not claim Baker's life.

"You know, you knock off someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi, David Banner, or Kojak, and people stand up and take notice. You knock off Dusty Baker, and who gives a crap?" Cancer said. "I'm just not going to waste my time with that guy. Plus, his prostate was weird-looking." Cancer manifested itself in the lovable form of a Zodiac crab consisting entirely of undifferentiated cells, much to the delight of the children in the area.


Cancer makes a rare appearance.

While Cancer would not reveal plans for future victims, it did express its sorrow for claiming so many good people, while refusing to take Baker. "Why do bad things happen to good people, and not to total idiots? Don't ask me. I'm a genetic mutation, not a philosopher," Cancer said.

Dusty Replaces Dubois Late in Halo 2 Match, Loses

In a move that shocked the gaming world, but made Cubs fans roll their eyes, Dusty Baker replaced Jason Dubois with Todd Hollandsworth late in a Halo 2 team slayer match, ultimately causing Dusty's team to lose.

In a 3 vs. 3 team slayer match, Dusty's Cubs (Derrek Lee, Jason Dubois, and Dusty Baker) took on the Cardinals (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols) in an intense matchup. The Cubs jumped out to an early, comfortable lead, when Dusty paused the game. He then proceeded to kick Jason Dubois out of the game, and replaced him with defensive specialist Todd Hollandsworth. Derrek Lee explains what happened next.

"It was unbelievable. Dubois was leading us, and was providing the bulk of the offense. I think he had over 20 kills at that point, and was just warming up. Next thing you know, Dusty tells Dubois to take a hike, and Hollandsworth joins the game, and everything starts falling apart. Holla kept walking out into the open, getting sniped constantly. He'd get the rocket launcher, and proceed to shoot it directly at a wall in front of him, killing himself. And I think at least 10 times he simply jumped off a ledge and commited suicide. I had no idea what the hell he was trying to pull off! It was horrible, he single-handedly ruined the match!"

Due to Hollandsworth's incompetence, the Cubs early lead kept shrinking, and eventually it was lost, leading to the Cardinals squeaking out a late victory.


The final scoreboard from the match.

When Dusty was asked why he'd even bother to replace Hollandsworth with Dubois, he explained:

"Dude, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. First off, Todd Hollandsworth has had an XBox for 3 years now. He has the experience edge over Dubois by a long shot, who's only had his XBox for 8 months now. Secondly, dude, I remember this one match we had against the Pirates a couple weeks ago. We only needed 1 kill to win, and Dubois has the sword, which is like an instant kill. But as he's about to kill some guy with the sword, he ends up getting sniped by Oliver Perez. That's unacceptable, as Oliver has been uncharacteristically struggling this Halo 2 season. Of course, we still won the match later when Dubois killed Ollie with a shotgun, but that's entirely besides the point. When I saw that, I knew that Dubois simply didn't have the experience or mental makeup to get the kills when it counted most, and to avoid getting killed when it matters. Hollandsworth, on the other hand, specializes in not getting killed. I know his last 12 matches have shown that he's actually terrible and gets killed quite often, but I just chalk that up to an early season slump. He's a veteran with a lot of experience, and when Halo 2 first came out he was quite the exceptional player. Some would say that everyone else has caught up to him, but that's hogwash. He's a great player, he just needs some time to get out of his funk."

Dubois, in his limited playing time, has consistently lead his teammates to victory. Despite his amazing reaction time, quick reflexes, and impeccable sniping ability, he is expected to sit out Halo 2 games for the next week, since the loss against the Cardinals was blamed on Dubois' poor defense.

Dubois was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy driving in 2 runs and hitting a homerun during a rare on-field baseball appearance.

LaTroy Hawkins Fails to Close Refrigerator Door

Gary, Indiana-- In a stunning example of the baseball world meeting the real world, LaTroy Hawkins failed to close his refrigerator door after a midnight snack, causing the spoilage of an estimated $75 worth of food.


LaTroy's spoiled refrigerator, complete with flies and stink lines.

Hawkins has had a long past of failing to close, both ball games and doors. In 2001, LaTroy forgot to close his front door after retiring for the night, and a prowler let himself into the household, stealing thousands of dollars in valuables. In 2002, before going to sleep LaTroy not only forgot to check that his garage door was closed, but also forgot to close the door to his prized Mercedes Benz, which was promptly stolen. In 2004, LaTroy forgot to make sure his backdoor was closed before going to sleep, and his prized shih-tzu 'Alfonseca' exited through the door, and is still missing to this day.

"I just don't get it, man", said a depressed LaTroy. "It's the damndest thing. Whenever it's during the day, I never forget to close the door. In fact, I've developed quite the knack for it, and I should say I'm among the best in the world at doing it. But for whatever reason, when it's late at night, the pressure is on to make sure I close those doors before I go to bed. I simply can't get the job done. I don't know, man. I'm really good at doing it any other time, but when it's important, and my family needs me the most, I just go blank."


LaTroy angrily reacts when he realizes he left the door open all night.

Coincidentally (or not), LaTroy led the National League in blown saves in 2004, and in 2001 he lead the entire MLB.

LaTroy Hawkins's manager and landlord, Dusty Baker, was asked why he continually trusts Hawkins to close baseball games and to make sure all the doors in LaTroy's house are shut when he goes to bed.

"Dude, it's an odd situation. It's like when you're throwing a big barbecue where everyone's invited, man. You've got your steaks, your burgers, your hot dogs, your chicken, everything's delicious man, everyone loves the food and everything's going great. Next thing you know, the big boss shows up to the party, and he wants a steak cooked medium rare and a hot dog. Now, dude, this is your boss, so of course you're gonna try really hard to get the steak just perfect, and the dog extra plumpy and scrumptious. But next thing you know, the steak is too well done for his liking, the hot dog falls on the floor, your boss gets mad cow disease, and in a fit of rage from the mad cow disease he fires you and everyone you've ever loved. You know what I'm saying, dude?"

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary that LaTroy cannot close doors and ball games in important situations, Dusty remains steadfast in trusting LaTroy to close. The simple reason, of course, is that Dusty is very stupid, and needs to be fired immediately.

Cubs reliever Michael Wuertz has volunteered to close the doors for the Hawkins household, but Dusty nixed the idea, citing that Wuertz lacks the mental makeup to make sure all doors are shut. Wuertz was unavailable for comment, but he did release an official statement through his spokesman. I miss Iowa :-( was all it said.

Cubs, Baker Spiral Into Oblivion

MILWAUKEE--The Cubs spiraled farther down the ladder of contenders in the NL Central as they had their first five-game losing streak of the season, dropping the last two to the Houston Astros and getting swept by the powerhouse Milwaukee Brewers. At the exact same time, Dusty Baker spiraled into a vortex that opened in the Cubs visiting dugout during the series in Milwaukee.


Wormholes exist? Who knew!

Both the five-game losing streak and the rip in the space-time continuum were surprising to the team. "This team just has too much talent to endure too many five-game losing streaks," Cubs pitcher Mark Prior said. "Also, I didn't know that wormholes actually existed."

Neifi Perez, looking suspicious after the vortex opened, swallowing Dusty Baker and an entire box of toothpicks, had this to say. "Why are you looking at me? Is it because you assume that I've figured out some way to travel through time and to see the pitches that are going to be thrown to me, and that explains the way I've been hitting lately? Because that's just absurd! There's no way that . . . Oh my God. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!"

Jim Hendry took the opportunity to sign the vortex as the new Cubs closer. "Well, we've seen so many leads disappear with Latroy [Hawkins] out there, I figure throwing out a vortex in the ninth inning couldn't be too much worse. I'm working on signing the vortex to an extension, and I'm also looking for a black hole that Dusty can play over Dubois when it's hot out."